12/31/09

seventeen

there are a few things in life that i really love
that, no matter what, i'll never not enjoy
one of them is food
truthfully, i think first among them is food
few things on this planet are as gratifying as food
it's provides multiple purposes, it's a staple of culture
it can help bring people together,
but, most importantly, it's fucking delicious

food is part of the reason i look forward to coming home during school
i know plenty of people who don't, for a variety of reasons
but i do, and no small part of that is my parents' cooking
they really make an effort to make good food, and always have
even when we were completely broke,
and living paycheck to paycheck to send me to school
my parents would always make something good to eat

the reason i'm bringing this up, surprise surprise,
is to complain about mt morris/genesee county/michigan [so novel, yeah?]
one of the great things about new london was the variety of restaurants
virtually every ethnicity of food could be found somewhere
and grocery stores would actually carry quality ingredients
even if you were looking for some plain, normal 'american' food
there were handfuls of restaurants that always had great selections
you can't find that here at all
there's almost no variety in any places to eat around here
most of them fall into crappy-quality 'family-owned' restaurants
[billy's, baldwin's, gillie's, la villa's, places like that]
most of them actually make me prefer fast food
which is just sad on so many levels

one of the nice things about e/l is the variety of food
thanks to the diverse group of people in and around lansing,
there's a wider variety of places to eat, from mexican to sushi
most of these places offer good quality, [relatively] inexpensive meals
i think the types of food available really reflects on the community
places like here, there's really nothing good;
it's all the same, and it's almost always shitty
certainly sounds a lot like flint, huh?
there is one restaurant in this area i do like,
and it just opened up this past summer
[for those of you who care, it's called 'el adobe',
and it's where the old dips 'n dogs used to be]

i'm not sure i'd be able to live in a place like michigan again
if for no other reason than the food thing
it gets too frustrating that i can't really go anywhere good
this is the only place i've ever lived where i can say this:
the fast food and chain restaurants are the better option
how fucking pathetic is that?
come on michigan, get it together
quit it with the fucking coney–dogs, olive sauce, and blueberries
bring me something new, i'm begging you
i don't wanna live off ramen and subway forever


as an aside to this,
i tend to judge people by what they eat when i'm around
it's part of the reason i like grabbing food with people
what [and how] people eat says a lot about them
which is why i try to get food with people i know
let's me know how well we'll get along

12/27/09

nikkō-shirane

so here's a question:
what kind of weird fuckin luck do i have?
i actually got a good grade in my history class
a 4.0, which is all kinds of stunning
maybe they both decided they like me after all
god knows my paper couldn't have possibly done it alone
that thing was horrible

also, i've broken a four-year long streak in terms of grades
every year my fall grades have been worse than my spring ones
in high school the semester differences weren't too bad
but at msu they've been pretty substantial
[the widest gap was a full point]
this fall, though, my gpa was almost the same as it was in spring
so i finally kicked the habit of really slacking in the fall
[i really didn't, but i'm gonna tell myself i did]
now let's see what next semester's gonna bring me

when the semester finally ended,
i gave myself a list of things to try to get done over break
i've currently accomplished: none of them
i take it back, i've accomplished one thing
though it's less of an accomplishment,
and more an 'hey, i finally took care of this'
but, i'm still 0 for 4 on substantial accomplishments
so i gotta get cracking on that

i bitch a lot about coming back to the mount
not about coming to the family, just about the town
but i have to say, it does have its redeeming qualities
it proved itself to be pretty photogenic
and it's perfect for walking around late at night
granted there aren't a lot of places to go,
but it's quiet, deserted, and not very well lit
which is a welcome change from e/l
it's also nice not to see someone i know every time i go somewhere
every time i'm out in e/l, i run into somebody i know
it's not a bad thing, sometimes it's a welcome coincidence
but still, every time?
it even happens on my five minute runs to 7/11 at 4 in the morning
i enjoy the anonymity here
granted, most people in the mount are stupid and crazy
but still

also?
george carlin's sortabiography is incredible
i got it on thursday, and i read it straight through
the man's an amazing storyteller,
it's a shame he didn't get to do his broadway showcase

12/25/09

χριστούγεννα

i heard there is no christmas in the silly middle east
no trees, no snow, no santa claus, they have different religious beliefs
they believe in muhammad and not in our holiday
and so everry december i go to the middle east and say...

hey there mr muslim merry fucking christmas
put down that book, the koran, and hear some holiday wishes
in case you haven't noticed, it's jesus's birthday
so get off your heathen muslim ass and fucking celebrate

there is no holiday season in india, i've heard
they don't hang up their stocking, and that is just absurd
they've never read a christmas story, they don't know what rudolph is about
and that's why in december i'll go to india and shout...

hey there mr hinduist, merry fucking christmas
drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the missus
in case you haven't noticed it's jesus's birthday
so get off your heathen hindu ass and fucking celebrate

now i heard that in japan everyone just lives in sin
they pray to several gods and put needles in their skin
on december twenty fifth all they do is eat a cake
and that is why i'll go to japan and walk around and say...

hey there mr shintoist, merry fucking christmas
god is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum
in case you haven't noticed it's jesus's birthday
so lets all rejoice for jesus, and merry fucking christmas to you

on christmas day i travel round the world and say
taoists, krishnas, buddhists, and all you atheists too
merry fucking christmas to you

——————

well i'll tell you what,
maybe we should have ourselves a little christmas, right here
c'mon everybody, gather round!

string up the lights and light up the tree, we're gonna make some revelry
spirits are high, so i can tell, it's christmas time in hell!
demons are nicer as you pass them by, there's lots of demon toys to buy
the snow is falling, and all is well, it's christmas time in hell!

there goes jeffrey dahmer with a festive christmas ham
after he has sex with it he'll eat up all he can
and there goes john f kennedy caroling with his son
reunited for the holidays, god bless us, everyone!
everybody has a happy glow, let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow!
even mao tse tung is under the spell, it's christmas time in hell!

[satan] adolf, here's a present for you!
[hitler] oh? ein tannenbaum?!
[satan] yes, ein tannenbaum!

god cast me down from heaven's door to rule in hell forevermore
but now i'm kinda glad that i fell cuz it's christmas time in hell!
here's a rack to have the stockings on, we still have to shop for genghis khan
michael landon's hair looks swell, it's christmas time in hell!

there's princess diana holding burning mistletoe
over poor gene siskel's head, just watch his weenie grow!
for one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick
all the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for old saint nick!

so string up the lights and light up the trees, we're damned for all eternity
but for just one day, all is well, it's christmas time in hell!
get a toast together and make it quick, we gotta make room for andy dick
wake his mother and ring the bell
it's christmas time...
christmas time...
it's christmas time in hell!

12/24/09

розово дърво

look down, lord, look down
this time i'm comin' home
it's late no, sweet jesus, take me now
this time i'm comin' home

look down, lord, look down
been hard times and i can't wait
oh look down, sweet jesus, hold me now
this time i'm comin' home

there's so much sorrow round this time
look down, please, look down
oh i been wand'rin' far and trav'lin' long
i'm weary now, please, look down

free me lord, take me
i need to come and walk with thee
sweet jesus, lord, won't you hold me now?
this time i'm comin' home

12/21/09

lehmusten

alo? salut! sunt eu, un haiduc
și te rog iubirea mea primește, fericirea
alo? alo! sunt eu, picasso
ți-am dat beep și sunt voinic
dar să știi nu-ți cer nimic

te sun sa-ți spun ce simt acum
alo, iubirea mea, sunt eu fericirea
alo? alo! sunt iarași eu, picasso
ți-am dat beep și sunt voinic
dar să știi nu-ți cer nimic

vrei să pleci dar nu mă nu mă iei
nu mă nu mă iei, nu mă nu mă nu mă iei
chipul tău și dragostea din tei
mi-amintesc de ochii tăi

12/17/09

dünya

you only hold me up like this
cuz you don't know who i really i am
sometimes i just wanna know what it's like to be you
we're making out inside crashed cars
we're sleeping through all our memories
i used to waste my time dreaming of being alive
now i only waste it dreaming of you

you only hold me up like this
cuz you don't know who i really i am
i used to waste my time on, waste my time on
waste my time dreaming of being alive
now i only waste it dreaming of you

i've got headaches and bad luck
but they couldn't touch you, no oh
i'm not trying, you only hold me up like this

turn off the lights and turn off the shyness
cuz all of our moves make up for the silence
and oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase
like i'll never be the same

12/13/09

с ума сошёл

fucking draft is finally taken care of
all it needs now is some editing and some citations thrown in
[it needs to be good too, but no amount of editing's gonna help that]

so, in honor of this heinous crackwhore of a paper being done
i share with you people my outline,
which has seen many long, long nights of reading
this is what happens when i get bored,
and have norway and denmark on the brain































for those of you who can't see decipher what it says
here's a complimentary transcription:

Military
Planning Weserübung  >>> [the fuck is an übung?]
       –Why Norway?
              •UK [AltMark, BoB]
              •USSR [Finalnd] + who cares?
              •Economics [ore n fish n shit]
       –Denmark too!
              •Resources [that's it]

The Day Arrives
       –Landings up the coast
              •Beating back the Brits
       –Sea powers ––––– Sea powers clash [clash powers clash]
       –Air power vs the navy [battle of the bitches]
       –Three Dimensions of Victory
                ^
                |    /
                |  /
                .______>   [0,0,0]

Occupying the Völkergemeinschaft [ha, German]
       –SS Standarte Nordland
       –Nothin gets to the Russkies
       –Protecting the Economy  ---------------> damn
              •Supply/Demand? suck it
       –Norway – No Way
              •ha your stupid, Germans dont care bout chu


Politics/Econ
Völker, not Volks
       –Denmark autonomous?
              •Full control of day-to-day
              •Kept King + parliament
              •'43 martial [really wasn't]
       –Norway – Terboven and beyond
              •Reichskommisar's in town
              •Holy crap it's Quisling
                  ~Governing w/ Samling
                  ~NO ONE LIKED HIM

Supplying the Machine
       –Goods from Denmark
              •Nothing happened, 'cept for no imports [coal, gas]
       –Norway has stuff
damn-->•Eye-ron Ore
              •Fishes [not gay fishes Kanye]
              •Norsk Hydroelectric
                [Heavy water is delicious]


Christ on a Crutch end goes here I'm done

12/7/09

в движении

for a long time i felt without style or grace
wearing shoes with no socks in cold weather
i knew my heart was in the right place
i knew i'd be able to do these things

and as i watch him digging his own grave
it's important to know that was where he's at
he can't afford to stop... that is what he believes
he'll keep on digging for a thousand years

i'm walking a line – i'm thinking about empty motion
you notice there's nothing around you, 'round you

never get to say much, never get to talk
tell us a little bit, but not too much
right about then is where she gave up
she has closed her eyes, she has given up hope

i'm walking a line – i hate to be dreaming in motion
i keep my fingers behind me, 'hind me

i turn myself around, i'm moving backwards and forwards
i'm moving twice as much as i was before
i'll keep on digging to the center of the earth
i'll be down in there moving in the room

i'm walking a line – visiting houses in motion
i'm walking a line – just barely enough to be living
get outta the way – no time to begin
this isn't the time – so nothing was done
not talking about – not many at all
i'm turning around – no trouble at all
two different houses surround you, 'round you
i'm walking a line – divide and dissolve

wolff's law

with this semester coming to a close,
i can finally say that i can empathize with people who hate history
i've had the two types of profs that most stereotype our discipline:
the boring, rambling, all-over-the-place, grades-hard-as-balls prof [last fall]
and the condescending, meddling, i'm-better-than-you'll-ever-be prof [this fall]
i swear to god, they've both made me crazy as shit
they even make me wonder whether i even want to go into history
cuz god knows i'll never get away from people like them
i won't be able to get away from the one i have this fall even if i try
he's fucking married to my advisor, and they both know my majors
which means they're probly gonna try to stick me with him next year
and i'll be damned if i'm gonna write a 50-75 page paper for this man
20 pages is giving me enough trouble

it's also never been clearer to me that i don't want to go into russian history
i'm perfectly content just being fluent in another language
russia doesn't need to have a stranglehold on my entire academic life
i don't wanna be another siegelbaum

this semester's contained a first for me
i honestly don't give a shit how well i do in my history class
my motivation for that class just evaporated,
and i couldn't say when or why
normally something happens that makes me not care anymore
like, 'hey, this prof obviously doesn't care how good this work is,
he's gonna be a dick when he grades regardless'
or, 'this class has absolutely no effect on my major at all
it's boring and i just don't give a damn anymore'
but not this time
if i can just throw together a paper and hand it in i'll be perfectly content
and i know fucking up in this class is gonna screw me over later on
but i'll cross that bridge when i get to it

if i can survive another week, i'll be home free
very literally, too
i get to leave on monday of finals week cuz i don't have any finals
thank god for projects, even though they're kicking my ass
especially that poli/sci honors project i forgot about till last thursday
that's due this coming thursday
thank god i already have all the info for that
my photojournalism project, thankfully, came together perfectly
that one was a bitch to pull together, but that'll be done by tomorrow
i'm gonna survive this with my sanity intact, goddamn it

as a complete side-note
i have to make a website over break
anybody want to help/give me pointers/do it for me?

12/1/09

áth cliath

lookin' down through a tide of no return
is a field where the crops no longer grow
parched is the land, strangled an' be damned
there for the grace o' god go i

down beside where the riverbed sleeps
is a man not knowin' what he should feel
mocked by the wave that beats the water's edge
there for the grace o' god go i

if i ever hurt another like thee again
i would drown myself beneath your name
lost was the child we all once did hide
there for the grace o' god go i

10/19/09

jacobs cavern

maybe someday i'll update this thing regularly again
but, i highly doubt it'll be anytime soon
my ability to remember to update this has gotten horrible
it's like ronald reagan trying to beat alzheimer's:
i'd love to, but i just can't... wait, what?




[i have no idea where to start with this
so i'm going to fill until i think of something...]




classes are starting to pick up, i suppose that's something
november's gonna be my month for cranking out papers
and photo projects, and apparently interviews
at least it won't be mostly reading
that'll be a nice change [for once]

i passed the 10,000 song mark on my computer
i suppose that's something too
i'm not sure what to think about how much music i now have
on one hand, that's a shit-ton of music to have
it's starting to border on unnecessarily large
on the other, i'm glad i have such varied tastes
and i keep on downloading music
so it's only gonna get bigger

i also haven't been going to sleep before 5 am
that's definitely something
s'been going on about a week and a half or so
i should probly try to not let that happen
since all it does is fuck me up [worse than normal]
and since i'm rarely productive when i do stay up

i've decided i'm not going to any parties for a while
[the only exception being halloween]
even though i saw a lot of people this weekend,
including some i haven't seen in about a month or so
all the places i went had franzia, shitty beer, and people i don't know
first off:
i hate franzia, it's disgusting
if you drink booze from a box, you have a problem. period.
second:
shitty beer is shitty for a reason, and that's because it's cheap
so i don't care how much money you're trying to save
pitch in some cash so i can drink something that doesn't taste like piss
and third:
people i know are fine, people i don't know are fine
people i don't know aren't fine when they make up a majority
it makes me feel out of place, and all i do is drink and look awkward/creepy
i go to parties to enjoy myself, not talk to friends of friends of friends
oh, and a fourth:
cheap booze FUCKING SUCKS

i changed my voicemail a few weeks back
just to get this out in the open, so there's no ambiguity:
i am perfectly aware of what my old voicemail said
i know it said i was still in russia until the end of june
it also said that i'd be back after that, and that i'd return calls
apparently EVERYONE who called me felt the need to point that out
i'm aware of where i am people, trust me
so please, if you wanna try to be clever or cute on my voicemail
don't

politics is the same [irritating]
news is the same [unbelievable]
classes are the same [hard/easy/painful/awesome]
jobs are the same [nonexistant]
weather is the same [cold, how i like it]
the only thing that seems to be different is sports
and oh boy, is it exciting
i have to say, i'm grateful msu decided to start winning again
it's a step in the right direction, i gotta say
same thing goes for the steelers
nice choice, guys, helps to keep the rep going strong

also, what the fuck happened to the titans?
a 59–0 shutout? by the patriots, of all teams?
they've allowed 198 points in just six games
even the LIONS haven't allowed that many
to commemorate this ridiculous feat,
i'll end with the sentiments of a pissed–off anonymous:


addendum:
due to popular demand [by that, i mean the one person who asked],
and due to the fact that i haven't done it in almost two years,
i'm bringing back the potatoes
and since i already posted about their stunning fall,
i'm making the titans the potatoe of this post
because it takes incredible skill to go from 13–3 to 0–6

10/5/09

бесконечность

i suppose i owe an explanation about what's been going on

about two weeks ago,
i found out i'm going to another funeral [my eighth]
my grandfather's
he'd been in the hospital since around the beginning of august
and his recovery was... inconsistent, i guess
he just couldn't fight it off anymore
so now he's gone

it should have been relatively easy to handle
he was old, sick for a long time, and that's how it goes
but it's been killing me since i found out
not grief, but guilt; the hardcore kind
the same kind i felt for about two months after anderson died
[which is a whole other story that some of you may know]
it's pretty much been controlling me since i found out
it wasn't any one specific thing,
just a lot of things compounded that made me feel like shit
that and i felt horrible for not being able to go home when it happened
so i was basically checked out from everything i was doing
i tried doing things to get my mind off it,
but it didn't work [it never does, really]

i did get to spend some time with my family this weekend
and it helped; it alleviated the guilt some, at least
i'm not the only one who hasn't handled this well
but it helped to put it in perspective
i sometimes just forget that life goes on, i guess
so here's hoping i get back to mine sometime soon

9/19/09

and this makes number eight
damn it
what a fucking way to start the day


спасение соделал еси посреде земли, боже. аллилуия.

9/16/09

harkness

i would like to point out:
all but one of my profs is on facebook [the exception is merrill, sadly
you better believe i'd friend merrill in half a second if i could]
even my old history profs are kickin' it on the old fezbuk
there is no need for that

someday, god willing, i will be decent at graphic design
it doesn't help that i have no experience at it
and that i'm basically teaching myself
but goddamn it, one day i will be decent enough to market it
i'll add it on my resume as a skill,
and it still won't get me hired

i wonder if i'll actually get that job i 'interviewed' for with h/c
i'm giving it until tomorrow before i call it
i hope i do, since it at least sounded cool
but the inevitable, inherited tagg luck will rear its ugly head
and so i shall have to begin my search again
goddamn it

for photojournalism, i actually need to have an artist's eye
that's a problem, mostly because i don't have one
hopefully i can learn to compose a photo halfway decently
i may or may not be taking headshots for my theater class
so some ability to work the camera'd be beneficial
or maybe i'll just wing it
can't turn out too bad, yeah?

i cannot in words describe how much i love the wil wheaton song
i'm not really a fan of jonathan coulton, though,
anyone who loves wil wheaton enough to sing to him is cool to me
i love his reactions to the song as it goes on, they're great
for anyone who hasn't seen it, here it be

since i'm too lazy/cheap to get it cut,
my hair's continued to grow
i'd forgotten the polarizing effect long hair has on me
generally people either think it's awesome or really bad
[usually the latter, but i could give a rat's ass about my hair]
i'm slowly becoming accustomed to the comments about it again
they aren't nearly as bad as they were in seventh grade,
but that was a whole different beast
not to mention that this time around i have a bitchin' beard
so not only do i look weird, i look like a weird lumberjack

i'm indeterminate if i'm going to try out for any shows this year
i want to, but it depends on what show it is,
definitely who's putting it on,
and how much time it'll rob from me
people of the interwubs, what do you think?

9/13/09

aşteaptă

feeling sorrow
for all the things you had to steal and borrow
bring back the days we had before tomorrow
relapse and then collapse into yourself once more

void i can't fill
the doctor tells me to relax and stand still
prescribes me me a new pill to quell my anger
wish i could make her pull herself up off the floor

waiting for this life to change, seems like it's taking me forever
and i can't hold on, this light is breaking into the day
this life is going to change, feels like it's taking me forever
and i can't hold on, this light is breaking into the day
into the day, again

take time to contemplate who you are and where you want to go

9/8/09

krzhizhanovsky

i need a job
for lots of reasons, most of them being the fact that i'm poor
but i really need an outlet, too
hopefully i can get something halfway decent
otherwise, i'll start whoring myself out
which is a bad idea,
because i wouldn't make money doing that, either

i'm liking the fact that i won't have much free time again
but this busy isn't like last semester's busy
last semester was frantic, edging towards psychotic
this semester is looking to be productive,
or at the very least, time-consuming
i'm ok with that, i need to spend time away from phillips
i spent most of my waking hours in sny/phi last year
between the plays, the caf, all the reading, homework, and studying
i probly spent about 80% of my time just on the second floor
i don't want to live there, i just want to exist there
i don't really see a room as a place to be all the time
especially if you have a single
i really don't want to do much more than sleep there
study and read, maybe, but that's about it
it really doesn't need any more purpose than that

i'm ready for football season to really get going
none of this throwaway, easy-win opening week bullshit
i want to see some gritty, hard-fought, heart-breaking games
i want to see some goddamn injuries,
i want to hear screams at the officials
i want to see people screaming at the top of their lungs
i want to hate the other team, and occasionally my own
i want to love my steelers and spartans
i want to tell john madden to shut up
i want to feel the elation when we win at the last second
i want to feel the anguish when we lose by one point
i want to trash talk on my shitty little white board
and i want some yelling matches with opposing fans
I WANT SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL

as an aside,
i wonder a lot about the people who overhear me,
the people in grocery stores or fast food places
who have to listen to me when i'm in public,
i always wonder what they think about what i'm saying
cuz i know some ridiculous shit comes out of my mouth
i mean, i swear a lot
and the curses i string together are... well, unique
plus, i talk about pretty random stuff most of the time
i like to think it throws a wrench in the cog of normal days
i just wonder if other people appreciate it like i do
i'm sure they don't, but that's how it goes

9/4/09

baldwin

i can't explain a thing
i want everything to change and stay the same on top
doesn't care about anyone or anything
now come together, come apart
only get lonely when you read the charts
oh baby, when they made me they broke the mold
girls used to follow me around when i got cold

i'm a mascot for what you've become
and i love the mayhem more than the love
and oh, baby, one day maybe we broke the mold
girls used to follow me around when i got cold

fly your cameras in the air
and wave 'em like you just don't care

i will never believe in anything again
change will come, oh change will come
i will never believe in anything again

we will never believe again
kickdrum beating in my chest again
oh we will never believe again
preach electric to a microphone stand

9/2/09

linn valley

it's that time of the year again
classes start, and what a treat it will be

the thing that kills me,
of all the shit that professors do [un]intentionally,
is when they over–format the syllabus.
it's a goddamn course outline
it doesn't need to be pretty, it doesn't need photos
it doesn't need to be 10 goddamn pages long
i don't need clipart and cutesy sayings to help me understand class
every semester i go through this shit
i download all my syllabi and i reformat them
i can usually cut them down about 25% just getting rid of graphics
if this really was a 'green university'
they'd forbid any syllabus longer than three pages, double sided
that's how you save paper

i will say, i'm pleased with my start times this semester
only one class starts before noon
shit ton better than another 8`30
i' never want to go through that again

also, a big fuck you goes out to kim wilcox, our provost
our welcome 'days' fucking sucked
this year's freshmen got screwed, royally
also, what the fuck was up with those fireworks?
is that really what they're using our tuition money for?
because i can think of better ways to spend $18k

christ
is it december yet?

8/25/09

parson's

where do we go from here,
now that all other children are growing up?
and how do we spend our lives,
if there's no one to lend us a hand?

where do we go from here,
now that all other children have grown up?
and how do we spend our time,
knowing nobody gives us a damn?

i don't wanna live here no more,
i don't wanna stay;
ain't gonna spend the rest of my life,
quietly fading away.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,
things that they say, honor bright;
if i promise you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
games people play in the middle of the night.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,
things that they say, just don't make it right;
if i'm telling you the truth right now, do you believe it?
games people play in the middle of the night.

8/18/09

pavlove

i am sore as shit today
apparently, stabbing the fuck out of someone really tenses the muscles
i'll have to remember to stretch first next time
but in that regard, the movie's finished [at least my part]
so we'll see how it turns out
also, it was cool to hang out with mr mike again
i hadn't seen him since before he left for his internship
i think he's the only '04 senior i still talk to
that's ridiculous, i can't believe i've known him for six years

on that vein, i can't believe i've lived in michigan for six years
it hasn't seemed like i've spent a third of my life here
and yet, i have
we completed the move to mt morris six years ago this week
i spent pretty much until 2005 pining for 'back home'
and since then, i've tried to take what good i can from here
which, around flint, is barely anything,
though there have been a few scant things i'll take with me
but when i do finally leave here, i won't feel the same about it
i won't miss it nearly as much as missed my home town
i suppose i can be thankful for the that fact,
that moving that far won't bother me as much as that first time
i don't think i'll ever ingrain myself that much in one place again
most of me really wants the ability to leave a place quickly
no real ties to cut, no drawn out departures
i don't usually settle down in one place for long, anyway
so we'll see what that brings me
or rather, i will

speaking of six year old things,
my trusty [and incredibly battered] laptop is up for replacement
it's served me well, much better than i ever would've expected
through the many scrapes, slaps, falls, knocks, bangs,
the swearing, the beatings, incessant tapings,
the binder clips on the monitor,
the broken cd–drive housing,
the forever–loose bottom metal covering
and that FUCKING HEADPHONE JACK stuck in my audio jack,
it's stood strong and resilient, ever dependable
and soon, i'll bid it a fond, though not untimely farewell
so long, little buddy,
my first mac and my first laptop
i'll miss you, and hope you enjoy retirement

school is nigh,
and though i'm looking forward to living on my own,
i'm not looking forward to a lack of a/c
also not looking forward to commitments i've made,
but there's really nothing i can do about those
beyond ignoring them, which is tempting
also not looking forward to my school sleep schedule
it's never easy to get back into it after summer
[the ONLY reliably good thing about summer,
besides a ridiculous amount of slurpees,
is my ability to sleep in every day]
but every year it gets harder and harder to revert back
sleep is my version of a long distance relationship:
i only get it when i go back home,
and i'm gone so long i forget what it's like to get it on a regular basis

i can't wait until i turn 21
then, instead of writing things like this,
i can just drink 'till i pass out
who says unhealthy behavior isn't preferable?
i'll take an alcoholic stupor to dealing with my thoughts any day

8/10/09

navras

the movie project seems to progressing along steadily
we'll wrap up on saturday [hopefully]
then i can return to my last two weeks of nothing
which i will savor by doing... nothing

despite how much i like east lansing,
i don't like being here in the summer
something about it doesn't seem right to me
i just feel like i need to be somewhere else,
doing something completely removed from school
plus, i feel being here all year around erodes the novelty;
i've always felt that e/l is a novel place, for me at least
and that novelty is just being here for eight months a year
or, maybe i'm just being stupid
whichever

i'm looking forward to finally putting windows on my computer
all my games from 5–10 years ago are again within my reach
and i'm gonna play the shit out of them all over again, goddamn it
because those were the good ol' days of gaming
and i miss them

8/2/09

synapheia

considering my unending need for money
and the fact that i don't have a job [still]
i've decided to take a different approach
i'm going to follow in the footsteps of the us government
[that fine and exemplary institution]
my plan is as follows:


–i'll announce my plan to accomplish a ridiculous feat [in this instance, i'll use hiking to venezuela], while explaining how it will benefit everyone in the long run [my experiences traveling there will give me a new world view, one which is much more accurate and capable of tackling today's tough social dilemmas]

–following that, i'll layout how much i estimate that i'll need [i'm gonna ballpark it around $100,000, just because]. since i only have ~$200 on me, i'll amend that by saying i'll pay all costs accrued at a later date when i do have it

–to pay for my trip, i'll pick about 1000 adults at random and send them the bills for everything i rack up, with a decent explanation of what i was doing. given the variety, most will not support my activities, and angrily declare that they aren't going to pay for it. i might get lucky and have ten pitch in considerable sums because "it's important to support everyone's hopes, dreams, and goals in this uncertain time"

–in response to the adults who don't pay my way, i'll publicly lambast them for being unfeeling to the more financially destitute, and label them as misers who don't care about the country as a whole. following that, i'll contact wealthier people i do know and complain how certain people aren't allowing me to live up to the potential good i can do for myself and others. i'll play to their sympathies, and likely end up with somewhere around $300,000

–i'll proceed to blow the money on junk food, various electronics, and other useless things that don't help me or anybody else, wait for the money to be wrung dry, then whine that a lack of support has left me unmotivated to accomplish my dreams. public outcry from a small but vocal group of supporters will then push me to repeat the process, this time with a loftier, more ridiculous goal, and needing even more money.


——————


i think i need to look into internships for next summer
i've spent too many summers at home
i think just being here unmotivates me to do anything productive
i have plenty of food, shelter, security,
and if i run out of cash i can bum some from my parents
perhaps working for a summer away from here will do the trick
that or it i'll just get lazy, forget to do it, then come back here anyway
whichever

the semester is approaching quickly,
which i honestly could care less about
after the nonstop fervor of last semester
i really haven't been thinking much of school
i think my schedule's gonna quickly ease itself into a nice routine
one right on the cusp of 'just enough work to do'
hopefully, with a job of some sort,
and the steadiness of classes,
i'll just settle into a nice, relaxing daily routine
i think i deserve it by this point

and, of course, the eternal question remains:
will living alone turn me into a complete recluse?
or will i just be slightly more reclusive than i am now?
only time [and people who come to bother me] will tell

7/25/09

hegyvidéki

farewell, vain world, i'm going home!
my savior smiles and bids me come,
and i don't care to stay here long!
sweet angels beckon me away,
to sing god's praise in endless day,
and i don't care to stay here long!

i'm glad that i am born to die,
from grief and woe my soul shall fly,
and i don't care to stay here long!
bright angels shall convey me home,
away to new jerusalem,
and i don't care to stay here long!

right up yonder, christians, away up yonder,
o, yes my lord, for i don't care to stay here long!

——————

and am i born to die?
to lay this body down,
and must my trembling spirit fly
into a world unknown?

a land of deepest shade,
unpierced by human thought,
the dreary regions of the dead,
where all things are forgot.

so as soon from earth i go,
what will become of me?
eternal happiness or woe,
must then my trumpet be
.

waken by the trumpet sound,
i, from my grave, shall rise;
and see the judge with glory crowned,
and see the flaming skies.

7/15/09

splątanie

i think i've developed a trend
to date, i've killed three animals with my dad's car since '05
all three of them have been cats
the most recent one was a couple days ago
perhaps its a sign
or maybe it means cats should watch out for me
cuz i brake for nothing, even kitties

someday soon i'll post a link to my russia photos
maybe, if i sort through all of them
and find somewhere to put them
and if anyone here actually wants to see them

i love finding things i like by accident
whether something just catches my eye
or i pick something up by chance
i've done that with music and video games lately
and it's yielded good results

my uncle ed's coming to stay with us for a few days
haven't seen him in a couple years,
so i'm looking forward to it
though i wish it could be under better circumstances
maybe it will turn out ok, maybe it won't
i'm sure you'll be hearing about it either way
in the next few days, i'd imagine

7/1/09

mauser

i have to say, i appreciate the 'rain' that we're getting
it's a shit ton better than humid 95º days
i'm probly the only person here right now who thinks that
and i can live with that

the possibility is high that i'll have an unproductive summer
i've already settled into my routine from last year
though if i end up doing the same things,
it won't bother me nearly as much,
since i actually accomplished something this year
it is possible i'll get something done these summer months
i'm supposed to help make a russian club website
so we'll see how that goes

i ended up buying a bookcase on saturday
the book stack on my nightstand was getting unstable
and i was tired of having half those books still in the boxes
[the boxes i brought them back from the store in]
so i unpacked all of them, and put them on this shelf
the case i bought was three-tiered
and was filled up long before i ran out of books
which means sometime in the future, i'll need another
especially after this saturday comes to pass

it appears i have a new favorite fps
we'll see how long it lasts
it's a good game, so it might hold that title for a while
it also appears i've been on an alanis morissette kick lately
i never knew 'supposed former infatuation junkie' was so good
i've almost like it better than 'jagged little pill', but not quite
guess it's a time of revelation for me

5/9/09

pоссия

v-rossii.blogspot.com

that's where i'll be chronicling my time in russia
feel free to follow along
should be a blast [or not, i have no idea]

4/27/09

kernel panic

i never realized there was a mac version of the blue screen of death
i know that there is now, because i experienced it
and it wasn't something i enjoyed

basically, upon trying to restart my computer
my laptop said the drivers were missing to start os x
there's a whole litany of technical things to follow
but basically,
file permissions and ownership got screwed up
and my system file no longer possessed the system folder
which means? no working operating system
after trying to repair it in disk utility
then doing an archive install
i wiped my hard drive and started afresh
but, i was able to save virtually all my files
'virtually all' because i forgot a couple of them
like my sticky notes, my adium chat logs, things like that
also, because i needed to be punished for screwing up
my itunes library didn't save right

on the plus side of all this,
i have 29 gigs of free space now, instead of five
my computer is running faster than it was before
and any inconsequential, memory–hogging files are long gone

the downside is that i had to do this in the first place
but i accept the blame for it, because it was my fucking fault
as such
i'm not counting this as a crash
because it wasn't unwarranted, and it wasn't a third party app that did it
regardless of all that
in almost six years, this was the first problem i've had with the software
anyone else who can say that about their computer,
please, make yourselves known to me
because i don't believe anyone else has had that experience
i'm just that awesome, i guess

4/24/09

lojalność

i need to stop compulsively downloading music
i'm running out space to put it
that and, most of the time,
it turns out to be shit i don't like
so it's probly better if i scale back on that


i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine
it wasn't really enlightening, it was just...
well, realistic, for lack of a better word
it was about friendship, and the ones i have
i really started to realize that i'm taking the wrong tack on it
i've been making a lot of new friends at msu
most of whom are passing acquaintances at best
i have about 250 msu people on facebook
and i really only know about twenty of them

what bothers me is that i've been doing it a lot
so much so that my old friendships have been waning
that's not to say i didn't expect that
i've told a lot of people to enjoy friendship in the now
because it won't last two years after this
but i've had quite a few that have endured
people who have stuck by me through a lot
for no other reason than because they really liked me
and i've been brushing that aside, like it doesn't matter
well, it does, it really does
basically, i've been substituting people for each other
making friends here who remind me of my old friends
which is completely stupid; there's no reason for it
i've basically been punishing my friends by ignoring them
and that's a real jackass move on my part
like most of mine are

i need to start scaling back on the new people
most of the 'friendships' i've had in the past two years have lacked substance
pretty much all of them are acquaintances of convenience
like a lot of people turn out to be, at least in my case
substituting them for people i actually know and like is stupid
that's not to say i'll drop all friendships i've made here
but most of them i will
most of them aren't worth my time, or their's
and i don't feel like wasting that time

long and boring, i know
but i needed to say it
and there it is

4/22/09

нарицаљка

when i am laid, am laid in earth
may my wrongs create
no trouble, no trouble in thy breast
remember me, remember me, but ah
forget my fate

4/18/09

gözler

where has that old friend gone
lost in a february song
tell him it won't be long
'til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
where is that simple day
before the colors broke into shades
and how did i ever fade
into this life, into this life

morning is waking up
sometimes it's more than just enough
and all that you need to love
is in front of your eyes
it's in front of your eyes

sometimes it's hard to find my ground
cuz i keep on falling as i try
to get away from this crazy world

and i never want to let you down
forgive me if i slip away
when all that i've know is lost and found
i promise you, i'll come back to you
one day...

where has that old friend gone
lost in a february song
tell him it won't be long
till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

4/14/09

kanādos

i feel nothing i say could sum up my emotional state
i think i've cycled through most of my normal emotions today
all compressed into about six hours
all except sadness, haven't had that one at all
the reason behind that eludes me
i've been hitting the same couple since about lunchtime
anger, resignation, confusion, disillusionment, depravity,
determination, and an odd optimism
i don't know why, i really don't
and i wish i could explain it, but i can't
oh well

after running out of adjectives to dance around the subject
i feel there's only one way to describe 'oppenheimer':
unmotivated
no one has the drive to do well
no one wants to stand out as an actor
they all seemed to just stop caring about a week ago
which is fine, it happens to the best actors
[they, as a group, obviously aren't]
i just wish i could've known they'd be like that sooner
i don't want to have to sit through more of this mediocre crap
i have better things to waste my time with

a subject has resurfaced that i don't particularly care for
people have started commenting about 'if i was straight...' again
i've gotten it at least five times this month
'you know, if you were straight, you'd get so much action'
'man, if you were straight, she'd totally be all over you in a second'
what possibly makes people think that's true?
i am, after all, a bisexual, and people know that
if i wanted to bang someone, i/we would
it's as simple as that
the plain truth is that i just don't want to, i seriously don't
i do flirt with a lot of people; it just seems to [somehow] be my nature
but i rarely feel like going beyond it
i could have a ridiculous amount of sex, but i don't
i just choose not to

and, for the record, people
i don't lead people on to no end, only to disappoint in the end
anyone who's around me a decent amount of time should get that
if i wanted to fuck someone, i make it plainly obvious
such as 'hey, i really want to have sex with you; you want to?'
and if i don't do that, then i don't want to fuck that person
it's a very unambiguous system, and it works
so please, before telling me something like that [yet again]
please, just stop, think, and then let the desire pass
because i'm tired of hearing about it

4/10/09

kreisau

lær meg å kjenne dine veie
og gå dem trøstig skritt for skritt
jeg vet at hva jeg fikk i eie
er borget gods og alt er ditt
men vil din sterke hånd meg lede
jeg aldri feil på målet ser
og for hvert håp som dør here nede
får jeg et håp i himlen mer

lær meg å kjenne dine tanker
og øves i å tenke dem
og når i angst mitt hjerte banker
da må du kalle motet frem
når jeg har tenkt meg trett til døden
så si hva du har tenkt, o gud
da kan jeg se at mordenrøden
bak tvil og vånde veller ut

men lær meg fremfor alt å kjenne
din grenseløse kjærlighet
den som kan tusen stjerner tenne
når lykkens sol for meg går ned
den tørrer tåren som den skapte
og leger såret som den slo
dens vei går gjennom det vi tapte
den gir oss mere enn den tok

4/9/09

storstad

in accordance with today's dinosaur comic
i've decided to adopt a new [slightly altered] mantra
instead of 'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with beef'
i will now use
'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with slurpee'
it fits, what can i say

my sleep cycle's been odd this week
i've been getting my normal amount in halves
like, i'll get half during the night
then take a nap and get the other half
or i'll take one or two naps during the day
i don't really mind, so long as productivity doesn't suffer

i have so much shit to do for 373
i only have 20 days left
also, somehow, in the next two weeks
i'm supposed to get through three more novels
i knew this month would blow

4/7/09

împărăţia

eg veit i himmerik ei borg
ho skin som soli klåre
der er kje synder eller sorg
der er kje gråd og tåre

der inne bur guds eigen son
i herlegdom og æra
han er min trøyst og trygge von
hjå honom eg skal vera

men visst eg veit ein morgon renn
då dødens natt skal enda
min lekam opp or gravi stend
og evig fryd får kjenna

me takker deg til evig tid
gud fader alle saman
for du er oss så mild og blig
i jesus kristus amen

ihmisyyttä

not really sure why i've been writing in here so much lately
must be because i can't write anything else
or maybe i just have nothing else to do

i have the most bizarre relationship with opera
i can't listen to any all the way through, i just can't
though, when i discover an aria of sorts i like
i make myself listen to the whole thing
just so i can get a feel for it
and i hate doing that, but i always do
that, and, searching for someone good to sing is ridiculous
i really don't like the operatic voice
it's too unrefined
too reliant on vibrato, and never given color or support
so i have to search long and hard to find someone i like
it's been happening more lately, not really sure why

i've officially lost track of all sense of time
i can't keep days, weeks, or even months straight
this is the fifth day in a row i've seen 5 am
and i there's no reason for it, any of it
i'm just not keeping myself together anymore
this doesn't bode well for the coming month
fuck

4/6/09

în această săptămână

what kind of week it has been:

4 shootings here in the u.s.:
carthage, nc; 8 dead after robert stewart stormed a nursing home
binghampton, ny; 14 dead when jiverly voong sieged an immigration center
pittsburgh, pa; 3 policemen killed by richard poplawski after placing a fake 911 call
graham, wa; 6 dead when james harrison killed his five children and himself, after his wife threatened to leave him

2 earthquakes:
–4.3 magnitude struck san francisco
–6.3 magnitude struck l'aquila [near rome] in italy

a couple other disasters:
–a siege of the lahore police academy leaves 8 insurgents, 5 police, 2 teachers, and a civilian dead
–boats smuggling people across the mediterranean capsize off libya, killing over 300
–flash floods in southern australia trap over 2700 people
–a helicopter crash off the coast of scotland kills 16
–at least 20 are dead following a gold mine collapse in tanzania

while...
–the g20 met in london
nato held it's annual summit in strasbourg and kehl
–a mother in uniontown, pa drugged her daughter, so her boyfriend could get her pregnant
north korea launches its kwangmyŏngsŏng–2 rocket successfully
–mt. redoubt in southern alaska begins to erupt


i'm not sure about the rest of you
but that warrants being called a pretty fucked up week
makes me wonder what the rest of the month's gonna be like

bring it on april, give it your best shot
i want to see what king of shit you'll pull this year, you fuck

4/5/09

nástroj

i know the pieces fit
cuz i watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering
fundamental differing
pure intention juxtaposed
will set two lovers' souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes
testing our communication
the light that fueled our fire then
has burned a hole between us so
we cannot see to reach an end
crippling our communication

i know the pieces fit
cuz i watched them tumble down
no fault, none to blame
it doesn't mean i don't desire
to point the finger, blame the other
watch the temple topple over
to bring the pieces back together
rediscover communication
the poetry that comes
from the squaring off between
and the circling is worth it
finding beauty in the dissonance

there was a time that the pieces fit
but i watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering
strangled by our coveting
i've done the math enough to know
the dangers of our second guessing
doomed to crumble unless we grow
and strengthen our communication
cold silence has a tendency to
atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed brothers
between supposed lovers

i know the pieces fit

4/3/09

nëna shqipëri

my eyes are excruciatingly bloodshot
i understand why the left one is, since i got something in it
but i dunno why the right one's red
it's just irritating

the list for this weekend keeps getting longer
more shit i need to take care of
doesn't help that i'm now having scheduling problems
i'm probly gonna come back monday having accomplished none of it
which would screw me over horribly

i guarantee
if i went to bed right now
i probly wouldn't fall asleep for another hour
such fucking bullshit
i need to sleep
but, no, too much homework
and too much reading and writing

i think my profs are beginning to dislike me
i know zarema does, and i know dr thomas does a little bit
but i feel like my other ones might be as well
and i don't really know why
i'm trying my hardest
i don't really know what else there is i can do

and now, a rhetorical question
one i have yet to answer satisfactorily:
at what point does an unconscious desire become a conscious action?
the gray area in between is where i spend most of my time
yet i can never tell when one become the other

4/2/09

bolondok

of all the stupid things i was expecting to see today
i enjoyed this one the most

i hope against all things probable
that my meeting with my prof goes well tomorrow
i hope that honors option is possible
cuz i'm running out of options
and i need something to show for myself really soon
and along that same vein
i still need to make a schedule for next year
shit

i'm going to start ritually sacrificing animals
starting small, and eventually progressing in size
i can hope some secondary deity will discover me
i don't want help from them, per se
i just hope my inability to balance my deadlines amuses them
and thus, they keep me alive to continue to entertain
that's really all i ask
sure as hell beats the alternatives

i mentioned to someone tonight how i haven't written anything lately
the last thing i wrote to completion was back in august
the last good thing i wrote was over a year ago
most i've been able to manage lately is the beginnings of things
once or twice i might have gotten about halfway done
but nothing's come to fruition in almost 9 months
dry spells are irritating, but i think this is something more...
i think i'm losing my ability to write fiction
i truly am
every piece i try to start seems to be worse than the last one
i've deleted a lot of story ideas off my computer
i know, it goes against the whole creative process thing to do that
but i don't care, all they do is frustrate me
i think it might be time to call it quits on that
probly not forever, but for the foreseeable future

so, here's to you, creative writing part of my brain
you were helpful when you still worked

4/1/09

boerderij

it was a beautiful day today
i was probly one of the only people to think so
but it was
and i just let it be, didn't enjoy it at all
probly last one for a while too
fuck

i honestly don't know if i'm looking forward to russia anymore
i still want to go
very badly in fact
and i really want to experience life somewhere else
but i dunno if it's really a goal anymore
it's beginning to feel like just another thing i have to do
one more hurdle before i finally get to be done
which is something i was afraid would happen
fuck

i really missed denny today for some reason
i have absolutely no idea why
nothing really triggered a memory of him, like it normally happens
must've just been what happened
just makes me think about what he would be like now
i know he would've at least been happy i went to state
would've told me it was about time i switched allegiance
and i never got to tell him i was accepted here
never got to tell him how right he was about this place
never got to apologize for lying to him the last time i saw him
goddamn it, i need to stop doing this
fuck

i wish i could just sleep and sleep, and not do anything else
i would love to just sleep this weekend
but i have too much fucking homework
and too many things to get ready for
and too little time to care about any of it
fuck

on the upside to all that
i'm not failing any classes
i'm also not doing phenomenally in any of them
i've become a mediocre student
someone please just smack some caring into me
fuck

3/30/09

žēlsirdība

recitar! mentre preso dal delirio
non so più quel che dico
e quel che faccio!
eppur è d'uopo, sforzati
bah! sei tu forse un uom?
tu se' pagliaccio!

vesti la giubba
e la faccia infarina
la gente paga, e rider vuole qua
e se arlecchin t'invola colombina
ridi, pagliaccio, e ognun applaudirà!
tramuta in lazzi lo spasmo ed it pianto
in una smorfia in singhiozzo e 'l dolor, ah!

ridi, pagliaccio,
sul tuo amore infranto!
ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!

——————

o mio babbino caro
mi piace è bello, bello
vo' andare in porta rossa
a comperar l'anello!

sì, sì, ci voglio andare!
e se l'amassi indarno
andrei sul ponte vecchio
ma per buttarmi in arno!

mi struggo e mi tormento!
o dio, vorrei morir!
babbo, pietà, pietà!
babbo, pietà, pietà!

3/28/09

engjëlli

i'm surprised today didn't turn out terribly
must've been the zombies with nick and carter
i truly think it's not possible for me to be depressed around them
they're too...real, i guess is the word
they enjoy their lives, they have fun
and we all just get along
i should probly do that more often, i feel like i'm abandoning them

speaking of abandonment
i'm giving up hope of getting any honors options done this semester
i just have too much shit to do another project
i mean, christ, i have more time than this to kill myself academically
why not wait till i'm further along
also, i'd really like to stay in the honors college
here's hoping my grades don't suck this semester

i wish i knew why i've been constantly hungry this week
my stomach's been growling even after i've eaten
perhaps my body is physiologically shutting itself down
or maybe i'm just fucked up, who knows

i would love to have this weekend off from everything
but no, 'responsibilities' i have beg otherwise
bullshit nonsense
next weekend will be appreciated
though i don't know whether i'll like it or not

3/23/09

ħadd

we get some rules to follow
that and this, these and those
no one knows

we get these pills to swallow
how they stick in your throat
tastes like gold

a gift that you give to me
no one knows

i journey through the desert
of the mind, with no hope
i follow

i drift along the ocean
dead lifeboats in the sun
i come undone

pleasantly caving in
i come undone

and i realize you're mine
indeed, a fool am i
and i realize you're mine
indeed, a fool am i

heaven smiles above me
with a gift there below
but no one knows

a gift that you give to me
no one knows

3/17/09

ありがとう

á lífi
kominn heim
sæglópur, á lífi
kominn heim
það kemur kafari

2/16/09

brûlure

today's on fire
the sky is bleeding above me, and i am blistered
i walk these lines of blasphemy every day, and still

i feel diseased
is there no sympathy from the sun?
the sky's still fire
but i am safe in here, from the world outside

so tell me
what's the price to pay for glory?

like a bad star, i'm falling faster down to her
she's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

today is fire, and she burns

2/7/09

barzhoniezh

слава тебе, безысходная боль!
умер вчера сероглазый король.

вечер осенний был душен и ал
муж мой, вернушись, спокойно сказал:

"знаешь, с охоты его принесли,
тело у старого дуба нашли.

жаль королеву. такой молодой!
за ночь одну она стала седой."

трубку свою на камине нашёл
и на работу ночную ушёл.

дочку мою я сейчас разбужу,
в серые глазки её погляжу.

а за окном шелестят тополя:
"нет на земле твоего короля..."

2/2/09

víťazstvo

first of all
i'd like to extend a broad 'fuck you' to non–steeler fans
we're just that goddamn good
get used to it

god that game was a glorious thing
s'why football is good for me
it's something i actually have a vested interest in

and speaking of football
what the fuck is up with all the staff changes going on?
i understand a some of them, but seriously
11 teams have gotten new head coaches
11? how many of them really needed that
obviously the lions needed to get rid of marinelli
and nolan wasn't doing san fran any favors
but seriously?
some of these coaches had winning records
oh well
i'll be damned if i can understand what those people think
all i know is this:
mike tomlin's gonna be around a long fucking time

that is all

1/20/09

frymðu

above all else, the time has come for us to renew our faith in ourselves and in america.

in recent years, that faith has been challenged.

our children have been taught to be ashamed of their country, ashamed of their parents, ashamed of america's record at home and of its role in the world.

at ever turn, we have been beset by those who find everything wrong with america and little that is right. but i am confident that this will not be the judgment of history on these remarkable times in which we are privileged to live.

america's record in this century has been unparalleled in the world's history for its responsibility, for its generosity, for its creativity, and for its progress.

let us be proud that our system has produced and provided more freedom and more abundance, more widely shared, than any other system in the history of the world.

let us be proud that in each of the four wars we have been engaged in this century, including the one we are now bringing to an end, we have fought not for our selfish advantage, but to help others resist aggression.

let us be proud that by our bold, new initiatives, and by our steadfastness for peace with honor, we have made a break-through toward creating in the world what the world has not known before – a structure of peace that can last, not merely for our time, but generations to come.

we are embarking today on an era that presents challenges great as those any nation, or any generation, has ever faced.

we shall answer to god, to history, and to our conscience for the way in which we use these years.

as i stand in this place, so hallowed by history, i think of others who have stood here before me. i think of the dreams they had for america, and i think of how each recognized that he need help far beyond himself in order to make those dreams come true.

today, i ask your prayers that in the years ahead i may have god's help in making decisions that are right for america, and i pray for your help so that together we may be worthy of our challenge.


–richard milhous nixon, 37th president of the united states
second inaugural address, january 20, 1973

1/16/09

ürümqi

i figure i haven't done one of these in awhile
so, now i will

—i was a stunning 1–6 for bowl game predictions this season, a new personal worst; apparently only uconn felt the need to fucking win. big ten, you're killing me, so hard

—i didn't do anything interesting over break, so don't bother asking me; i spent about five days sawing and splitting wood, that's about as good as it gets

—my neighbors on the right side moved out...now there are two douche-bags living there. awesome

—i read three books over break; most i read all year, sadly

—speaking of books, i bought a whopping 21 this semester for my classes [though my total was still less than $300, cuz the interwubs is awesome like that]; if you can break that record, please let me know...if you want to offer empathy, i'd appreciate it

—i really need a fucking job, and nobody's hiring; god. damn. it.

—my dad got me a new computer chair for my dorm, and its fucking SWEET; god i love it, it causes much envy

—i'm directing a short play this spring for roial, so here's hoping i don't fuck it up, huh?

—i have really good ideas for a few short stories, but i really, really doubt they'll work out

—my russian prof called our class 'vagabonds and gypsies' today; it was pretty damn classic

—speaking of that, less than four months until i поеду в россии [i think that's right, i don't even know anymore]

and that's all i have to say about that

1/14/09

pasāža

i died in a car crash two days ago
was unrecognizable when they pulled me from the gears
no one's fault, no one's bottle
no one's teenage pride or throttle
our innocence is all the worse for fears
the other walked away alive
arms wrapped now around his wife

my lover sits, the silent eye
in a hurricane of warmth and word
my mother trembles with the sobs
whose absence seems absurd
my sister shouts to let her see
through the cloud of crowd surrounding me
my colleagues call for silence in my name

i died in a car crash three months ago
they burned me 'til i glowed and crumbled to a fine, gray sand
now i am nothing, everywhere
several breaths of strangers' air
and all thoughts ever written in my hand
they plant my tree out in the yard
it grows but takes the winter hard

my lover puts a knife to wrist
says tomorrow comes, hold on a while
my mother tosses in the sheets
and dreams me holding my own child
my sister plays our homemade tapes
laughs as tears stream down her face
my office door now bears a different name

i died in a car crash four years ago
my tree drinks melted snow, just eight feet tall a pale and fragile thing
bee stings, beaches, bright vacations
sunburnt high-school graduations
a sparrow healing from a broken wing
this year a glimpse of second chances
tiny apples on my tree's branches

my lover hears the open wind
and crawls blinking into the sun
my mother leafs through photographs
and thinks 'yes, she was a lovely one'
my sister can't decide her truth
asks aloud what i might do
in a conference hall my brief efforts engraved

i died in a car crash a lifetime ago, it seems
been a decade or two or three
they just released a new design
bars and bags front and behind
my fate now an impossibility
safely packaged hurtling down
the highway hardly make a sound

my lover very much alive
arms wrapped now around his wife