boerderij

it was a beautiful day today
i was probly one of the only people to think so
but it was
and i just let it be, didn't enjoy it at all
probly last one for a while too
fuck

i honestly don't know if i'm looking forward to russia anymore
i still want to go
very badly in fact
and i really want to experience life somewhere else
but i dunno if it's really a goal anymore
it's beginning to feel like just another thing i have to do
one more hurdle before i finally get to be done
which is something i was afraid would happen
fuck

i really missed denny today for some reason
i have absolutely no idea why
nothing really triggered a memory of him, like it normally happens
must've just been what happened
just makes me think about what he would be like now
i know he would've at least been happy i went to state
would've told me it was about time i switched allegiance
and i never got to tell him i was accepted here
never got to tell him how right he was about this place
never got to apologize for lying to him the last time i saw him
goddamn it, i need to stop doing this
fuck

i wish i could just sleep and sleep, and not do anything else
i would love to just sleep this weekend
but i have too much fucking homework
and too many things to get ready for
and too little time to care about any of it
fuck

on the upside to all that
i'm not failing any classes
i'm also not doing phenomenally in any of them
i've become a mediocre student
someone please just smack some caring into me
fuck