12/28/11

bowling

shame of shames,
i haven't posted anything football related since bowl season started
and i call myself a football fanatic
i hope yinz can forgive me
[see what i did there?]

at any rate,
since the glorious and wonderful bowl season is upon us in full force,
i did my annual tradition of picking winners for bowl games i care about
and here in about a month of so,
i plan to continue that with my tradition of posting about how wrong i was
cuz where's the fun in predictions without lambasting your own stupid choices?

surprisingly enough, i'm off to a 3–0 start
i actually don't remember when i got off to that good of a start
the three games i picked up till now were:
–las vegas: boise state over asu [final: boise 56, asu 24]
–hawai'i: southern miss over nevada [final: usm 24, nevada 17]
–belk: nc state over louisville [final: ncsu 31, louisville 24]
admittedly, all three of those bowls weren't on most peoples' radar,
but that's half the fun of this shit: picking games you have no vested interest in
so now that i've gotten those three out of the way,
let's take a look at the upcoming bowl slate

[a quick word:
i only picked games i cared about to some degree
games with teams i don't give a shit about aren't on here
and there's no bcs games due to my ongoing boycott]

here it is, my list in all its glory:
–champs sports: florida state over notre dame
–alamo: baylor over washington
–insight: iowa over oklahoma
–meineke: texas a&m over northwestern
–chick-fil-a: virginia over auburn
–ticketcity: houston over penn state
–outback: msu over georgia
–capital one: nebraska over south carolina
–cotton: kansas state over arkansas
–compass: pitt over smu

some of those were easy picks, some were excruciating
and here's the method behind my madness
–i'll always pick the noles over the irish, just cuz
–washington's defense has been super susceptible to high–powered offenses all season
the amount of points they gave up to stanford/nebraska/usc was just absurd
–my gut feeling is that iowa will show up and oklahoma won't
iowa's a better team than their production has shown,
and oklahoma was wildly overrated this year
–i don't think northwestern has it in them to win this game
it's in texas, and their defense won't stand up against the aggies balanced offense
–virginia's beaten more ranked teams than auburn has,
AND has the more balanced and talented team
–i love penn state, i really do, but they're gonna get embarassed in this game
we all saw how many points they gave up at wisconsin
it's gonna be that game all over again against houston
–there's no way i pick against msu, no way
–connor shaw may be an illusive little shit,
but the blackshirts will be the best defense they've faced since georgia
and i think nebraska can shut him down
–arkansas may have the better qb, but k state is the better all around team
plus k state has played better on the road than the hogs
–this one's more emotional than logical, but what the hell
i think if pitt shows up like they want to play, they'll get it done

as always, rant away if you disagree
GO GREEN

12/17/11

domain

blogablogablogaBLOGaBLOGABLOGABLOGablogablog
why? because i haven't in a while,
and there is no word more fun to say than 'blog'

as much as i hate doing that sentimental, end–of–my–time–here bullshit nonsense,
since i am, after all, averse to prolonged goodbyes and maudlin displays of emotion,
i decided to temporary suspend my aversion
[yes, i am able to suspend such things, for i am both amazing and powerful]
this isn't going to be a list of things i'll miss most about msu,
people i'm going to miss, things i wish i'd done, и так дальше
i don't have time for that sappy shit

what i have decided to do is write an open letter to the profs who've affected me most
true, quality education is most apparent when students like their teachers,
and carry on knowledge and skills they learned from those teachers
so instead of the stock 'college is ending oh no sadface' reflections
i present: ben says thank you to his favorite profs
they are not in order of preference or ranking, they just are

dr thomas
you were my first history prof at msu, and man am i glad of that
the way you approached your discipline is was perfect for me to learn from:
decidedly old school, but in a refreshing sort of way
you didn't get caught up in all the technological ways to teach or lecture,
you had us sit in a circle and talk and analyze and discuss
you taught me how to read like a historian [yes, that is a thing],
and you taught me how to use the library well, as opposed to just using it
but beyond what you taught me, you showed me just as much
your passion for history is what sets you apart,
and it's what drew me back to you for my second history class
you love everything about it, from the analysis, the effects,
and more importantly, the quirky little shit that makes you go 'huh'
you were the most enthusiastic teacher of history i had at msu,
and if nothing else, you helped foster that in me
i loved history before, and i still love it today
hopefully i'll continue loving it my entire life
i don't know that i would've stuck with it all these years, though, if you hadn't taught me to
you gave me a lot, which is really more important than teaching me subject matter
you didn't lend out your time, or grudgingly agree to help me when i needed it
you GAVE me the tools and resources i needed to be a good student and great historian
i wouldn't have traded my classes with you for anything
i only wish i took your classes more
enjoy your retirement — of everyone i know, you've earned it the most

dr breedlove
i gotta say, you were the most unexpectedly likable prof i've had here
beyond the fact that your name is hilarious [especially considering your subject],
you have the most ridiculously engaging way of teaching:
telling dirty jokes before class, encouraging us to talk about our sex lives,
hell, even lambasting ignorant folks who open their mouths when they shouldn't
your class was worth getting up early and trudging across campus for
and THAT, let me tell you, is a rare thing
and what's more, you taught your subject in a way that unabashedly intrigued me
i'm not an overly sciencey person, unfortunately
while i do love maths and natural sciences, i can't do them to save my life
but i've never been closer to trying than i was after your class was done
you completely sold me on neurobiology and sexual psychology
i've never been as good at science as i was when i took your course,
[to this day, i can still remember what 5α–reductase is]
and i've never wanted to be a scientist more than i did that semester
if nothing else, thank you for reminding me that science is something i can love
though truly, thank you for being both hilarious and insightful
would that every scientist i knew was like you

dr khalil
you are by far the most recent addition to this list,
considering i just took your final yesterday,
but you are definitely deserving of a spot on this list
your charisma and expertise mixed with humerous humility were just too much
i don't know if anyone could not enjoy having you as a prof
you mixed in personal anecdotes seamlessly with lectures,
and you left me wanting to learn more about islam every day
i wasn't expecting my last semester to be graced with as good of a prof as you,
and that pleasant surprise practically saved me through this semester
you're another prof i'll wish i'd gotten another chance to have,
but this one is all on you, since this is your first semester back at msu since 2007
you better believe i'd jump into your class next semester in a heartbeat
thank you for giving me a class worth going to this last semester,
and thank you for just being an all–around awesome guy

dr merrill
purely and simply, you are the reason i'm a russian major
there's really no other way i can describe it
every aspect of you class was perfect for me to learn russian,
and frankly, that's a rare gift for language professors
you made me want to keep learning after class was over,
and you pushed me in just the right way to keep my interest piqued
your knowledge extends far beyond what your class taught,
and it was all i could do to not keep talking and questioning you after every class
you made the challenges fun, accessible and worth doing,
you sold me on studying abroad when i was unsure about doing it,
you broadened my horizons in ways i can't even fathom
and you did it all within a year and a half
it's amazing to think that i only had you for three semesters,
and that i haven't taken one of your classes since spring of 2010,
because every time i was in russian i'd think of you and the way you helped me learn
спасибо большое for being an overall wonderful man,
and for convincing me to take chances when i was unsure

honorable mentions: dr fine and dr moch
you two are here by virtue of my thesis
i'd had dr moch before in a class and loved her
[even though it was team taught, so she only taught about half the lectures],
and was excited to get to work with her again on my academic magnum opus
she was the one who got me to meet with dr fine to discuss her possibly advising my thesis,
and i'm eternally grateful for that
dr fine, you were everything i could've hoped for any more in an advisor
you were understanding, challenging, resourceful, and supportive
the advice you gave me was always sound and pertinent,
and you gave me the space i needed to do my best work [and occasionally, my worst]
you were never hard on me when i did something wrong or wasn't meeting deadlines
and you gave me extremely help and constructive criticism when i needed it most
you and dr moch were both understanding about my time issues at the end,
and i am grateful for your leeway in getting the goddamn thing done
you two are both wonderful, intelligent people
and i'm glad that you were the two i got to finish my undergrad work with

12/6/11

addendum

as much as i stand behind what i previously said,
i feel like i owe you guys some clarification,
if for no other reason than because i should

my irritation with the bcs doesn't extend to most teams playing bcs bowls
many of them have proven worthy of being there,
[with a few notable exceptions]
and i have nothing but respect for their achievements
so even though i won't be watching them play this year,
i wish nothing but success for those teams
ok state, stanford, clemson, west virginia, oregon, and wisconsin
you guys proved you were worthy of competing with the best
so go out there, play your asses off,
and don't take my bcs anger to heart

the one exception i have is this year's sugar bowl
and wouldn't ya know it, my problem ISN'T that michigan is playing
[though i will get to them in a minute]
first off, let me point out this particular fact:
this is the first year the acc has gotten an at–large bcs bid
[miami wasn't in the acc the year they won the national championship,
and neither was virginia tech when they played in one]
and who gets chosen for this particularly vaunted spot?
virginia tech
the same virginia tech that lost the acc championship by FOUR TOUCHDOWNS
the same virginia tech whose only losses were to clemson, by a combined 62–13
so, as everyone made the case that msu shouldn't be given a bcs birth,
namely due to the fact that they lost the b1g championship,
[which, by the way, was far more competitive than the acc championship]
va tech does get an at–large birth for the exact same reason
if you were going to give at at–large berth to a conference championship loser,
why not msu? or georgia?
why would you give that at–large spot to a conference with no real parity?

COMPARISON TIEMZ!
–the acc had only two teams to reach the 10–win plateau
pac12, b1g had 3, the sec had 5; none of those ccg loses got at–large bids
–va tech ended up ranked higher ranked than the team that beat it [by 4 spots]
the other three conference losers all ended up ranked lower than the team that beat them
–boise state's biggest non–conference win was [in practice] at georgia
va tech's was hosting arkansas state
[boise also happens to be ranked four spots above va tech]
–south carolina actually managed to beat clemson this year [and is ranked above va tech]
believe me, i could go on

so, with the wholly unworthy va tech filling the bcs at–large void
[which it truly only got because the sec filled its two spots in the ncg
which, if you'll recall, is BULLSHIT NONSENSE]
who do they get to play them?
that would be the b1g at–large team, naturally
and this, that happens to be michigan
now, i'm not going to bitch and moan about how michigan got picked before msu
[mostly because i don't believe ccg losers should play in bcs games]
but i will say this:
having michigan play in the bcs again is good for the big ten
as you also may recall, i said that michigan playing well makes msu look better
and in this case, michigan playing well makes the big ten look better too
when a conference's biggest team plays like shit, it reflects poorly on all of them
case in point: the big 12 last year when texas went 5–7
so as much as i wish that msu was playing in the sugar bowl this year,
i'm glad that michigan is [kind of] back to playing like they used to
cuz if nothing else, after last year's bowl season,
the big ten's gonna need every win it can get

by the way, what i WILL bitch about is this
as much as i'll enjoy if michigan wins the sugar bowl
i will absolutely loathe the michigan fanbase for it
many a michigan fan is already insufferable to me,
and if they get a quality bowl win this year,
they'll be back to bragging and boasting like the last three years didn't happen
and while it's completely understandable that they'd want to put it behind them,
they do it in a way that collectively makes them the most insufferable pricks i know
it will also make the offseason a long, drawn–out pain in the ass
mostly because they'll go back to talkin' smack about next year's paul bunyan game
so i'm at an impasse:
i root for michigan [again, finally], and then i have to deal with the fans
what's a spartan to do?


as a pertinent aside:
what in fuck's name is up with the way michigan fans interact with msu fans?
we are, apparently, michigan's "third-most-important rival"
[behind ohio state and notre dame]
never mind the fact that msu has been playing michigan longer than notre dame
and michigan fans treat the msu game with such disdain that it leads me to ask:
what's up witht that?
when you guys were losing to ohio state, you acted like the games never happened,
and went back to your rah–rah–we're–michiganness the next day
but when you lost to michigan state,
you bitched about the fanbase and wrote off the wins as fluke
[and still went back to your rah–rah–we're–michiganness the next day]
i dunno if it's because disliking msu is somehow wired into your brains,
but let me break it down for you to the point where you can get it:
msu is the perennial and historic second–best team
and when the second–best team beats the best team,
it warrants some bragging
when the second–best team slowly becomes equal to the best team,
it's a big fucking deal
i'm sorry if you can't wrap your minds around that,
but that's basically what it comes down to
of course msu fans are gonna be high on themselves when they beat michigan
we've gotten shit for SO LONG about who we root for,
that we're gonna savor every last moment of those wins

i'll tell you what's gonna be really sad
the next time you beat msu,
i can GUARANTEE the big house is gonna act exactly like they did after 'the game'
people are gonna go nuts and celebrate like it's the second coming
and truthfully, it will be deserved
but believe me when i say i will be watching that celebration,
and will truly enjoy reminding you guys just how hypocritical you are

oh, and by the way,
notre dame is OUR main rival
and we have a better rivalry with them than you do
msu has played them far more than michigan has,
[and they happen to have beaten them more times than michigan has]
additionally, although msu has played michigan more times than notre dame
the msu–notre dame games tend to be better than the msu–michigan games
not just recently, but historically
so trust me, this 'you're not our biggest rival' bullshit goes both way
besides, nothing pisses off michigan fans like being ignored or overlooked
and what kind of msu fan would i be if i didn't use that to its fullest extent?

12/5/11

fallout

so guess what?
it's sunday night, and the final regular season bcs rankings are out
know what that means?
yup: MORE FOOTBALL RANTING
[seryusly, if you guys aren't sick of it yet, than you never will be
which means i may as well just make it happen more often]

first off, let me proffer some organization for my decidedly unorganized thoughts
i'm gonna bitch about the weird as fuck rankings,
then i'm gonna bitch about the bowl selections,
then i'm gonna bitch about the bcs
cool? cool. so let's get to it

right off the bat,
it becomes extremely obvious that the bcs absolutely hates non–aq teams
and thus relishes punishing them
case in point: the until–yesterday unbeaten houston cougars
they were ranked #6 last week when they played the #24 souther miss golden eagles,
and then houston proceeded to lose to them. badly. [by 21 points]
so where's the problem?
the bcs dropped them THIRTEEN places to #19 in this week's bcs
and southern miss? they got a bump ALL THE WAY up to #21
how fucking bullshit is that?
by comparison, georgia was #14 when they lost to lsu, and are now ranked #16
msu was #13 when they lost to wisconsin, and are now #17
va tech was #5 when the lost to clemson, and now they are #11
oh, and btdubs, oklahoma was #10 when they lost by 34 FUCKING POINTS to osu
and now, they're all the way down to #14
believe me when i say i could go on and on
i'm not arguing that houston doesn't deserve to drop spots for their loss,
nor do i believe they are less deserving because they play in a [relatively] weaker conference,
i'm arguing that the bcs is complete and utter horseshit when it comes to non–aq teams
how does southern miss only move up by three when they knocked off the #6 team?
how does houston drop 13 spots by losing to a ranked team?
i can GUARANTEE you, if lsu had lost to georgia by 3 tds yesterday,
that they'd still be in the top 5
so let's just take that wool off our eyes and admit it ourselves and the world:
if you aren't an sec team, the bcs won't like you and will underrate you
if you aren't an automatic–qualifying team, fuck you go die in a fire
and that is our supposedly unbiased, fair, computerized ranking system

oh, and by the way
there are four 9–win teams in the top 25 [the highest one, baylor, is #12]
and there are only two teams that have 12+ wins
one is the current #1, lsu, at 13–0; the other, houston, is #19 at 12–1
ready for the real kicker?
there are two [TWO!] 7–5 teams in the latest bcs top 25
texas [24] and auburn [25]
how does THAT not scream bias?
texas shot itself in the foot yesterday at home by 24 points to baylor,
and auburn got destroyed [28 points] by alabama two weeks ago
they were both ranked in the low 20s last week,
so how in fuck's name are they still included in the top 25?
texas has lost to every ranked team they've played this year
and auburn beat one [south carolina] in week 5
and just to put the cherry on top of this particular bullshit sundae,
arkansas moved up 2 places after NOT EVEN PLAYING this week,
[by virtue of the fact that their blowout to lsu had them slip only five spots to #8]
which means they got rewarded for other teams losing,
solely because they got preferential treatment in the first place

and now, to the bowl games,
because i can't believe this shit
first up, our nc game: lsu and alabama
i simply refuse to believe that alabama is better than oklahoma state
i flat out deny that line of thinking
yes, alabama's only loss was to lsu, whereas ok state's sole loss was to unraked iowa state
BUT, ok state has a MUCH more productive offense than alabama
and they've played arguably just as tough of a slate as the crimson tide
more importantly, they finished the season stronger than the tide did
you could even make the argument that stanford would make an equally strong #2
what it comes down to for me, though, is the hypocrisy of punishment
do you remember how many spots alabama dropped from their lsu loss? just 2 [to #4]
how many spots did oregon fall with their loss to lsu? 10 [#3 to #13]
how many did arkansas fall? 5
how about west virginia? 6
florida? over 8 [#17 to out of the bcs]
i don't care if alabama's loss to lsu was closer than anyone else's
in this case, a loss is a loss, and they aren't treated with any kind of congruity
which means the sport's media's darling sec west gets yet another national title
while ok state is left with the fiesta bowl [though that is a good consolation prize]

and while we're on the subject of bowls,
how the hell did boise state end up in such a shitty bowl game?
it's not like they're ranked #7 at 11–1 that started with a win over #19 georgia
i understand that they didn't win the mountain west this year [tcu did]
but the fact that they're stuck playing a 7–5 arizona state is ludicrous
especially since the sun devils have dropped four straight games to weak teams
boise should be playing a strong big ten or big 12 team
like nebraska, penn state, oklahoma, or baylor
they should return their bowl game for a full refund and get an upgrade
and speaking of bowl games with TERRIBLE teams,
how about this year's kraft fight hunger bowl,
which has the must–see matchup of 6–6 illinois and 6–7 ucla
two of the most embarrassing teams that bothered playing this year
seriously, illinois has lost six straight games and fired its head coach,
along with being the laughing stock of the entire big ten
[seriously, even indiana and minnesota are more respected right now]
and ucla? the team that had to get a special waiver to play a bowl with a losing record?
[for the record, how is that a thing? bowl games are for winner who deserve it
ucla, you are most definitely not a winner, and you do not deserve a bowl
i don't give a flying fuck if you "won" the pac12 south,
you've given up 99 points in the past two games, and only scored 31
no right–minded indvidual would ever reward you for that hideous performance]
i dunno about the rest of you,
but of all the boring bowl games i'll be actively ignoring this month,
that one will be at the top of the list

all that being said, there are some bowls to look forward to this month
and though there are some that i'll be more interested in watching than others,
here's my list of bowls worth watching:
–nevada v. souther miss [sheraton hawai'i, 12/24]
–louisvile v. nc state [belk, 12/27]
–florida state v. notre dame [champs sports, 12/29]
–washington v. baylor [valero alamo]
–iowa v. oklahoma [insight]
–northwestern v. texas a&m [meineke]
–virginia v. auburn [chick–fil–a]
–houston v. penn state [ticketcity]
–msu v. georgia [outback]
–nebraska v. south carolina [capital one]
–kansas state v. arkansas [cotton]
–smu v. pittsburgh [bbva compass]
it seems like a short list [at least to me],
but with a lack of bcs bowls, it's gonna be a little bit paltry
speaking of bcs bowls...

an open letter to the bcs:
dear bcs, my name is ben and i'm an avid college football fan.
i spend all year impatiently waiting for football to finally begin,
and look forward to bowl season like a 6 year old looks forward to christmas.
this year, though, christmas will seem a little less magical thanks to you.
you've grinched me out of quality national championship game,
just as you've given me 'unbiased' formulaic rankings for the past 8 weeks [and 13 years].
you've tried to tell me that my conference, the big ten, just isn't good enough,
and have consistently screwed us out of fair rankings for our most quality teams.
i'd say i feel alone in that, but unfortunately the big ten isn't the only one to feel this way:
i imagine the acc and pac12 have quite the bone to pick you, not to mention the big 12.
and even though you've put me through this for more years than i'd care to remember,
this year finally feels like you've taken it too far.
i've seen good teams go underrated and underranked this entire season,
and i've seen incredibly overrated teams be unfairly highly ranked for long stretches of time.
so, i say to you, for all to see, that i'm done with your bullshit.
i'm declaring an all–encompassing boycott on the bcs for the foreseeable future.
i will not watch the national championship, the fiesta, sugar, or orange bowls,
and as much as it pains me to do so, i will not be watching the rose bowl.
i refuse to go along with your charade any longer.
even if, in the coming years, my team manages to win it all and play in the rose bowl,
i will not be watching them, because of you,
and i encourage the fanbases of teams you've spurned to do the same.
the only thing that has proven influential over you is money, ratings, and attendance,
and i steadfastly refuse to provide you with any of them.
so go ahead, give the sec west their sixth straight national championship.
go ahead and give undeserving teams bcs bowls and deserving teams the cold shoulder.
go ahead and claim objective superiority with your computerized formulas.
you overshadow on–field accomplishments with off–the–field choices,
you've created way more controversy than support in the past 13 years,
you've been accused of virtually every impropriety known to american law,
and yet you still claim superiority over the rest of us.
i'm done giving you that satisfaction, and i'm done with you.
please, stop ruining college football for me and my fellow fans,
and let us get back to enjoying the games without your nonsense hovering over our heads.

12/3/11

грінго

father says head down, we don't want them finding you
mother says practice now all the words you now
oh, arizona's burning, they say the fence turned round
and now the razor wire keeps us out
mother says with luck we'll sleep under a roof tonight
father says in the truck we'll be crushed in tight

oh chicago, don't forget me as the miles between us grow
keep the maple tree carved with the name of my love
the hills we would sled down
lake michigan stay endless and painted in sky, goodbye

mother says years ago, the whole world was ours to rule
father says let it go those days are gone for good
all the signs read 'no gringo', but somehow we'll find out way
maybe waiting at dawn by the factory doors,
sun burnt and bent in the fields
hey don't us in, we'll be silent as the grave this time

no gringo, no gringo aquí, words as levies against the flood
hoy cerrado, there's too many to feed, room for only our kind, our own blood
no gringo, no gringo aquí, you have stayed in this land for too long
tan amargo, but there's no time to grieve, you just pack up your things and move on

12/1/11

battle assembly

this past month was INSANE with pageviews this month
like i said before, it was mostly spam sites that somehow started linking to me,
so there was an abnormally large spike in traffic
i'm just gonna pretend that i'm famous now and people value my opinion now
so good to you guys?

we start with an aside because i couldn't believe this when i saw it
for those of you who don't know him,
jeremy clarkson is the host of top gear,
by far the most popular car show on the planet
he also happens to be a complete too (or, as the brits might say, a horse's arse)
now, i have no idea what in fuck's name he was originally talking about,
but somehow an aside got started about unionized public sector workers,
and how some are currently striking over changes to their pensions,
and this was his response to that topic:
"frankly, i'd have them all shot.
i would take them out and execute them in front of their families.
i mean how dare they go on strike,
when they've got these gilt–edged pensions that are guaranteed,
when the rest of us have to work for a living."
now, truthfully, i could care less what he thinks about public unions and union workers,
but that's not something you say on fucking tv
i don't care if he's known for making satirical or controversial statements
that's not something you joke about
his joke about less traffic at the airport? no problem there (though kinda unoriginal)
joking about killing them all? decidedly not so
i don't think he should be fired [because of that whole free speech thing], but seriously,
what the hell, jeremy clarkson? how stupid can you be on live tv?
do us a favor and just shut the hell up

[oh, and for the record,
i love how he insinuates that he's a regular working stiff
the man makes hundreds of thousands of pounds a year hosting a tv show
hardly the kind of work that justifies having a pension, eh?
no wonder he said that stuff – he's jealous he doesn't get retirement]


now we get to the part i actually intended to blogablog about
[another aside: i love the word 'blog' an almost unhealthy amount
seriously, let it loll about on your tongue for a while
it's almost as much to say as 'lesbian']
i first planned to write this post about a month and a half ago,
but then other things happened that took up my time
[like other blog topics]
at any rate, let's get to it now

one of the reasons i enjoy big ten football is that it's spoiler–tastic
there's at least one beautiful, impossible probably EVERY. YEAR.
usually more than one [lookin' at you, northwestern]
but what's even more exciting than that is playing the one spot you can never win at
there's at least one stadium each team can just NEVER win at,
especially when it's a place they should be able to no problem
it's kind of a hackneyed term nowadays [especially since it's after halloween],
but every team has their own personal 'house of horrors'
so let's take a jaunt through the big ten,
and relish in the frustration these places inevitably bring
i'll start with msu, because it's a convenient [and biased] place to start

msu: at iowa
if ever there was a stadium that had msu's number,
it would be kinnick stadium in iowa city
good as iowa's team is, kinnick isn't exactly the most imposing place to play
especially considering iowa hasn't historically been better than msu
[though in my lifetime they've been equal to better than da spartans]
for whatever reason, though, msu just cannot win there
this year's win was the first for msu at iowa since 1989
i was five months old the last time msu had won there
and the sad part is, most of those games weren't even close
most of them ended win scores closer to last year's blowout in week 9
ultimately though, i'm okay with iowa being our only real problem
[i don't consider our problem to be penn state,
because our losses to iowa are usually inexplicable
losses to penn state at beaver stadium are expected by everyone]
especially considering iowa's problem...

iowa: at northwestern
you wanna talk about inexplicable?
how about the fact that kirk ferentz has only won in evanston twice in seven tries?
iowa has completely owned the series between them and northwestern
thanks in part to 21 straight victories from '74 to '94
but man, ever since northwestern won the rose bowl in '95,
iowa's been faceplanting at northwestern like it's their JOB
it can partially be attributed to the fact that northwestern is a spoiler EXPERT
[they pull off at least one amazing spoiler each and every year, case in point:
nebraska '11, iowa '10, wisconsin '09, minnesota '08, msu '07, you get the point]
but even that doesn't explain how the hawkeyes manage to consistently fall flat
must just be one of those things,
kinda like...

northwestern: at indiana
...seriously? indiana?
the indiana that last had a coach with a winning record in 1947?
the indiana that doesn't have a winning record in any of its rivalries?
yup, that indiana
consider: northwestern has lost to indiana only thrice since 1993
where have all three of those losses come? at indiana, naturally
in fact, in my lifetime, northwestern is 5 for 10 in bloomington
to which i say... how is that possible?
seriously. SERIOUSLY. it's fucking indiana
i mean, great job hoosiers, but seriously, how did you manage that?
then again, indiana doesn't really have room to boast
especially when you bring up...

indiana: at minnesota
sweet and holy jesus is this a funny series
there's nothing like the two perennially terrible teams duking it out
even though there's a couple multi–year gaps in this set of games,
indiana hasn't won at minnesota since 1993,
and they're a pitiful 2 for 6 in minneapolis
again, it's not like the humphrey dome was the most intimidating environment
i don't know that i have any more words to dedicate to this one
it feels like picking on little kids
speaking of being picked on...

minnesota: at purdue
[i was tempted to make this one at wisconsin instead,
but i'm trying to keep this to schools these teams should be able to beat, but can't]
minnesota and purdue are roughly equal as far as football has been concerned,
but man, if there's one place minnesota can never get traction, its at purdue
sure, the gophers have lost at the big house a shit ton [like everyone else]
and have had recent issues at camp randall,
but c'mon, they should at least able to make something happen in west lafayette
but no
instead, they've gone a spectacularly horrendous 2 for 10 playing at purdue
i know minnesota's had it issues recently, but so has purdue
you'd think there'd be more equity in their respective mediocrity
but then you'd be wrong, you wrong person, you
besides, purdue has to have stumbled somewhere along the line too, yeah?
yes indeed, and it just happens to be...

purdue: at iowa
yeah, we're not the only ones that faceplant at kinnick
but unlike us, purdue has been playing iowa for twice as long
and thus has the funnier fail streak
the last time purdue won at iowa was '92, and the time before that was '79
which makes them 2 for the past 13 at kinnick
man do those iowans love their streaks or what?
again, no words, just... damn, that's sad
so much for being the 'spoilermakers', huh?
actually, yes, because...

ohio state: at purdue
i'm pretty sure every big ten fan relishes this particular gem
ohio state has lost 4 times at purdue in the past decade,
whereas their second highest loss total is at wisconsin, where they've lost twice
no one seems to know the logic behind this one
this year ohio state was down, but still should've probly won
in 2009 they were fucking undefeated at ranked #7
in 2004 they just didn't show up to play,
and in 2000 they were 5–1 and ranked #12
there's no logical way purdue manages to beat them,
and yet, there it is for all to see
talk about embarrassing,
which just happens to lead me to...

penn state: at ohio state
this one is REALLY the one that really boggles the mind
penn state, the most successful big ten school of the past 50 years,
champions of the mid–atlantic, heaviest of the heavy hitters,
and they've won OHIO in columbus in my lifetime, out of nine tries
what the fuckin' fuck?
how could the buckeyes have that ridiculous of a streak against penn state?
how is that even possible? i just... there has to be... i mean—GODDAMN IT
this one makes so little sense it hurts my head
christ on a bike, penn state, this is just pathetic
though there are more pathetic things out there, e.g....

illinois at: illinois
if any team has a confusion–inducing home–loss tendency, it would the illini
i dunno how they do it, i really don't
while they've had problems with big ten road games [like most teams],
they've only won nine b1g home games since 2006
NINE
in that same time span, here's how other teams have fared at home against b1g teams:
msu 16, wisconsin 21, michigan 14, indiana 7, ohio state 20 [16 after vacated wins]
i can't believe illinois only got two more wins than indiana in that stretch
oh, and it goes back a lot farther, believe you me
i just don't want to have to count back that far
at any rate, no one beats illinois quite like it beats itself at home

wisconsin: michigan state
as an msu fan, i love this so hard it hurts
not only has wisconsin lost four straight games in east lansing,
they've only won 3 games in east lansing in the past 20 years,
making them a wonderfully paltry 3 out of 10,
and only slightly better than minnesota when it plays purdue
not only does wisconsin have that unfortunate 4 game losing streak,
three of those games have been lost in the final three minutes of the game
2011 it was the td pass in the last four seconds,
2010 it was the td pass 40 seconds before the two minute warning,
2008 it was the last second field goal,
[and 2004 was a 35 blowout]
talk up the badgers all you want before the championship this saturday,
but we all know what happens when the badgers come to town

michigan: ohio state
i didn't really have much of a choice to make with this one
even though michigan has a couple active losing streaks at various b1g stadiums,
none sticks out quite like the one in columbus
regardless of the 7 game losing streak michigan just snapped,
they've had some serious woes at ohio state over the course of my life
how woeful? something to the tune of being 3 for 11 since 1989
yeah, you didn't read that wrong, 3 of 11
i understand that michigan/ohio state is the best and most competitive rivalry out there,
[yeah, every single other yearly rivalry can SUCK. IT.]
but even so, that's quite lopsided
i understand that a rivalry this intense will go back and forth,
but i would've expected better from the winningest program ever
i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'

also, i'm not doing one for nebraska
mostly because i don't want to
SO THERE

11/28/11

malefic

guess what time it is?
if you guessed "...fuck, not more football",
put on the crown, today you're the king
the college football regular season is almost officially over,
so what better way to celebrate than hardcore raging?
it is, after all, what you've come to expect from me
so why deny you all that you've come to love and cherish

first up, fired coaches
you've gotta hand it to athletic directors these days
they've got to be some of the most efficient people on the face of the earth
three coaches were confirmed fired before noon on sunday, NOON
that's some pretty quick decision making
really, ads? couldn't even get through the weekend before making announcements?
what happened to announcing that shit on monday morning?
christ, at least give the coach you're firing a day to clear out his desk
btdubs, for those that are wondering,
the three coaches are ron zook [illinois], turner gill [kansas], and larry porter [memphis]
at the moment, those are the only three that are confirmed
and OH BOY, are there a shit ton more on their way
if following college football has taught me anything,
it's to expect double digit coach firings in the two weeks after the season ends
and we've started the carousel srong this year with a nice trifecta
who's next, i wonder?

i'm not one to normally speculate on the future of coaches
mostly because i find it pedantic and usually pretty mean–spirited
[these are, after all, people, and regardless of how you feel about them,
they deserve a modicum of respect and dignity, even in being fired]
but man oh man, this year's projected slate is MASSIVE
from all i've been able to garner from at least quasi–credible sources,
[and yes, espn, that absolutely includes you]
here's the 'possibly fired/hotseat' coaches list:
4 from the big 12, 2 from the big east, 3 from the b1g
4 from conference usa, 3 from mac, 2 from mountain west, 4 from pac12,
3 from sec, 2 from sun belt, and 2 from wac
that, ladies and gents, is a full 29 coaches
29 men with the massive media spotlight shining right in their eyes
surely that many people don't deserve to be fired
so how about we just collectively chill the hell out, hmm?
i'm sure the school will fill us in very soon
[since they are loathe to wait so long]

and since everyone else is blowing up the interwubs with it,
this is my two cents on urban meyer:
urban, you're being an ass
if you think florida was stressful and detrimental to your health,
then you ain't seen nothin' yet
how could ohio state possibly be any less stressful than that?
also, i hope your girls and wife enjoyed the past 11 months with you,
cuz they'll probly never see you again
so much for being a family man and spending more quality time with them, eh?
please, do me and the rest of the big ten a favor:
actually spend some time with your family, look after yourself,
and fuck's sake, stay the hell out of my conference

in other football news,
my b1g champsionship prediction is half wrong, much to our collective chagrin
[thanks a lot, penn state, for proving me SUPER WRONG
maybe it was your succesful wildcat plays last week at ohio state,
but i believed you could kick ass on the road
guess last year wasn't an offensive fluke after all]
i gotta say, i'm not nearly as excited as everyone else about this rematch
first off, i'm not a fan of post–season rematchs of regular–season games
they just aren't as enjoyable as the first time around,
and they tend to get WAY over–hyped [case in point, '97 sugar bowl]
plus, who wants to see the same game twice in one season?
college football's season is already short enough,
why cheapen it with rematches?
secondly, i wanted a match up with penn state SO BAD
that would've a great goddamn game
the big ten's two best defenses going head to head on a neutral field?
i'd watch that so hard ALL DAY LONG
and what self–respecting team could pass up the chance to play penn state?
seryusly, i'd take them over wisconsin any day

secondly, and this is related,
am i really going to have to put up with this 'msu's inferior' bullshit AGAIN?
how fucking stupid and/or blind are you people?
beyond the fact that msu has TWICE derailed wisconsin's perfect season dreams,
they've played better on the road than wisconsin has
consider:
msu has beaten ohio state, iowa, and northwestern on the road
wisconsin has beaten illinois and minnesota on the road
msu has the league's top–ranked defense, wisconsin the top–ranked offense
there is no plausible way you can say that either team is superior
they're virtually even as far as talent and on–field performance
yes it'll be a hard–fought game, and yes msu might lose
but to count msu out before it begins is foolish to the point of idiocy
might i remind all of you that msu was counted out of the 10/22 game?
might i remind you that msu wasn't predicted to win the legends division?
and might i remind i remind you that both of those were proven wrong?
so please, give credit where credit is due
and admit that wisconsin will meet its match in indianapolis
because it will, and i'm gonna watch every second of it

finally, a message to michigan football:
thank you, thank you, thank you
thanks for finally giving me a michigan team i can root for
thank you for FINALLY ending that ridiculous streak against ohio state
and thanks for helping the state of michigan to its most successful b1g season ever
it was about fucking time you guys played like a michigan team,
and not some pansy half–southern whining spread–offense–running sons o' bitches
remember how i said that michigan playing well makes msu better too?
well, i'm glad you took it to heart
you guys actually played like you wanted to win, and then did it
[i bet a few of you had forgotten what that felt like]
too bad you hadn't thought to get brady hoke four years ago, eh?
at any rate, congrats on a stellar season, and good luck in your bowl game
[p.s.—if/when msu wins the b1g championship on saturday,
i hope you guys get the bcs at–large bid,
that way the b1g's bcs contingent is pure michigan
i could totally live with that]

11/26/11

µήδεια

inside the labyrinth walls there lies a tiny child who sleeps alone
and as the daylight falls the wind becomes so wild across the stone
for i have made her prison be her every step away from me
and this child i would destroy if you tried to set her free

so come to me, my love, i'll tap into your strength and drain it dry
can never have enough, for you i'd burn the length and breadth of sky
for it's my thoughts that bind me here, it's this love that i most fear
and this child i would destroy, for i hold her pain most dear

no haven for this heart, no shelter for this child in mazes lost
heaven keep us apart, a curse for every mile of ocean crossed
for i must die for what i've done, a twist of fate, a desert sun
for i see what i destroy, sweet reflection knife into me
for i see what i destroy, i can see what i've begun

11/22/11

entrecôte

i did something last night that i thought i never would:
i actually made myself a twitter
this may strike some of you as a surprise
[given my vocal opponence to posting statuses online
see: my moratorium on facebook statuses]
but i may yet find it convenient and useful
that or it'll rot away like so many unused websites of yesteryear
[i'm lookin' at you, myspace and aol]
so let's collectively begin the grand experiment that is me on the twitterverse,
and begin with the obligatory webspeak:
HGARGLHBLARGHFOLLOWMEONTWITTERBLARGHKTHNXBAI

now that i got that out of the way,
here's the actual link:
[in case, for some reason, you're averse to clicking the one at right]
twitter.com/djemsojedi
you'll notice that the name is the same as both this blog AND my facebook
[or, as mr michael calls it, teh fezbuk]
yes, i am that unoriginal,
but it also makes it easier to find my collective online presence,
which really only facilitates a ridiculous, unachievable pipe dream i have,
namely that someday i'll be like stephen fry
a boy can dream, right?

we begin today with a romp around the interwubs,
cuz it's little more than my virtual playground
so let's take a romp through the psychotic sandbox, shall we?

first up: FUHBAL, because i fucking can
after enduring a hilariously awful plummet into the depths of football hell,
the arizona wildcats fired their coach, mike stoops, partway through the season
despite my unrestrainable apathy towards them and their football team
i suddenly find myself vaguely interested in their future,
because as a replacement, they hired rich rodriguez
which is possibly the only act that could make the entire michigan fanbase gag at once
what surprises me, though, is not that they got him
it's that they got him considering what his strength[s] are
richrod is by and large an offensive guy
say what you will about his michigan squads [and believe me, i could say a lot],
he honed that offense into quite the machine
that surprises me because from what i've seen, arizona's offense was fine
they've got a good quarterback in nick foles, their receiving corps is explosive,
but their defense was what was getting them into trouble
so why you'd get an offensive–minded coach is beyond me
though maybe his choice in defensive coordinator will be better this go–around
at any rate, i'll be interested to see how his tenure goes
he'll be on a shorter leash, given his issues at michigan
but his time at west virginia, as we've collectively forgotten, was very succesful
maybe arizona will provide him the clemency he needs

in other news,
politically minded folk are up in arms at maine and wisconsin republicans
[...not that this is out of the norm, mind you]
but this time, it's for a reason i'm kinda in favor of
many of you are aware that we have both federal– and state–level child labor laws
what you may not know is that we have them for a goddamn reason
children shouldn't be made to do dangerous work when they are still developing,
they should be compelled to work instead of going to school,
and they shouldn't spend as much time at work as they do at school
gilded and progressive era activists and politicians were able to recognize that,
and passed legislation to limit its scope
in the currently–popular trend of reducing the federal gov't to a drooling husk,
certain states politicians are trying to scale back the scope of child labor laws,
in maine, for example, some are trying to make the following changes in maine:
—eliminating maximum # of working hours for 16+ y/0 students during school days
—establishes a 'training wage' $2/hr lower than minimum wage for the first 180 days for everyone under 20
—removes certain exemptions from disallowed labor for minors


speaking of trying to reduce child labor laws,
wisconsin is trying to do something similar
the downside of federal child labor laws is that they're kind of antiquated
they haven't been kept as up–to–date as the state laws over the past few decades
as such, they're not particularly stringent or comprehensive
because of that reality,
states have passed their own child labor laws that are more restrictive and specific
[which, by the way, IS HOW IT'S SUPPOSED TO FUCKING WORK]
apparently, though, the state of wisconsin's ruling party no longer cares for them
the wisconsin grocers association proposed scaling back their child labor laws,
essentially taking away all specifics to make it identical to the federal law
and it was added to the state's budget proposal

i'm not sure about the rest of you,
but i'm not a fan of this particular trend
if we as a society have decided that, with childhood, education is more important than work,
[which, by the way, we have, what with our public school system and all]
then we have to stick by it
you can throw out arguments about how teens aren't children,
or that teens will need the work experience and/or the money,
or that they need to be 'graced' into the world of work,
but it basically comes down to this:
as a child/teen, your singular legal priority is to attend and graduate from school
and your parents are legally obligated to care for you until you do
if you want to start working when you're 16, fine
but it needs to not consume your life to the point of being detrimental to school
when you reduce the restrictions on the kind of work you can do as a minor,
you're basically incentivizing working over getting an education
not to mention you're glutting the labor market with cheap labor
[which really does wonders for unemployment, let me tell you]
and to mention the fact that if you work for pay when under 18,
you're being taxed without representation by being under the voting age
ultimately, there are too many potential negatives with scaling back these laws
and if nothing else, we need to remember this:
if we did it once, we'll do it again
if kids once worked in canneries and factories, they will again
and it will benefit no one

in other news,
i'm FINALLY all caught up on the big bang theory
the last episode i remembered watching was the season 4 pilot,
and while everyone else i knew kept up on it,
i let it fall by the wayside like the slacker i am
but, with fluke free time thanks to a crippling bought of writer's block,
i decided to catch up, and spent 8 hours on sunday watching season 4,
and a decent amount of yesterday watching season 5
i now know what in fuck's name is going on in geekland once more
and i am the better for it
hozallah and praise be

to bring this post full circle,
it's time to return to football, because i fucking can
sweet and holy jesus was the bcs beat up this weekend
christ on a bike
4 top ten teams lost [one of them by an embarrassing margin],
a number of teams won when they weren't supposed to,
and somehow texas and auburn are still listed in the top 25
[to which i say: ...are you fucking kidding me?
both have four losses and in the bottom half of their respective conferences
unbiased rankings my hairy ass]
and as a result of all that nonsense,
the sec west has the top 3 bcs spots [lsu, alabama, and arkansas]
again... are you fucking kidding me?
if that happened to any other conference or division,
the football world would collectively cry foul and boycott the bcs
i don't even have words for how much this irritates the bejeezus out of me
because this means that the sec is basically shoed in to the national championship
both spots, not just one
i would bet tons of money that if arkansas beats lsu on saturday,
all that happens is that they switch spots, maybe bump alabama down
and we'd still have an all–sec national championship
i dunno about you, but i'm tired of this shit

i say it here and now, for all to see
if the sec gets both spots in the national championship,
i'm boycotting the bcs [with the exception of the rose bowl if msu or psu play]
and i'd ask you to as well
there's no reason for them to keep taking advantage of us
i want quality teams from all over that are deserving to play in the championship,
not just whoever wins the goddamn sec championship
i might make a concession to lsu, because they did have a tough schedule this year,
but i refuse to believe alabama or arkansas are on par
stanford, ok state, and oregon have played just as well, if not better
[okay, maybe oregon's a stretch at this point]
even so, if we're gonna have a one loss team in the national title game,
[cuz god forbid undefeated houston play in it]
i would much rather see stanford/lsu, lsu/ok state, or even stanford/ok state
c'mon people, there are tons of great teams out there
give me a title game i'll actually want to watch,
not whatever sec team tickles your balls this week

slightly related to this topic:
the big ten
msu's holding steady in the mid–teens, which is fine with me
the only good game they've played since nebraska was iowa
[though this weekend at northwestern is a guaranteed good time]
michigan, wisconsin, penn state, and nebraska round out the top 25's B1G contingent
and ya know what, i don't give a shit about all that's gone down this month
i stand by my earlier prediction for the championship in indy
msu and penn state all the way, and msu to the rose bowl
and it will be so sweet
[also, make sure you watch big ten football this week:
michigan/ohio state, iowa/nebraska, msu/northwestern, penn state/wisconsin
tell me THAT isn't a slate worth spending a weekend on the couch for
sec, you can take arkansas/lsu and shove it
i'll take the heroes game, penn state, msu/northwestern, or the game any day

11/17/11

hypervisor

DEAR EVERYONE I GO TO SCHOOL WITH:
we live in michigan
most of you are from michigan
many more have spent a significant amount of time in michigan [e.g. me]
as such, i am utterly baffled by your anger at the weather
it is ALWAYS this cold in mid–november
it ALWAYS snows way before thanksgiving
and there's ALWAYS a few times when it snows randomly in the middle of the day
so why the FUCK are you constantly so angry about it?
you are more than powerless when it comes to the weather,
so what good is bitching gonna do?
seriously, this happens EVERY FUCKING YEAR
why is it always a fresh bout of hell every fall?
so please, at the risk of sounding like an angry and intolerant man,
shut the hell up and quit your bitching
it's michigan, this is it how it goes, get over it
christ

now that i got that out of the way,
[sweet and holy jesus, girl sitting in front of me
shut the fuck up right now
no one cares how cold you are]
today is going to be a random mashup
because why the fuck not?
i'm not gonna throw any links up today, though
because i don't really want the random spamming to continue
but, rest assured that my reporting is accurate


today i found out that there is a mountain range completely under an ice sheet
it's called the gamburtsev range [stress on the first syllable],
and it's roughly the size of the alps
they're roughly 4 kilometers below the antarctic ice sheet,
and scientists believe they are over a billion [!] years old
based on the studies they've undertaken the past seven years,
said scientists believe they were originally created from 'rodinia',
the supercontinental precursor to pangæa
[rodinia comes from the words 'rodina' (mother) and 'rodit' (to give birth)]
then, as the supercontinent changed over the millenia,
stresses and erosion cut down the mountain range's size,
which was then rejuvenated with continental separation and warming trends
as glaciers began to retreat, and the continents continued to shift,
the gamburtsevs got buried under a 2.5 mile thick layer of ice,
where it currently resides today
cool, no?
also, they've found lakes down there too
the closest one to the gamburtsevs is called 'lake vostok'
[i love how much russian is involved with these mountains]

random segue #1
direct quote from classmates regarding two kirk cousins articles in the state news:
girl: "i liked him a lot more before he got all religious and stuff"
guy: "yeah, i know, he went all tebow on us. he tebowed us!"
[for the record,
kirk cousins has been a deeply religious guy his entire time at msu
just cuz you didn't pay attention to it doesn't mean it randomly sprouted up
plus, from post game comments and conferences i've seen him in,
he's more likely to give credit for sports success to dantonio and his teammates, not god
he doesn't view msu as 'god's team' or that the football team is for proselytizing,
he just has a deep faith and is vocal about its impact on his life
and believe you me, he isn't going tebow
i haven't seen any chapters/verses written on kirk's eye black
can't say the same for ol' timmy boy]

back to sports
two years ago, msu's women's basketball team recruited a girl named madison williams
a 6'7" center from detroit county day,
she's was michigan's 2010 gatorade player of the year,
and made usa today's second–team all–america team
thus, she was a huge recruit for them to get
then, at the beginning of last season, she tore her right acl
she ended up sitting out the season and redshirting
cut to this season:
having recovered from her injury and surgery, and wearing a brace on her right knee,
she gets the starting center job
then, only three games into the season, she goes down and tears her left acl
and is again done for the season and will again need surgery
talk about a terrible bout of luck
i hope she can stay injury free next year
our team will really need her

speaking of basketball,
apparently the nba lockout continues unabated
i'll be the first to admit that i'm not following it,
and also that i don't give even a hundredth of a shit about it
i've never liked professional basketball, so i'm not missing out on anything
also, it feels like everyone involved is just trying to show up the nfl
after football's months–long lockout that had everyone on pins and needles,
i guess the nba was feeling left out and wanted to get some attention
news flash, pro basketball:
college basketball is better, and way more people watch it
believe me when i say that you won't be missed if you forgo this season
personally i'd prefer if you did, but that's just me

also, i just read an article correlating intelligence and heavy drinking
from what i've been able to glean from the actual articles
[which were surprisingly difficult to find]
cognitive function can be a latent factor in how often you drink
this finding is the result two decades–long studies, one in the uk and one in the us
they controlled for a huge number of demographic variables [even life satisfaction],
and found that intelligent children are more likely to develop a propensity to drink heavily
in the british study,
they found that 'dull' children are much less likely to develop that same propensity
children considered 'very dull' were .5 below standard deviation for frequent drinking,
while children considered very bright were .4 above s/d
and that result was found in both studies for all ages groups
seriously, an almost 1 pt difference between dumb and brilliant kids
when they came back to those same british kids decades later,
they found that differential had stayed virtually the same
the american results basically mirror that finding,
the only difference being that 'very bright' children were only about .25 above s/d
beyond all the pop–psychology bullshit nonsense this will foster,
there are some very interesting implications that can come out of these findings
i can't wait to see the follow up studies

IN OTHER NEWS:
a texan invented deep fried beer
deep. fried. beer.
apparently it's a bit of guinness in middle of a pretzel dough ball,
which is then dunked in 375º oil for about 20 seconds,
as repugnant as this sounds, i want to try it
anyone up for a texas road trip?

here's a fun fact:
in the last five days,
call of duty's latest iteration has grossed almost $800 MILLION dollars
...are you fucking kidding me?
it's a first person shooter that [to me] doesn't look that different from the other two
and not only is it the third modern warfare game,
it's the eighth call of duty game
sweet jesus, how many war fps can we possibly need?
call me a snob [or an idiot or what have you],
but need more than just some contrite, semi–futuristic plot to satisfy my needs as a gamer
i mean, come on, it's only set four years from now,
and it's set during world war III [...really? you're that unoriginal, activision?]
if you're gonna get an fps, get one that brings something unique to gamplay
like left4dead, half–life, portal, bioshock, fallout, SOMETHING ELSE
don't just settle for yet another call of duty game

i'm sure there's more i could cover,
but class is over and i'm hungry


ADDENDUM:
apparently i was wrong
theory #2 wasn't confirmed,
considering this post went through the roof too
i'm not sure what the hell is going on, but i don't like it

11/16/11

¿por qué?

okay, i'm not really sure what's going on,
but this blog has been BLOWING UP on the interwubs the past two days,
and three non–sites are the reason for all the traffic
i'm not really sure what's going on,
but i have a theory [well, two actually]:
one, i accidentally got myself listed on some ad–spamming site, or
two, some ad–spamming site is leeching off the links i've been posting

i dunno why this is happening now all of a sudden,
but i'm trying to figure that out
this post is actually serving a dual purpose
not only am i giving voice to my confusion,
but i'm also experimenting with theory #2 [note the lack of links]
¡SCIENCE!

ADDENDUM:
theory #2 is confirmed

sonkasedo

there is a tiny voice and it says "i love you"
on an old cassette tape, you know it
we're always older now and we still love each other,
but now we share our hearts with others

if i could tell you just one thing, it's that you're beautiful
and there's no need for changing,
like that old cassette playing over and over
until it finally sets in

and it doesn't really matter that much to me
cuz what you want for yourself isn't what i want for me
so it doesn't really matter that much to me
except when i think about your broken heart

11/15/11

byzantine

i realize that on halloween i promised a rundown of ceremonials
[the new florence + the machine cd]
as much as i'd love to do so,
ultimately whatever words i use wouldn't do it justice
so instead, let me say this:
give this song a good listen,
and then make up your own mind about whether to get it
if your mind is like mine,
then you'll have the download queued up before the song ends

in addition to the florence post,
i've had a few other ideas floating around in my head
i've been tempted to do another music post,
offer a take on some current events
maybe even do a post on my life at the moment
[on reflection, i realized i haven't done one of those in a while]
but i think i'm gonna revert to what i harangue about best: football

also, as much as i'm temped to do so,
i won't be doing a post about the ever–worsening situation at penn state
partially because i don't feel like i have anything to add
the indictment was barely handed down before the media exploded with the story
cut to a week [A FUCKING WEEK] later,
and the amount of damage has grown exponentially
too many people are talking about it to make anything new have an effect,
and i doubt what i have to say would go over too well
so let's you and me make a deal:
you wait until some sort of case proceeding actually begins,
and i'll do my best to give you an honest appraisal of the whole thing
agreed?


so, what is there to talk about in the realm of msu sports?
just a little bit about breaking streaks,
something about win records,
and oh yeah, a game on a FUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER
i dunno about you, but i'm a fan of all the attention
always nice when our teams get some well–deserved notoriety

as i noted first,
the game at iowa was a streak breaker for msu football
they hadn't won there since 1989, a time when i couldn't even say the word 'football'
[which, in retrospect, is a depressing thought]
iowa had been their own particular 'house of horrors' within the big ten
[note to self: post on that?]
having lost seven straight games there,
some by embarrassingly large margins [see last year]
but now, like their losing streak at ohio state, it has come to an end
now all they've got to do is keep winning there
...if only it was that easy

also, for the second consecutive year,
msu's senior class leaves as the winningest class in football
last year it they achieved 33 wins, this year with 34
[with the possibility of four more]
i don't know about the rest of you, but i think that's pretty fucking impressive
beyond the impressive task of getting a class to that plateau
dantonio did it twice, in back–to–back years
if ever there was something to prove how much he changed the team's dynamic,
it would be this
regardless of what some will say about msu,
you can't deny that he's turned a perennial underachiever into a winner
they aren't elite, and they aren't national championship contenders
but they are upper echelon, and they are conference contenders
and that's good enough for me, for now

as a non–football aside,
if any of you didn't get to see the carrier classic game on veterans day,
man did you miss a good one
i'm really glad it lived up to its billing
yeah, they did lose, but that's how it goes when you play the #1 team
even so, they really played the shit out of that game
all in camo–patterned uniforms
even non–college basketball fans i know thought it was awesome
i'm just glad we got to be a part of it
that being said, i also hope they don't make this a thing
let it be an awesome one–time deal
just like the basketbowl, and just like the cold war
don't try to cheapen it by making it a yearly event [like everything fucking else]
just let it live on in its own right

another thing has happened lately that has been kind of surprising:
i've started rooting for michigan again
[not against msu, of course, i know where my loyalties lie]
it's not that i wasn't expecting to ever again,
it's that i wasn't expecting to do so so soon
and there's a perfectly legitimate reason to do so:
michigan playing well reflects better on msu
period

when it comes to sports, teams thrive on rivalries
it's impossible to find a sport that doesn't have them
everything from rugby to cricket [which i'm convinced isn't actually a thing] and beyond
it's what makes some teams get through the season
everything in texas is a warmup to the oklahoma game
in pittsburgh, the focus is always on west virginia,
and nothing boils the blood in washington quite like playing oregon
but beyond the inherent competitive and endorphine rush,
the competition makes the teams better all–around
consider the following:
michigan is the winningest football program in division I [both wins and win %]
ohio state is #6 in total wins and #3 in overall win %
the fact that both teams are so good is what makes the rivalry intense and watchable
would the same be true if both teams were god awful?
forget the fact that they've played each other over 100 times
would we care at all if these teams were perennial bottom feeders?
no, we wouldn't, and rightly so
the same holds true with the paul bunyan trophy

the problem for msu is relatively straightforward:
historically, they just weren't as good as michigan
[let the flaming commence]
they had an incredible period of dominance in the 1950s and '60s,
and saw a pretty decent resurgence in the late '80s and late '90s,
but the in between periods tend to languish in mediocrity,
while over the same periods michigan was consistently good
while msu did win during their down periods [like 1978 and 1990],
michigan had much more recurring success
then came the divergent year of 2007

in 2007, both teams hired new coaches
msu fired a terrible coach before the end of the season,
michigan replaced an incredibly successful coach ready to retire
and man they could not have had more difference in their impacts
mark dantonio has enjoyed success not seen since george perles in the '90s
and rich rodriguez had the most stunningly disastrous career of any michigan coach
that utter lack of success was exactly the void msu needed to further its success
if michigan hadn't floundered, i don't think msu would be as successful as it is
it offered msu better opportunities for recruiting, for serious competition,
and most of all for signature wins
[whether michigan is down and out or not,
winning in ann arbor is always a signature win]

the problem with those wins is that many see them as conditional
eloquently summed up as:
"harglblargh you guyz aren't that great pssht you suck
michigan gon' kick yer ass when they get better just you wait littel brother!!!1!1!1!!!!111
blarghlharghCOCKS"
[note: i may or may not have exagerrated that statement slightly]
and despite who usually spouts that particular wisdom,
[namely people i don't like and/or i think are stupid]
there is some truth to it
msu absolutely took advantage of michigan being the indiana kind of terrible
[seriously, michigan, the cleveland browns were better than you
it took until 2010 for you to win more games in a season than them]
but that's also to msu's credit
it would've been very much in character for msu to continue missing opportunities,
but they stepped up and actually positioned themselves to be the best team in the state
and they've done so for the past three years to great success,
culminating in last year's big ten championship
and now it's time for them to take the next step
and for them to do that, michigan needs to step up as well

with brady hoke at the helm,
michigan is finally in a position to be good again someda
[they aren't there yet, what with it being his first year and all]
and i hope that day comes sooner rather than later
i've been yearning for real, equal competition in this rivalry for a while
and i can't wait until both teams start coming into the game ranked every year
both have the past two years [overrated michigan squads aside],
and it absolutely needs to continue
that's the only real way msu erases all doubts about its legitimacy
[cuz sadly, beating notre dame is no longer good enough to do that]
and yes, playing a good michigan will invariably include us losing
but i would gladly lose to a good michigan squad if they play competitively
[and, of course, we win plenty of other games to offset the loss]
i want this interstate rivalry to smack of the iron bowl and the civil war,
not the bedlam series or notre dame–navy

so, michigan, this is your official call–to–arms
get your shit together [which you've been doing decently at thusfar],
put more quality games in your win column,
and bring it the fuck on
give us heartbreaking losses and empowering wins,
and remember that you're michigan, not the richrod academy of football shame
and give msu a team to be proud of beating [or losing to]
for all of our sakes

11/8/11

collation

after spending the better part of a month and a half doing regular posts,
not putting anything up for a week feels really odd,
though i suppose it was inevitable
i just wasn't meant for long–term regular posting,
as evidenced by my relatively low numbers from the past four years
at any rate, here i be, ready to placate what audience i have

i had a couple different ideas about what to write for today,
but after a number of different things struck my irritation,
[including but not limited to: my inability to fucking type]
i decided that today is 'open letter day'
so please, read my ramblings
but if any of you are people this is applicable to,
i'm going to biotic kick you in the teeth

with that in mind,
let's start this off the right way:
dear bioware and creators of mass effect:
stop making such addicting games
i'm already facing the prospect of not being able to play mass effect 3
if i find out that it puts the previous to games to shame,
garrus–envy–rage boner is going to rage fuck you TO. DEATH.
so please, keep doin' what chu doin'
but for the sake of my sanity, don't keep talking about it,
kthnxbai

dear people everywhere:
if we're in a narrow stairway and you people are walking two–abreast,
it means i can't fucking get around you
thus, when i glare at you for being in my way,
don't get pissy, just move out and let me by
it's pretty simple, especially with that 'keep to the right' mantra
in fact, you should be doing it all the time
if for some reason that strikes you as bizarre and alien,
i refer you to the following training video: sidewalking, by michael jordan
[the cool one, not the basketball player]
the beginning is especially succinct at getting my point across
kthnxbai fuck you

dear american citizens,
today is election day,
that means it's time to enact one of those constitutional liberties
as much as i believe in doing some measurable amount of civic duty,
just remember this little tidbit:
if you vote for something/someone, and it turns out to be shit
that burden is on YOU
and you don't get to bitch about it, because you facilitated its existence
so please, make good decisions today in the voting booth
cuz god knows no one else is gonna
kthnxbai

speaking of voting,
dear citizens of ohio:
please make sure you repeal sb5 by voting 'no' on issue 2
under most prevailing circumstances i would keep my politics to myself
but come on
i don't really care what your opinion of unions and organized labor is,
any time you restrict workers ability to voice themselves is a serious transgression
if you aren't allowed to strike and aren't allowed to bargain collectively in good faith,
you lose the ability to speak out if your employer is transgressing you
again, regardless of your opinions on labor, that's what those are meant to do
allow you to speak out against things you believe to unfair at work
and doing this to public employees is a SERIOUS limitation of rights
if the government is your employer, and you aren't allowed to protest its treatment of you,
it gives off a vibe that's dangerously close to limiting freedom of speech
and if that wasn't enough,
certain public employees are being pinged to contribute more to their health benefits,
namely public employees that are currrently unionized:
police/fire/emergency, health care workers, teachers, municipal employees, &c
again, regardless of your opinion on organized labor,
i think we can all agree that those are people who often fall are subject to:
understaffing/overworking, being underpaid, and having sometimes hazardous work conditions
i don't know about the rest of you,
but if ANYONE on this earth shouldn't have to pay for health care benefits [at all],
it would be people like that
if you save people from fires, take down criminals, administer health care,
teach/deal with kids, and keep our government running day–to–day,
your employer [said government] should at the very least pay for your healthcare
so, long rant short, you many want to repeal this law
[unless of course all that strikes you as hunky–dory,
in which case don't, but again, i don't want to hear about it if you don't like it]
kthnxbai

[also, for disclosure purposes,
i linked to that site because the bill only comes in pdf form
you can download it from the ohio legislature's website if you so desire]

now that i got that off my chest,
let's get back to it, shall we?

dear professors who lecture quietly:
if i can't hear you, i can't learn
simple as that
and if i can't hear you, and i ask for you to speak louder,
i don't appreciate snide responses and looks
it's your goddamn job to be audible so i can figure out what the hell you're talking about
especially if it's something i know nothing about
so please, do me a goddamn favor and project,
don't make me give you a lesson in diaphragmatic control
kthnxbai

[ADDENDUM:
dear professors who make interesting things boring:
i will slay you if you do it again
kthnxbai]

dear sports media:
i hate to interrupt whatever sec deep–throating you're doing at the moment,
but i gotta tell ya, the lsu–alabama game hardly lived up to the hype
yes, it was an incredible defensive display
but it was offensively woeful
seriously, neither team got more than 300 total offensive yards?
they combined for 8/24 3rd down conversions?
they both threw two interceptions?
alabama was 2/6 on field goal attempts [are you fucking kidding me]?
lsu's two quarterbacks were 9/17 for 91 yards?
call me a snob but that sounds like a mediocre–encroaching–on–bad game
so much for a titanic duel of the nation's two best teams
i dunno about the rest of you, but this game fails to live up to the 1 v. 2 standard
i'd rather see the 2006 michigan–ohio state game again
the 1996 florida–florida state game
the 1971 nebraska–oklahoma game
the 1945 army–navy game
or the 1966 michigan state–notre dame game
basically, ANY OTHER 1/2 MATCHUP EVER
so shut the hell up about it already
kthnxbai

back to a serious note,
dear penn state alumni/fans [myself included]:
i understand that this has been the week from hell for you,
and i am in no way diminishing the severity of what's been alleged,
but you've got to take a breath and step back
there's no way to say to say this diplomatically, so here goes:
don't take your anger out on the wrong people, namely joe paterno
yes he has given you plenty of reasons to hold him to a higher standard,
namely decades of the most successful student–athletes in the ncaa,
but you also have to consider his relationship with the accused
this was a man he's known for almost 40 years,
someone he trusted with the care and training of his football team
and someone who apparently has some rather disturbing sexual predilictions
which are now suddenly being paraded for public outrage
do more than put yourself in his position for a minute
what if this scenario happened to you?
what if someone you trusted dearly and were decades–long friends with did this?
despite all your revulsion and shock and anger and sadness,
could you throw them out on their ass like our penal system requires?
i don't blame him for not wanting to make that decision himself
i don't know that i could do that were i in his situation
i'm not absolving him of his culpability, because he is culpable
but that is not for me or you to decide
if it's ultimately found that paterno was involved in the coverup,
and/or that he was responsible for shielding the guy to some extent,
then paterno will step down, whether he wants to or not
because it will be required of him
but you've got to let the process play itself out
because that's what it's there for
it will be hard, and you will probly endure lots of disgust and shame before it's done
but you cannot indict him before/in lieu of the courts
so please, for your own sake as well as my own,
be penn state proud, and let this process proceed to its inevitable conclusion
we will all be the better for it
kthnxbai

11/1/11

horst

[today's post is brought to you by: awkwardrealizations.com™]
i found out walking to class that my mustache is longer than i thought
parts of it can actually touch my chin without being pulled
now that i no longer have to grow my beard out to be opie
it's time to kick off no–shave november right:
with a goddamn trim

for the record, i don't participate in no–shave november
partially because i haven't shaved since 2006
so fuck all of you and your worthless 'months'
if you were real men you'd just grow a beard and be done with it,
and not do it under some idiot pretense
especially since your equating yourselves with people who shouldn't grow facial hair
namely guys who have splotchy stubble, guys with porn staches,
and this bag of douche
so just remember ladies and gentlemen
those worthy of beard shall be endowed with its grace
and those who are not shall be resigned to shaving forevermore
and NEVER THE TWAIN SHALL MEET, MOTHERFUCKERS
so for fuck's sake, enough with no–shave november

moving right along,
if i ever, EVER find out who designed earbuds to be like this
i'm going to retroactively stab them in the eardrum
how in the name of auditory happyness is it supposed to stay in my ear?
seriously, seriously, what's the trick?
i got a pair of earbuds with that design about a month ago
apparently ignorant of my upcoming strife
and have been battling with them every since
i've tried all three different silicone attachments,
but they all just fall out of my ear after about five second of half–assed attempts
i refuse to accept their halfassery,
but i know not how to rectify this situation
does anyone have some sort of epiphanic solution?
or is this the fate i've been consigned to?
because i fucking REFUSE to be bested by a piece of plastic shit
you won this round skullcandy, but you shan't win the war

[here's a question for those of you who've read my writing for a long time:
is my writing style really confusing?
after reading that last paragraph, i'm inclined to think it is
i'll use increasingly abstruse words like epiphanic and shan't (and abstruse)
with increasingly awkward syntactical structure
and then just start swearing for a while before i move on
believe me when i say it's an accurate representation of the way i normally speak,
but i feel like it loses its subtle beauty when i put it in type
any comments from the blogasaurs would be welcome
(apparently that's a thing now)]

in other news,
espn has spent the ENTIRE. FUCKING. DAY. covering lsu's football team
the entire. fucking. day.
as in, 24 hours of highlighting a singular football team
and boy have they been thorough:
they've dedicated time to lsu's dual–qb system [one they lambasted],
their ability to overcome their myriad off–the–field issues,
[and, btudbs, their myriad off–the–field issues]
an appraisal of the entire lsu tigers program
and even les miles's ridiculous habit of chewing on grass
beyond the obvious unfairness to alabama preceding their matchup,
is this really fucking warranted?
i understand that every sports media personality gives lip service sec teams,
[and by that i mean they suck sec cock so deep it wears their appendices as hats]
but this is going WAY overboard
this isn't even the end of their goddamn season
it's only week fucking 9 for them
apparently they've already decided that lsu's our national champ
at least they saved us the stress of having to watch them play
how thoughtful of them
hey espn, can you do something for me?
exhale that long stripy tiger cock from your esophagus,
and report on actual sports news, would ya please?
i know this is your normal m/o,
but i appreciate it when you at least give it a slight veil of legitimacy
sincerely,
EVERY NON–LSU FAN EVER

speaking of espn,
this was a story they had on their front page around noon
i enjoyed the story less than i enjoyed the top comment:
"bad comparison. the mafia has more consistency in carrying out its discipline."
sad, harsh, and very true

as a parting wish,
i want all of you to go get a copy of the new florence + the machine cd RIGHT NOW
it's fantastic and something you won't regret in the slightest
in fact, it's so very much something you won't regret,
i'm gonna spend my entire next post telling you why you won't
so there
...
well? go fucking do it
I SEE YOU SITTING THERE NOT DOING IT

10/31/11

chamkar leu

[this first paragraph is brought to you by shamelessselfpromotion.com™]
this month holds two notable events for zis blog:
—this particular post is number 300, making it officially the longest blog i've kept
—i got 1000 pageviews in one month [way to go, october]
i'd say i feel like i've broken into the bigtime, but i know i haven't
i probly just got more visitors due to the INSANE amount of links i posted
so worry not blogasaurs,
my humility and modesty is intact

[after writing that,
i'm REALLY tempted to call you readers blogasaurs
but i shall resist, because i need not label you
however, if ever there is a reference to 'blogasaurs' in the future
you'll know what i'm refering to]


i realize that most of my recent posts have been ranty and opinionated
and while it's not an inaccurate description of me in my normal state,
i need to break it up some in order to keep it from getting old hat
so not ranty opinions today, folks
just a long and unabbreviated status update

i've hit crunch time with my thesis,
in that i have just about one calendar month to get it done
i'm not stressing about it [not yet, at least]
but i am kind of excited for it
i'm interested to see how i put all these ideas together on paper
and what kind of argument i'll actually be making
[i know the basics, for the record,
but i dunno how their gonna manifest into an overall milieu]
i got a hold of a few more interesting books and documents
so hopefully they'll prove useful instead of a time waster
but it's at the point where i need to spend more time writing
which is gonna be a fun roller coaster of productivity and procrastination
[like my normal writing process,
only with more at stake]
let's see how the month shakes out, shall we?

in other news,
carter roommate brought up a great point last night:
how am i gonna get my mass effect 3 fix come march?
seeing as how i am sans xbox 360, tv, and likely me3
dear god do i hope i have some sort of job come january
cuz damn, i dunno how i'm gonna make it without
especially since MAX PAYNE FUCKING 3 comes out in march too
it's gonna be tough going if i don't have access to it
[this is where i'd put in an obnoxious hashtag reference]

also?
there was a disheartening lack of costumes on campus today
i dunno why, especially since past halloweens have had plenty of costumes
but this year there was a notable lack
maybe it was because halloween was on a monday this year
but seryusly, WAY TO FAIL MSU STUDENTS
i felt like such a standout with my opie cut on
[approximation of what i look like here and here]
especially sitting in the law library all afternoon
but you know what?
it's fucking halloween, and i'll do as i damn well please