12/1/11

battle assembly

this past month was INSANE with pageviews this month
like i said before, it was mostly spam sites that somehow started linking to me,
so there was an abnormally large spike in traffic
i'm just gonna pretend that i'm famous now and people value my opinion now
so good to you guys?

we start with an aside because i couldn't believe this when i saw it
for those of you who don't know him,
jeremy clarkson is the host of top gear,
by far the most popular car show on the planet
he also happens to be a complete too (or, as the brits might say, a horse's arse)
now, i have no idea what in fuck's name he was originally talking about,
but somehow an aside got started about unionized public sector workers,
and how some are currently striking over changes to their pensions,
and this was his response to that topic:
"frankly, i'd have them all shot.
i would take them out and execute them in front of their families.
i mean how dare they go on strike,
when they've got these gilt–edged pensions that are guaranteed,
when the rest of us have to work for a living."
now, truthfully, i could care less what he thinks about public unions and union workers,
but that's not something you say on fucking tv
i don't care if he's known for making satirical or controversial statements
that's not something you joke about
his joke about less traffic at the airport? no problem there (though kinda unoriginal)
joking about killing them all? decidedly not so
i don't think he should be fired [because of that whole free speech thing], but seriously,
what the hell, jeremy clarkson? how stupid can you be on live tv?
do us a favor and just shut the hell up

[oh, and for the record,
i love how he insinuates that he's a regular working stiff
the man makes hundreds of thousands of pounds a year hosting a tv show
hardly the kind of work that justifies having a pension, eh?
no wonder he said that stuff – he's jealous he doesn't get retirement]


now we get to the part i actually intended to blogablog about
[another aside: i love the word 'blog' an almost unhealthy amount
seriously, let it loll about on your tongue for a while
it's almost as much to say as 'lesbian']
i first planned to write this post about a month and a half ago,
but then other things happened that took up my time
[like other blog topics]
at any rate, let's get to it now

one of the reasons i enjoy big ten football is that it's spoiler–tastic
there's at least one beautiful, impossible probably EVERY. YEAR.
usually more than one [lookin' at you, northwestern]
but what's even more exciting than that is playing the one spot you can never win at
there's at least one stadium each team can just NEVER win at,
especially when it's a place they should be able to no problem
it's kind of a hackneyed term nowadays [especially since it's after halloween],
but every team has their own personal 'house of horrors'
so let's take a jaunt through the big ten,
and relish in the frustration these places inevitably bring
i'll start with msu, because it's a convenient [and biased] place to start

msu: at iowa
if ever there was a stadium that had msu's number,
it would be kinnick stadium in iowa city
good as iowa's team is, kinnick isn't exactly the most imposing place to play
especially considering iowa hasn't historically been better than msu
[though in my lifetime they've been equal to better than da spartans]
for whatever reason, though, msu just cannot win there
this year's win was the first for msu at iowa since 1989
i was five months old the last time msu had won there
and the sad part is, most of those games weren't even close
most of them ended win scores closer to last year's blowout in week 9
ultimately though, i'm okay with iowa being our only real problem
[i don't consider our problem to be penn state,
because our losses to iowa are usually inexplicable
losses to penn state at beaver stadium are expected by everyone]
especially considering iowa's problem...

iowa: at northwestern
you wanna talk about inexplicable?
how about the fact that kirk ferentz has only won in evanston twice in seven tries?
iowa has completely owned the series between them and northwestern
thanks in part to 21 straight victories from '74 to '94
but man, ever since northwestern won the rose bowl in '95,
iowa's been faceplanting at northwestern like it's their JOB
it can partially be attributed to the fact that northwestern is a spoiler EXPERT
[they pull off at least one amazing spoiler each and every year, case in point:
nebraska '11, iowa '10, wisconsin '09, minnesota '08, msu '07, you get the point]
but even that doesn't explain how the hawkeyes manage to consistently fall flat
must just be one of those things,
kinda like...

northwestern: at indiana
...seriously? indiana?
the indiana that last had a coach with a winning record in 1947?
the indiana that doesn't have a winning record in any of its rivalries?
yup, that indiana
consider: northwestern has lost to indiana only thrice since 1993
where have all three of those losses come? at indiana, naturally
in fact, in my lifetime, northwestern is 5 for 10 in bloomington
to which i say... how is that possible?
seriously. SERIOUSLY. it's fucking indiana
i mean, great job hoosiers, but seriously, how did you manage that?
then again, indiana doesn't really have room to boast
especially when you bring up...

indiana: at minnesota
sweet and holy jesus is this a funny series
there's nothing like the two perennially terrible teams duking it out
even though there's a couple multi–year gaps in this set of games,
indiana hasn't won at minnesota since 1993,
and they're a pitiful 2 for 6 in minneapolis
again, it's not like the humphrey dome was the most intimidating environment
i don't know that i have any more words to dedicate to this one
it feels like picking on little kids
speaking of being picked on...

minnesota: at purdue
[i was tempted to make this one at wisconsin instead,
but i'm trying to keep this to schools these teams should be able to beat, but can't]
minnesota and purdue are roughly equal as far as football has been concerned,
but man, if there's one place minnesota can never get traction, its at purdue
sure, the gophers have lost at the big house a shit ton [like everyone else]
and have had recent issues at camp randall,
but c'mon, they should at least able to make something happen in west lafayette
but no
instead, they've gone a spectacularly horrendous 2 for 10 playing at purdue
i know minnesota's had it issues recently, but so has purdue
you'd think there'd be more equity in their respective mediocrity
but then you'd be wrong, you wrong person, you
besides, purdue has to have stumbled somewhere along the line too, yeah?
yes indeed, and it just happens to be...

purdue: at iowa
yeah, we're not the only ones that faceplant at kinnick
but unlike us, purdue has been playing iowa for twice as long
and thus has the funnier fail streak
the last time purdue won at iowa was '92, and the time before that was '79
which makes them 2 for the past 13 at kinnick
man do those iowans love their streaks or what?
again, no words, just... damn, that's sad
so much for being the 'spoilermakers', huh?
actually, yes, because...

ohio state: at purdue
i'm pretty sure every big ten fan relishes this particular gem
ohio state has lost 4 times at purdue in the past decade,
whereas their second highest loss total is at wisconsin, where they've lost twice
no one seems to know the logic behind this one
this year ohio state was down, but still should've probly won
in 2009 they were fucking undefeated at ranked #7
in 2004 they just didn't show up to play,
and in 2000 they were 5–1 and ranked #12
there's no logical way purdue manages to beat them,
and yet, there it is for all to see
talk about embarrassing,
which just happens to lead me to...

penn state: at ohio state
this one is REALLY the one that really boggles the mind
penn state, the most successful big ten school of the past 50 years,
champions of the mid–atlantic, heaviest of the heavy hitters,
and they've won OHIO in columbus in my lifetime, out of nine tries
what the fuckin' fuck?
how could the buckeyes have that ridiculous of a streak against penn state?
how is that even possible? i just... there has to be... i mean—GODDAMN IT
this one makes so little sense it hurts my head
christ on a bike, penn state, this is just pathetic
though there are more pathetic things out there, e.g....

illinois at: illinois
if any team has a confusion–inducing home–loss tendency, it would the illini
i dunno how they do it, i really don't
while they've had problems with big ten road games [like most teams],
they've only won nine b1g home games since 2006
NINE
in that same time span, here's how other teams have fared at home against b1g teams:
msu 16, wisconsin 21, michigan 14, indiana 7, ohio state 20 [16 after vacated wins]
i can't believe illinois only got two more wins than indiana in that stretch
oh, and it goes back a lot farther, believe you me
i just don't want to have to count back that far
at any rate, no one beats illinois quite like it beats itself at home

wisconsin: michigan state
as an msu fan, i love this so hard it hurts
not only has wisconsin lost four straight games in east lansing,
they've only won 3 games in east lansing in the past 20 years,
making them a wonderfully paltry 3 out of 10,
and only slightly better than minnesota when it plays purdue
not only does wisconsin have that unfortunate 4 game losing streak,
three of those games have been lost in the final three minutes of the game
2011 it was the td pass in the last four seconds,
2010 it was the td pass 40 seconds before the two minute warning,
2008 it was the last second field goal,
[and 2004 was a 35 blowout]
talk up the badgers all you want before the championship this saturday,
but we all know what happens when the badgers come to town

michigan: ohio state
i didn't really have much of a choice to make with this one
even though michigan has a couple active losing streaks at various b1g stadiums,
none sticks out quite like the one in columbus
regardless of the 7 game losing streak michigan just snapped,
they've had some serious woes at ohio state over the course of my life
how woeful? something to the tune of being 3 for 11 since 1989
yeah, you didn't read that wrong, 3 of 11
i understand that michigan/ohio state is the best and most competitive rivalry out there,
[yeah, every single other yearly rivalry can SUCK. IT.]
but even so, that's quite lopsided
i understand that a rivalry this intense will go back and forth,
but i would've expected better from the winningest program ever
i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'

also, i'm not doing one for nebraska
mostly because i don't want to
SO THERE

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