splątanie

i think i've developed a trend

to date, i've killed three animals with my dad's car since '05

all three of them have been cats

the most recent one was a couple days ago

perhaps its a sign

or maybe it means cats should watch out for me

cuz i brake for nothing, even kitties

someday soon i'll post a link to my russia photos

maybe, if i sort through all of them

and find somewhere to put them

and if anyone here actually wants to see them

i love finding things i like by accident

whether something just catches my eye

or i pick something up by chance

i've done that with music and video games lately

and it's yielded good results

my uncle ed's coming to stay with us for a few days

haven't seen him in a couple years,

so i'm looking forward to it

though i wish it could be under better circumstances

maybe it will turn out ok, maybe it won't

i'm sure you'll be hearing about it either way

in the next few days, i'd imagine

mauser

i have to say, i appreciate the 'rain' that we're getting

it's a shit ton better than humid 95º days

i'm probly the only person here right now who thinks that

and i can live with that

the possibility is high that i'll have an unproductive summer

i've already settled into my routine from last year

though if i end up doing the same things,

it won't bother me nearly as much,

since i actually accomplished something this year

it is possible i'll get something done these summer months

i'm supposed to help make a russian club website

so we'll see how that goes

i ended up buying a bookcase on saturday

the book stack on my nightstand was getting unstable

and i was tired of having half those books still in the boxes

[the boxes i brought them back from the store in]

so i unpacked all of them, and put them on this shelf

the case i bought was three-tiered

and was filled up long before i ran out of books

which means sometime in the future, i'll need another

especially after this saturday comes to pass

it appears i have a new favorite fps

we'll see how long it lasts

it's a good game, so it might hold that title for a while

it also appears i've been on an alanis morissette kick lately

i never knew 'supposed former infatuation junkie' was so good

i've almost like it better than 'jagged little pill', but not quite

guess it's a time of revelation for me

Россия

v-rossii.blogspot.com

that's where i'll be chronicling my time in russia

feel free to follow along

should be a blast [or not, i have no idea]

kernel panic

i never realized there was a mac version of the blue screen of death

i know that there is now, because i experienced it

and it wasn't something i enjoyed

basically, upon trying to restart my computer

my laptop said the drivers were missing to start os x

there's a whole litany of technical things to follow

but basically,

file permissions and ownership got screwed up

and my system file no longer possessed the system folder

which means? no working operating system

after trying to repair it in disk utility

then doing an archive install

i wiped my hard drive and started afresh

but, i was able to save virtually all my files

'virtually all' because i forgot a couple of them

like my sticky notes, my adium chat logs, things like that

also, because i needed to be punished for screwing up

my itunes library didn't save right

on the plus side of all this, 

i have 29 gigs of free space now, instead of five

my computer is running faster than it was before

and any inconsequential, memory–hogging files are long gone

the downside is that i had to do this in the first place

but i accept the blame for it, because it was my fucking fault

as such

i'm not counting this as a crash

because it wasn't unwarranted, and it wasn't a third party app that did it

regardless of all that

in almost six years, this was the first problem i've had with the software

anyone else who can say that about their computer,

please, make yourselves known to me

because i don't believe anyone else has had that experience

i'm just that awesome, i guess

lojalność

i need to stop compulsively downloading music

i'm running out space to put it

that and, most of the time,

it turns out to be shit i don't like

so it's probly better if i scale back on that

i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine

it wasn't really enlightening, it was just...

well, realistic, for lack of a better word

it was about friendship, and the ones i have

i really started to realize that i'm taking the wrong tack on it

i've been making a lot of new friends at msu

most of whom are passing acquaintances at best

i have about 250 msu people on facebook

and i really only know about twenty of them

what bothers me is that i've been doing it a lot

so much so that my old friendships have been waning

that's not to say i didn't expect that

i've told a lot of people to enjoy friendship in the now

because it won't last two years after this

but i've had quite a few that have endured

people who have stuck by me through a lot

for no other reason than because they really liked me

and i've been brushing that aside, like it doesn't matter

well, it does, it really does

basically, i've been substituting people for each other

making friends here who remind me of my old friends

which is completely stupid; there's no reason for it

i've basically been punishing my friends by ignoring them

and that's a real jackass move on my part

like most of mine are

i need to start scaling back on the new people

most of the 'friendships' i've had in the past two years have lacked substance

pretty much all of them are acquaintances of convenience

like a lot of people turn out to be, at least in my case

substituting them for people i actually know and like is stupid

that's not to say i'll drop all friendships i've made here

but most of them i will

most of them aren't worth my time, or their's

and i don't feel like wasting that time

long and boring, i know

but i needed to say it

and there it is

нарицаљка

when i am laid, am laid in earth

may my wrongs create

no trouble, no trouble in, thy breast

remember me, remember me, but ah

forget my fate

gözler

where has that old friend gone

lost in a february song

tell him it won't be long

'til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

where is that simple day

before the colors broke into shades

and how did i ever fade

into this life, into this life

morning is waking up 

sometimes it's more than just enough

and all that you need to love

is in front of your eyes

it's in front of your eyes

sometimes it's hard to find my ground

cuz i keep on falling as i try 

to get away from this crazy world

and i never want to let you down

forgive me if i slip away

when all that i've know is lost and found

i promise you, i'll come back to you

one day...

where has that old friend gone

lost in a february song

tell him it won't be long

till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

kanādos

i feel nothing i say could sum up my emotional state

i think i've cycled through most of my normal emotions today

all compressed into about six hours

all except sadness, haven't had that one at all

the reason behind that eludes me

i've been hitting the same couple since about lunchtime

anger, resignation, confusion, disillusionment, depravity, 

determination, and an odd optimism

i don't know why, i really don't

and i wish i could explain it, but i can't

oh well

after running out of adjectives to dance around the subject

i feel there's only one way to describe 'oppenheimer':

unmotivated

no one has the drive to do well

no one wants to stand out as an actor

they all seemed to just stop caring about a week ago

which is fine, it happens to the best actors

which they, as a group, obviously aren't

i just wish i could've known they'd be like that sooner

i don't want to have to sit through more of this mediocre crap

i have better things to waste my time with

a subject has resurfaced that i don't particularly care for

people have started commenting about 'if i was straight...' again

i've gotten it at least five times this month

'you know, if you were straight, you'd get so much action'

'man, if you were straight, she'd totally be all over you in a second'

what possibly makes people think that's true?

i am, after all, a bisexual, and people know that

if i wanted to bang someone, i/we would

it's as simple as that

the plain truth is that i just don't want to, i seriously don't

i do flirt with a lot of people; it just seems to [somehow] be my nature

but i rarely feel like going beyond it

i could have a ridiculous amount of sex, but i don't

i just choose not to

and, for the record, people

i don't lead people on to no end, only to disappoint in the end

anyone who's around me a decent amount of time should get that

if i wanted to fuck someone, i make it plainly obvious

such as 'hey, i really want to have sex with you; you want to?'

and if i don't do that, then i don't want to fuck that person

it's a very unambiguous system, and it works

so please, before telling me something like that [yet again]

please, just stop, think, and then let the desire pass

because i'm tired of hearing about it

kreisau

lær meg å kjenne dine viei

og gå dem trøstig skritt for skritt

jeg vet at hva jeg fikk i eie

er borget godt gods og alt er ditt

men vil din sterke hånd meg lede

jeg aldri feil på målet ser

og for hvert håp som dør here nede

får jeg et håp i himlen mer

storstad

in accordance with today's dinosaur comic

i've decided to adopt a new [slightly altered] mantra

instead of 'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with beef'

i will now use

'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with slurpee'

it fits, what can i say

my sleep cycle's been odd this week

i've been getting my normal amount in halves

like, i'll get half during the night

then take a nap and get the other half

or i'll take one or two naps during the day

i don't really mind, so long as productivity doesn't suffer

i have so much shit to do for 373

i only have 20 days left

also, somehow, in the next two weeks

i'm supposed to get through three more novels

i knew this month would blow

împărăţia

eg veit i himmerik ei borg

ho skin som soli klåre

der er kje synder eller sorg

der er kje gråd og tåre

der inne bur guds eigen son

i herlegdom og æra

han er min trøyst og trygge von

hjå honom eg skal vera

men visst eg veit ein morgon renn

då dødens natt skal enda

min lekam opp or gravi stend

og evig fryd får kjenna

me takker deg til evig tid

gud fader alle saman

for du er oss så mild og blig

i jesus kristus amen

ihmisyyttä

not really sure why i've been writing in here so much lately

must be because i can't write anything else

or maybe i just have nothing else to do

i have the most bizarre relationship with opera

i can't listen to any all the way through, i just can't

though, when i discover an aria of sorts i like

i make myself listen to the whole thing

just so i can get a feel for it

and i hate doing that, but i always do

that, and, searching for someone good to sing is ridiculous

i really don't like the operatic voice

it's too unrefined

too reliant on vibrato, and never given color or support

so i have to search long and hard to find someone i like

it's been happening more lately, not really sure why

i've officially lost track of all sense of time

i can't keep days, weeks, or even months straight

this is the fifth day in a row i've seen 5 am

and i there's no reason for it, any of it

i'm just not keeping myself together anymore

this doesn't bode well for the coming month

fuck

în această săptămână

what kind of week it has been:

4 shootings here in the u.s.:

–carthage, nc; 8 dead after robert stewart stormed a nursing home

–binghampton, ny; 14 dead when jiverly voong sieged an immigration center

–pittsburgh, pa; 3 policemen killed by richard poplawski after placing a fake 911 call

–graham, wa; 6 dead when james harrison killed his five children and himself, after his wife threatened to leave him

2 earthquakes:

–4.3 magnitude struck san francisco

–6.3 magnitude struck l'aquila [near rome] in italy

a couple other disasters:

–a siege of the lahore police academy leaves 8 insurgents, 5 police, 2 teachers, and a civilian dead

–boats smuggling people across the mediterranean capsize off libya, killing over 300

–flash floods in southern australia trap over 2700 people

–a helicopter crash off the coast of scotland kills 16 

–at least 20 are dead following a gold mine collapse in tanzania

while...

–the g20 met in london

–nato held it's annual summit in strasbourg and kehl

–a mother in uniontown, pa drugged her daughter, so her boyfriend could get her pregnant

–north korea launches its kwangmyŏngsŏng–2 rocket successfully

–mt. redoubt in southern alaska begins to erupt

i'm not sure about the rest of you

but that warrants being called a pretty fucked up week

makes me wonder what the rest of the month's gonna be like

bring it on april, give it your best shot

i want to see what king of shit you'll pull this year, you fuck

nástroj

i know the pieces fit

cuz i watched them fall away

mildewed and smoldering

fundamental differing

pure intention juxtaposed

will set two lovers' souls in motion

disintegrating as it goes

testing our communication

the light that fueled our fire then

has burned a hole between us so

we cannot see to reach an end

crippling our communication

i know the pieces fit

cuz i watched them tumble down

no fault, none to blame

it doesn't mean i don't desire

to point the finger, blame the other

watch the temple topple over

to bring the pieces back together

rediscover communication

the poetry that comes 

from the squaring off between

and the circling is worth it

finding beauty in the dissonance

there was a time that the pieces fit

but i watched them fall away

mildewed and smoldering

strangled by our coveting

i've done the math enough to know

the dangers of our second guessing

doomed to crumble unless we grow

and strengthen our communication

cold silence has a tendency to 

atrophy any sense of compassion

between supposed brothers

between supposed lovers

i know the pieces fit

nëna shqipëri

my eyes are excruciatingly bloodshot

i understand why the left one is, since i got something in it

but i dunno why the right one's red

it's just irritating

the list for this weekend keeps getting longer

more shit i need to take care of 

doesn't help that i'm now having scheduling problems

i'm probly gonna come back monday having accomplished none of it

which would screw me over horribly

i guarantee

if i went to bed right now

i probly wouldn't fall asleep for another hour

such fucking bullshit

i need to sleep

but, no, too much homework

and too much reading and writing

i think my profs are beginning to dislike me

i know zarema does, and i know dr thomas does a little bit

but i feel like my other ones might be as well

and i don't really know why

i'm trying my hardest

i don't really know what else there is i can do

and now, a rhetorical question

one i have yet to answer satisfactorily:

at what point does an unconscious desire become a conscious action?

the gray area in between is where i spend most of my time

yet i can never tell when one become the other