jacobs cavern

maybe someday i'll update this thing regularly again

but, i highly doubt it'll be anytime soon

my ability to remember to update this has gotten horrible

it's like ronald reagan trying to beat alzheimer's:

i'd love to, but i just can't... wait, what?

[i have no idea where to start with this

so i'm going to fill until i think of something...]

classes are starting to pick up, i suppose that's something

november's gonna be my month for cranking out papers

and photo projects, and apparently interviews

at least it won't be mostly reading

that'll be a nice change [for once]

i passed the 10,000 song mark on my computer

i suppose that's something too

i'm not sure what to think about how much music i now have

on one hand, that's a shit-ton of music to have

it's starting to border on unnecessarily large

on the other, i'm glad i have such varied tastes

and i keep on downloading music

so it's only gonna get bigger

i also haven't been going to sleep before 5 am

that's definitely something

s'been going on about a week and a half or so

i should probly try to not let that happen

since all it does is fuck me up [worse than normal]

and since i'm rarely productive when i do stay up

i've decided i'm not going to any parties for a while

[the only exception being halloween]

even though i saw a lot of people this weekend,

including some i haven't seen in about a month or so

all the places i went had franzia, shitty beer, and people i don't know

first off:

i hate franzia, it's disgusting

if you drink booze from a box, you have a problem. period.

second:

shitty beer is shitty for a reason, and that's because it's cheap

so i don't care how much money you're trying to save

pitch in some cash so i can drink something that doesn't taste like piss

and third:

people i know are fine, people i don't know are fine

people i don't know aren't fine when they make up a majority

it makes me feel out of place, and all i do is drink and look awkward/creepy

i go to parties to enjoy myself, not talk to friends of friends of friends

oh, and a fourth:

cheap booze FUCKING SUCKS

i changed my voicemail a few weeks back

just to get this out in the open, so there's no ambiguity:

i am perfectly aware of what my old voicemail said

i know it said i was still in russia until the end of june

it also said that i'd be back after that, and that i'd return calls

apparently EVERYONE who called me felt the need to point that out

i'm aware of where i am people, trust me

so please, if you wanna try to be clever or cute on my voicemail

don't

politics is the same [irritating]

news is the same [unbelievable]

classes are the same [hard/easy/painful/awesome]

jobs are the same [nonexistant]

weather is the same [cold, how i like it]

the only thing that seems to be different is sports

and oh boy, is it exciting

i have to say, i'm grateful msu decided to start winning again

it's a step in the right direction, i gotta say

same thing goes for the steelers

nice choice, guys, helps to keep the rep going strong

also, what the fuck happened to the titans?

a 59–0 shutout? by the patriots, of all teams?

they've allowed 198 points in just six games

even the LIONS haven't allowed that many

to commemorate this ridiculous feat,

i'll end with the sentiments of a pissed–off anonymous:

addendum:
due to popular demand [by that, i mean the one person who asked],
and due to the fact that i haven't done it in well over a year,
i'm bringing back the potatoes
and since i already posted about their stunning fall,
i'm making the titans the potatoe of this post
because it takes incredible skill to go from 13–3 to 0–6

бесконечность

i suppose i owe an explanation about what's been going on

about two weeks ago,

i found out i'm going to another funeral [my eighth]

my grandfather's

he'd been in the hospital since around the beginning of august

and his recovery was... inconsistent, i guess

he just couldn't fight it off anymore

so now he's gone

it should have been relatively easy to handle

he was old, sick for a long time, and that's how it goes

but it's been killing me since i found out

not grief, but guilt; the hardcore kind

the same kind i felt for about two months after anderson died

[which is a whole other story that some of you may know]

it's pretty much been controlling me since i found out

it wasn't any one specific thing,

just a lot of things compounded that made me feel like shit

that and i felt horrible for not being able to go home when it happened

so i was basically checked out from everything i was doing

i tried doing things to get my mind off it,

but it didn't work [it never does, really]

i did get to spend some time with my family this weekend

and it helped; it alleviated the guilt some, at least

i'm not the only one who hasn't handled this well

but it helped to put it in perspective

i sometimes just forget that life goes on, i guess

so here's hoping i get back to mine sometime soon

and this makes number eight

damn it

what a fucking way to start the day

спасение соделал еси посреде земли, боже. аллилуия.

harkness

i would like to point out:

all but one of my profs is on facebook [the exception is merrill, sadly

you better believe i'd friend merrill in half a second if i could]

even my old history profs are kickin' it on the old fezbuk

there is no need for that

someday, god willing, i will be decent at graphic design

it doesn't help that i have no experience at it

and that i'm basically teaching myself

but goddamn it, one day i will be decent enough to market it

i'll add it on my resume as a skill,

and it still won't get me hired

i wonder if i'll actually get that job i 'interviewed' for with h/c

i'm giving it until tomorrow before i call it

i hope i do, since it at least sounded cool

but the inevitable, inherited tagg luck will rear its ugly head

and so i shall have to begin my search again

goddamn it

for photojournalism, i actually need to have an artist's eye

that's a problem, mostly because i don't have one

hopefully i can learn to compose a photo halfway decently

i may or may not be taking headshots for my theater class

so some ability to work the camera'd be beneficial

or maybe i'll just wing it

can't turn out too bad, yeah?

i cannot in words describe how much i love the wil wheaton song

i'm not really a fan of jonathan coulton, though,

anyone who loves wil wheaton enough to sing to him is cool to me

i love his reactions to the song as it goes on, they're great

for anyone who hasn't seen it, here it be

since i'm too lazy/cheap to get it cut,

my hair's continued to grow

i'd forgotten the polarizing effect long hair has on me

generally people either think it's awesome or really bad

[usually the latter, but i could give a rat's ass about my hair]

i'm slowly becoming accustomed to the comments about it again

they aren't nearly as bad as they were in seventh grade,

but that was a whole different beast

not to mention that this time around i have a bitchin' beard

so not only do i look weird, i look like a weird lumberjack

i'm indeterminate if i'm going to try out for any shows this year

i want to, but it depends on what show it is,

definitely who's putting it on,

and how much time it'll rob from me

people of the interwubs, what do you think?

aşteaptă

feeling sorrow

for all the things you had to steal and borrow

bring back the days we had before tomorrow

relapse and then collapse into yourself once more

void i can't fill

the doctor tells me to relax and stand still

prescribes me me a new pill to quell my anger

wish i could make her pull herself up off the floor

waiting for this life to change, seems like it's taking me forever

and i can't hold on, this light is breaking into the day

this life is going to change, feels like it's taking me forever

and i can't hold on, this light is breaking into the day

into the day, again

take time to contemplate who you are and where you want to go

krzhizhanovsky

i need a job

for lots of reasons, most of them being the fact that i'm poor

but i really need an outlet, too

hopefully i can get something halfway decent

otherwise, i'll start whoring myself out

which is a bad idea,

because i wouldn't make money doing that, either

i'm liking the fact that i won't have much free time again

but this busy isn't like last semester's busy

last semester was frantic, edging towards psychotic

this semester is looking to be productive,

or at the very least, time-consuming

i'm ok with that, i need to spend time away from phillips

i spent most of my waking hours in sny/phi last year

between the plays, the caf, all the reading, homework, and studying

i probly spent about 80% of my time just on the second floor

i don't want to live there, i just want to exist there

i don't really see a room as a place to be all the time

especially if you have a single

i really don't want to do much more than sleep there

study and read, maybe, but that's about it

it really doesn't need any more purpose than that

i'm ready for football season to really get going

none of this throwaway, easy-win opening week bullshit

i want to see some gritty, hard-fought, heart-breaking games

i want to see some goddamn injuries,

i want to hear screams at the officials

i want to see people screaming at the top of their lungs

i want to hate the other team, and occasionally my own

i want to love my steelers and spartans

i want to tell john madden to shut up

i want to feel the elation when we win at the last second

i want to feel the anguish when we lose by one point

i want to trash talk on my shitty little white board

and i want some yelling matches with opposing fans

I WANT SOME FUCKING FOOTBALL

as an aside,

i wonder a lot about the people who overhear me,

the people in grocery stores or fast food places,

who have to listen to me when i'm in public

i always wonder what they think about what i'm saying

cuz i know some ridiculous shit comes out of my mouth

i mean, i swear a lot

and the curses i string together are... well, unique

plus, i talk about pretty random stuff most of the time

i like to think it throws a wrench in the cog of normal days

i just wonder if other people appreciate it like i do

i'm sure they don't, but that's how it goes

baldwin

i can't explain a thing

i want everything to change and stay the same on top

doesn't care about anyone or anything

now come together, come apart

only get lonely when you read the charts

oh baby, when they made me they broke the mold

girls used to follow me around when i got cold

i'm a mascot for what you've become

and i love the mayhem more than the love

and oh, baby, one day maybe we broke the mold

girls used to follow me around when i got cold

fly your cameras in the air

and wave 'em like you just don't care

i will never believe in anything again

change will come, oh change will come

i will never believe in anything again

we will never believe again

kickdrum beating in my chest again

oh we will never believe again

preach electric to a microphone stand

linn valley

it's that time of the year again

classes start, and what a treat it will be

the thing that kills me,

of all the shit that professors do [un]intentionally,

is when they over–format the syllabus.

it's a goddamn course outline

it doesn't need to be pretty, it doesn't need photos

it doesn't need to be 10 goddamn pages long

i don't need clipart and cutesy sayings to help me understand class

every semester i go through this shit

i download all my syllabi and i reformat them

i can usually cut them down about 25% just getting rid of graphics

if this really was a 'green university'

they'd forbid any syllabus longer than three pages, double sided

that's how you save paper

i will say, i'm pleased with my start times this semester

only one class starts before noon

shit ton better than another 8`30

i' never want to go through that again

also, a big fuck you goes out to kim wilcox, our provost

our welcome 'days' fucking suck

this year's freshmen got screwed, royally

also, what the fuck was up with those fireworks?

is that really what they're using our tuition money for?

because i can think of better ways to spend $18k

christ

is it december yet?

parson's

where do we go from here,

now that all other children are growing up?

and how do we spend our lives,

if there's no one to lend us a hand?

where do we go from here,

now that all other children have grown up?

and how do we spend our time,

knowing nobody gives us a damn?

i don't wanna live here no more,

i don't wanna stay;

ain't gonna spend the rest of my life,

quietly fading away.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,

things that they say, honor brite;

if i promise you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?

games people play in the middle of the night.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,

things that they say, just don't make it right;

if i'm telling you the truth right now, do you believe it?

games people play in the middle of the night.

pavlove

i am sore as shit today

apparently, stabbing the fuck out of someone really tenses the muscles

i'll have to remember to stretch first next time

but in that regard, the movie's finished [at least my part]

so we'll see how it turns out

also, it was cool to hang out with mr mike again

i hadn't seen him since before he left for his internship

i think he's the only '04 senior i still talk to

that's ridiculous, i can't believe i've known him for six years

on that vein, i can't believe i've lived in michigan for six years

it hasn't seemed like i've spent a third of my life here

and yet, i have

we completed the move to mt morris six years ago this week

i spent pretty much until 2005 pining for 'back home'

and since then, i've tried to take what good i can from here

which, around flint, is barely anything,

though there have been a few scant things i'll take with me

but when i do finally leave here, i won't feel the same about it

i won't miss it nearly as much as missed my home town

i suppose i can be thankful for the that fact,

that moving that far won't bother me as much as that first time

i don't think i'll ever ingrain myself that much in one place again

most of me really wants the ability to leave a place quickly

no real ties to cut, no drawn out departures

i don't usually settle down in one place for long, anyway

so we'll see what that brings me

or rather, i will

speaking of six year old things,

my trusty [and incredibly battered] laptop is up for replacement

it's served me well, much better than i ever would've expected

through the many scrapes, slaps, falls, knocks, bangs,

the swearing, the beatings, incessant tapings,

the binder clips on the monitor,

the broken cd–drive housing,

the forever–loose bottom metal covering

and that FUCKING HEADPHONE JACK stuck in my audio jack,

it's stood strong and resilient, ever dependable

and soon, i'll bid it a fond, though not untimely farewell

so long, little buddy,

my first mac and my first laptop

i'll miss you, and hope you enjoy retirement

school is nigh,

and though i'm looking forward to living on my own,

i'm not looking forward to a lack of a/c

also not looking forward to commitments i've made,

but there's really nothing i can do about those

beyond ignoring them, which is tempting

also not looking forward to my school sleep schedule

it's never easy to get back into it after summer

[the ONLY reliably good thing about summer,

besides a ridiculous amount of slurpees,

is my ability to sleep in every day]

but every year it gets harder and harder to revert back

sleep is my version of a long distance relationship:

i only get it when i go back home,

and i'm gone so long i forget what it's like to get it on a regular basis

i can't wait until i turn 21

then, instead of writing things like this,

i can just drink 'till i pass out

who says unhealthy behavior isn't preferable?

i'll take an alcoholic stupor to dealing with my thoughts any day

navras

the movie project seems to progressing along steadily

we'll wrap up on saturday [hopefully]

then i can return to my last two weeks of nothing

which i will savor by doing... nothing

despite how much i like east lansing,

i don't like being here in the summer

something about it doesn't seem right to me

i just feel like i need to be somewhere else,

doing something completely removed from school

plus, i feel being here all year around erodes the novelty;

i've always felt that e/l is a novel place, for me at least

and that novelty is just being here for eight months a year

or, maybe i'm just being stupid

whichever

i'm looking forward to finally putting windows on my computer

all my games from 5–10 years ago are again within my reach

and i'm gonna play the shit out of them all over again, goddamn it

because those were the good ol' days of gaming

and i miss them

synapheia

considering my unending need for money

and the fact that i don't have a job [still]

i've decided to take a different approach

i'm going to follow in the footsteps of the us government

[that fine and exemplary institution]

my plan is as follows:

–i'll announce my plan to accomplish a ridiculous feat [in this instance, i'll use hiking to venezuela], while explaining how it will benefit everyone in the long run [my experiences traveling there will give me a new world view, one which is much more accurate and capable of tackling today's tough social dilemmas]

–following that, i'll layout how much i estimate that i'll need [i'm gonna ballpark it around $100,000, just because]. since i only have ~$200 on me, i'll amend that by saying i'll pay all costs accrued at a later date when i do have it

–to pay for my trip, i'll pick about 1000 adults at random and send them the bills for everything i rack up, with a decent explanation of what i was doing. given the variety, most will not support my activities, and angrily declare that they aren't going to pay for it. i might get lucky and have ten pitch in considerable sums because "it's important to support everyone's hopes, dreams, and goals in this uncertain time"

–in response to the adults who don't pay my way, i'll publicly lambast them for being unfeeling to the more financially destitute, and label them as misers who don't care about the country as a whole. following that, i'll contact wealthier people i do know and complain how certain people aren't allowing me to live up to the potential good i can do for myself and others. i'll play to their sympathies, and likely end up with somewhere around $300,000

–i'll proceed to blow the money on junk food, various electronics, and other useless things that don't help me or anybody else, wait for the money to be wrung dry, then whine that a lack of support has left me unmotivated to accomplish my dreams. public outcry from a small but vocal group of supporters will then push me to repeat the process, this time with a loftier, more ridiculous goal, and needing even more money.

––––––––––––––––––––

i think i need to look into internships for next summer

i've spent too many summers at home

i think just being here unmotivates me to do anything productive

i have plenty of food, shelter, security,

and if i run out of cash i can bum some from my parents

perhaps working for a summer away from here will do the trick

that or it i'll just get lazy, forget to do it, then come back here anyway

whichever

the semester is approaching quickly,

which i honestly could care less about

after the nonstop fervor of last semester

i really haven't been thinking much of school

i think my schedule's gonna quickly ease itself into a nice routine

one right on the cusp of 'just enough work to do'

hopefully, with a job of some sort,

and the steadiness of classes,

i'll just settle into a nice, relaxing daily routine

i think i deserve it by this point

and, of course, the eternal question remains:

will living alone turn me into a complete recluse?

or will i just be slightly more reclusive than i am now?

only time [and people who come to bother me] will tell

hegyvidéki

farewell, vain world, i'm going home!

my savior smiles and bids me come,

and i don't care to stay here long!

sweet angels beckon me away,

to sing god's praise in endless day,

and i don't care to stay here long!

i'm glad that i am born to die,

from grief and woe my soul shall fly,

and i don't care to stay here long!

bright angels shall convey me home,

away to new jerusalem,

and i don't care to stay here long!

right up yonder, christians, away up yonder,

o, yes my lord, for i don't care to stay here long!

––––––

and am i born to die?

to lay this body down,

and must my trembling spirit fly

into a world unknown?

a land of deepest shade,

unpierced by human thought,

the dreary regions of the dead,

where all things are forgot.

so as soon from earth i go,

what will become of me?

eternal happiness or woe,

must then my trumpet be.

waken by the trumpet sound,

i, from my grave, shall rise;

and see the judge with glory crowned,

and see the flaming skies.

splątanie

i think i've developed a trend

to date, i've killed three animals with my dad's car since '05

all three of them have been cats

the most recent one was a couple days ago

perhaps its a sign

or maybe it means cats should watch out for me

cuz i brake for nothing, even kitties

someday soon i'll post a link to my russia photos

maybe, if i sort through all of them

and find somewhere to put them

and if anyone here actually wants to see them

i love finding things i like by accident

whether something just catches my eye

or i pick something up by chance

i've done that with music and video games lately

and it's yielded good results

my uncle ed's coming to stay with us for a few days

haven't seen him in a couple years,

so i'm looking forward to it

though i wish it could be under better circumstances

maybe it will turn out ok, maybe it won't

i'm sure you'll be hearing about it either way

in the next few days, i'd imagine

mauser

i have to say, i appreciate the 'rain' that we're getting

it's a shit ton better than humid 95º days

i'm probly the only person here right now who thinks that

and i can live with that

the possibility is high that i'll have an unproductive summer

i've already settled into my routine from last year

though if i end up doing the same things,

it won't bother me nearly as much,

since i actually accomplished something this year

it is possible i'll get something done these summer months

i'm supposed to help make a russian club website

so we'll see how that goes

i ended up buying a bookcase on saturday

the book stack on my nightstand was getting unstable

and i was tired of having half those books still in the boxes

[the boxes i brought them back from the store in]

so i unpacked all of them, and put them on this shelf

the case i bought was three-tiered

and was filled up long before i ran out of books

which means sometime in the future, i'll need another

especially after this saturday comes to pass

it appears i have a new favorite fps

we'll see how long it lasts

it's a good game, so it might hold that title for a while

it also appears i've been on an alanis morissette kick lately

i never knew 'supposed former infatuation junkie' was so good

i've almost like it better than 'jagged little pill', but not quite

guess it's a time of revelation for me