realignment rigmarole

again, before we get into that which we can never get out of
[in a word, my ramblings]
college football has had its first firing of the 2011 season
mike stoops, head coach of the arizona wildcats got canned last night
best part? it's only six weeks into the season
and we've got another eight to go
i'll probly come back to this tomorrow,
but i figured it was worth mentioning
let the coaching carousel commence a–turnin'


today's post brings us back to the teeth–clenching subject of realignment
because, as much as we say we truly and honestly don't give a fuck
we all do, deep down
mostly cuz we wanna see who gets screwed next
[safe to say, it ain't gonna be the big ten]
at the moment, only two conferences are expanding because they have to:
the big twelve and the big east
both are hemorrhaging teams like an anemic with a flesh wound
and they are scrambling to find replacements
whereas conferences like the sec and acc are expanding because why the fuck not?
so let's a trip down realignment boulevard and see what's what

the big twelve, as i've so eloquently stated before, is a shit show
in two years time, they've lost two big name teams [nebraska and texas a&m]
one middle–of–the–pack team [colorado]
and is very likely going to lose another solid team in missouri
in an all–too–clever analogy,
if a company you'd invested in substantially, over two years time,
managed to lose 1/3 of its market share and its standing among elite businesses
you'd pull out of that faster than a girl with teeth in her vag
[...i honestly can't believe i just connected football to vagina dentata]
at any rate, that's exactly what has happened to the big twelve
and yet, they keep chuggin' along, trying to delay the inevitable
and what better way to do that than by plugging the holes with new teams
[...goddamn it, there's another vag joke
i'm amazingly perverse for this early in the morning]

now, the last major school to change conferences was tcu last november
[despite my liking them, hawai'i hardly counts as a football powerhouse]
and where did tcu go? the big east
purely because they wanted to be in a bcs automatic–qualifying conference
geography be damned, they wanted a shot at the fiesta bowl
but now, damn near a year later, a more attractive offer comes along:
the big twelve wants someone to fill the void that a&m left
so they court tcu as well
and wouldn't you know it, tcu said "goddamn it, took you long enough"
mind you, the big twelve considered tcu when it was formed in '96
and they pretty much laughed them out of the room
oh, how times have changed

so, that puts the big twelve back at ten schools for the moment
[since talks with other schools, like smu, are basically non–existent]
but that will most likely be temporary,
seeing as how mizzou has officially started to explore to conference options
some might see this as exploration to gauge their true worth to their conference
[kinda like what tom izzo did last summer]
but, considering that mizzou abstained from voting on adding tcu,
i think they're pretty well set on getting the fuck out of the big twelve
god knows i would be at this point
the big twelve is by far most unstable conference at the moment
and that's saying something, because they're not being actively raided
unlike...

that's right, we're back to the big east
that perennially screwed conference in terms of membership
as i mentioned earlier, tcu was set to join the big east in july
easily their biggest addition since west virginia in '95
but, as of today, there is no more tcu in their future
so where does that leave them?
they're currently down to 6 football schools, out of 16 total
and they're so desperate in trying to stay competitive
they've decided to add six more football schools
[which, assuming those aren't current members,
would bring the total to an unwieldy 22 schools]

to their credit, the big east is currently trying to get non–football schools into football
villanova, for example, has apparently been asked to consider moving to the fbs
[they currently play colonial athletic association of the fcs]
likewise, notre dame has [yet again] been approached for their football team
and most rightly assume that notre dame will yet again snub that possibility
[at this point, i feel like they're just doing it because they can]
but both of these seem like insane longshots that won't help them in the short term
so what are they to do?
pull from other conferences, naturally

also to their credit, they haven't gone raiding [at least not yet]
all the schools have been talked to openly,
and they've got some interesting choices on the docket
they're most overtly pushing for the service academy
currently, army and navy are independents, while air force is in the mountain west
army and navy would be good choices, i feel,
not because they're powerhouses, but because they're good schools
that and they're already in the geographic purview of the east
i can't imagine that they'd get one without the other, though
and they're not getting air force, because it's in fucking colorado
so we'll see how that plays out, but i'm not writing it off

they've also reportedly tried courting temple
a team they unceremoniously kicked out back in 2004
which, honestly, i think is funny
there's nothing more embarassing than endearing yourself to someone you kicked to the curb
other teams include east carolina and central florida,
both of which are pretty good at football,
and probly hoping for the opportunity to play at a higher level
[especially east carolina,
who's been very vocal in their desire to join for years]
either or both of these teams would probly raise the conference's competitiveness
but wouldn't necessarily raise their profile nationally,
which is the whole point of this exercise

the sadder prospects include memphis, smu, and houston
memphis is about as pathetic at football as you can get
[though their basketball team is decent]
smu and houston are way out in texas
and beyond their geographic isolation,
they're more likely to go to the big twelve to keep it afloat
so really, there's no point to expound on any of these

no matter which way you slice it,
the big east's future in football is pretty screwed
it might just have to stick to it's basketball priority,
and let its bcs aspirations wither and die
it provides only one team to the bcs per year as an at–large,
[and it's last bcs win was in 2007 in the fiesta bowl
in fact, it's won only 6 bcs games, as opposed to the sec's 15 and big ten's 10
though it's better than the acc, which only has 2]
it invariably has the lowest number of ranked teams of the 6 aq conferences
none of its current members have even played for national championships
[not ever, just since '91 when big east football began]
and really, no current team is good enough to change their fortunes
i'm not sayin', i'm just sayin'

the conference that seems to be winning the expansion battle
if you care to term it that way
is the sec [yeah, that's right, fuck you acc]
they haven't pursued anyone in this particular debacle,
and yet have had two big name programs from the big twelve basically beg to join them
my disdain for them aside,
they've pretty much solidified their spot at the top of the bcs with these moves
god help us if they actually add mizzou


in other realignment news,
EVERYONE IS OUT OF THEIR FUCKING MINDS
i understand the occasional need to change
but this shit is just ridiculous
for fuck's sake, please get this over with quickly
i'm tired of these headlines, tired of the bad blood, and tired of the speculation
let's let grudges get settled on the field, hmm?


UP NEXT:
theismann for heisman