10/5/09

бесконечность

i suppose i owe an explanation about what's been going on

about two weeks ago,
i found out i'm going to another funeral [my eighth]
my grandfather's
he'd been in the hospital since around the beginning of august
and his recovery was... inconsistent, i guess
he just couldn't fight it off anymore
so now he's gone

it should have been relatively easy to handle
he was old, sick for a long time, and that's how it goes
but it's been killing me since i found out
not grief, but guilt; the hardcore kind
the same kind i felt for about two months after anderson died
[which is a whole other story that some of you may know]
it's pretty much been controlling me since i found out
it wasn't any one specific thing,
just a lot of things compounded that made me feel like shit
that and i felt horrible for not being able to go home when it happened
so i was basically checked out from everything i was doing
i tried doing things to get my mind off it,
but it didn't work [it never does, really]

i did get to spend some time with my family this weekend
and it helped; it alleviated the guilt some, at least
i'm not the only one who hasn't handled this well
but it helped to put it in perspective
i sometimes just forget that life goes on, i guess
so here's hoping i get back to mine sometime soon

1 comments:

Anonymous said...

Ben, having just went through the same thing (grandmother instead of grandfather, but still...), just know I'm here if you want to talk. Seriously.

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