parson's

where do we go from here,
now that all other children are growing up?
and how do we spend our lives,
if there's no one to lend us a hand?

where do we go from here,
now that all other children have grown up?
and how do we spend our time,
knowing nobody gives us a damn?

i don't wanna live here no more,
i don't wanna stay;
ain't gonna spend the rest of my life,
quietly fading away.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,
things that they say, honor bright;
if i promise you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
games people play in the middle of the night.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,
things that they say, just don't make it right;
if i'm telling you the truth right now, do you believe it?
games people play in the middle of the night.

pavlove

i am sore as shit today
apparently, stabbing the fuck out of someone really tenses the muscles
i'll have to remember to stretch first next time
but in that regard, the movie's finished [at least my part]
so we'll see how it turns out
also, it was cool to hang out with mr mike again
i hadn't seen him since before he left for his internship
i think he's the only '04 senior i still talk to
that's ridiculous, i can't believe i've known him for six years

on that vein, i can't believe i've lived in michigan for six years
it hasn't seemed like i've spent a third of my life here
and yet, i have
we completed the move to mt morris six years ago this week
i spent pretty much until 2005 pining for 'back home'
and since then, i've tried to take what good i can from here
which, around flint, is barely anything,
though there have been a few scant things i'll take with me
but when i do finally leave here, i won't feel the same about it
i won't miss it nearly as much as missed my home town
i suppose i can be thankful for the that fact,
that moving that far won't bother me as much as that first time
i don't think i'll ever ingrain myself that much in one place again
most of me really wants the ability to leave a place quickly
no real ties to cut, no drawn out departures
i don't usually settle down in one place for long, anyway
so we'll see what that brings me
or rather, i will

speaking of six year old things,
my trusty [and incredibly battered] laptop is up for replacement
it's served me well, much better than i ever would've expected
through the many scrapes, slaps, falls, knocks, bangs,
the swearing, the beatings, incessant tapings,
the binder clips on the monitor,
the broken cd–drive housing,
the forever–loose bottom metal covering
and that FUCKING HEADPHONE JACK stuck in my audio jack,
it's stood strong and resilient, ever dependable
and soon, i'll bid it a fond, though not untimely farewell
so long, little buddy,
my first mac and my first laptop
i'll miss you, and hope you enjoy retirement

school is nigh,
and though i'm looking forward to living on my own,
i'm not looking forward to a lack of a/c
also not looking forward to commitments i've made,
but there's really nothing i can do about those
beyond ignoring them, which is tempting
also not looking forward to my school sleep schedule
it's never easy to get back into it after summer
[the ONLY reliably good thing about summer,
besides a ridiculous amount of slurpees,
is my ability to sleep in every day]
but every year it gets harder and harder to revert back
sleep is my version of a long distance relationship:
i only get it when i go back home,
and i'm gone so long i forget what it's like to get it on a regular basis

i can't wait until i turn 21
then, instead of writing things like this,
i can just drink 'till i pass out
who says unhealthy behavior isn't preferable?
i'll take an alcoholic stupor to dealing with my thoughts any day

navras

the movie project seems to progressing along steadily
we'll wrap up on saturday [hopefully]
then i can return to my last two weeks of nothing
which i will savor by doing... nothing

despite how much i like east lansing,
i don't like being here in the summer
something about it doesn't seem right to me
i just feel like i need to be somewhere else,
doing something completely removed from school
plus, i feel being here all year around erodes the novelty;
i've always felt that e/l is a novel place, for me at least
and that novelty is just being here for eight months a year
or, maybe i'm just being stupid
whichever

i'm looking forward to finally putting windows on my computer
all my games from 5–10 years ago are again within my reach
and i'm gonna play the shit out of them all over again, goddamn it
because those were the good ol' days of gaming
and i miss them

synapheia

considering my unending need for money
and the fact that i don't have a job [still]
i've decided to take a different approach
i'm going to follow in the footsteps of the us government
[that fine and exemplary institution]
my plan is as follows:


–i'll announce my plan to accomplish a ridiculous feat [in this instance, i'll use hiking to venezuela], while explaining how it will benefit everyone in the long run [my experiences traveling there will give me a new world view, one which is much more accurate and capable of tackling today's tough social dilemmas]

–following that, i'll layout how much i estimate that i'll need [i'm gonna ballpark it around $100,000, just because]. since i only have ~$200 on me, i'll amend that by saying i'll pay all costs accrued at a later date when i do have it

–to pay for my trip, i'll pick about 1000 adults at random and send them the bills for everything i rack up, with a decent explanation of what i was doing. given the variety, most will not support my activities, and angrily declare that they aren't going to pay for it. i might get lucky and have ten pitch in considerable sums because "it's important to support everyone's hopes, dreams, and goals in this uncertain time"

–in response to the adults who don't pay my way, i'll publicly lambast them for being unfeeling to the more financially destitute, and label them as misers who don't care about the country as a whole. following that, i'll contact wealthier people i do know and complain how certain people aren't allowing me to live up to the potential good i can do for myself and others. i'll play to their sympathies, and likely end up with somewhere around $300,000

–i'll proceed to blow the money on junk food, various electronics, and other useless things that don't help me or anybody else, wait for the money to be wrung dry, then whine that a lack of support has left me unmotivated to accomplish my dreams. public outcry from a small but vocal group of supporters will then push me to repeat the process, this time with a loftier, more ridiculous goal, and needing even more money.


——————


i think i need to look into internships for next summer
i've spent too many summers at home
i think just being here unmotivates me to do anything productive
i have plenty of food, shelter, security,
and if i run out of cash i can bum some from my parents
perhaps working for a summer away from here will do the trick
that or it i'll just get lazy, forget to do it, then come back here anyway
whichever

the semester is approaching quickly,
which i honestly could care less about
after the nonstop fervor of last semester
i really haven't been thinking much of school
i think my schedule's gonna quickly ease itself into a nice routine
one right on the cusp of 'just enough work to do'
hopefully, with a job of some sort,
and the steadiness of classes,
i'll just settle into a nice, relaxing daily routine
i think i deserve it by this point

and, of course, the eternal question remains:
will living alone turn me into a complete recluse?
or will i just be slightly more reclusive than i am now?
only time [and people who come to bother me] will tell

hegyvidéki

farewell, vain world, i'm going home!
my savior smiles and bids me come,
and i don't care to stay here long!
sweet angels beckon me away,
to sing god's praise in endless day,
and i don't care to stay here long!

i'm glad that i am born to die,
from grief and woe my soul shall fly,
and i don't care to stay here long!
bright angels shall convey me home,
away to new jerusalem,
and i don't care to stay here long!

right up yonder, christians, away up yonder,
o, yes my lord, for i don't care to stay here long!

——————

and am i born to die?
to lay this body down,
and must my trembling spirit fly
into a world unknown?

a land of deepest shade,
unpierced by human thought,
the dreary regions of the dead,
where all things are forgot.

so as soon from earth i go,
what will become of me?
eternal happiness or woe,
must then my trumpet be.

waken by the trumpet sound,
i, from my grave, shall rise;
and see the judge with glory crowned,
and see the flaming skies.

splątanie

i think i've developed a trend
to date, i've killed three animals with my dad's car since '05
all three of them have been cats
the most recent one was a couple days ago
perhaps its a sign
or maybe it means cats should watch out for me
cuz i brake for nothing, even kitties

someday soon i'll post a link to my russia photos
maybe, if i sort through all of them
and find somewhere to put them
and if anyone here actually wants to see them

i love finding things i like by accident
whether something just catches my eye
or i pick something up by chance
i've done that with music and video games lately
and it's yielded good results

my uncle ed's coming to stay with us for a few days
haven't seen him in a couple years,
so i'm looking forward to it
though i wish it could be under better circumstances
maybe it will turn out ok, maybe it won't
i'm sure you'll be hearing about it either way
in the next few days, i'd imagine

mauser

i have to say, i appreciate the 'rain' that we're getting
it's a shit ton better than humid 95º days
i'm probly the only person here right now who thinks that
and i can live with that

the possibility is high that i'll have an unproductive summer
i've already settled into my routine from last year
though if i end up doing the same things,
it won't bother me nearly as much,
since i actually accomplished something this year
it is possible i'll get something done these summer months
i'm supposed to help make a russian club website
so we'll see how that goes

i ended up buying a bookcase on saturday
the book stack on my nightstand was getting unstable
and i was tired of having half those books still in the boxes
[the boxes i brought them back from the store in]
so i unpacked all of them, and put them on this shelf
the case i bought was three-tiered
and was filled up long before i ran out of books
which means sometime in the future, i'll need another
especially after this saturday comes to pass

it appears i have a new favorite fps
we'll see how long it lasts
it's a good game, so it might hold that title for a while
it also appears i've been on an alanis morissette kick lately
i never knew 'supposed former infatuation junkie' was so good
i've almost like it better than 'jagged little pill', but not quite
guess it's a time of revelation for me

pоссия

v-rossii.blogspot.com

that's where i'll be chronicling my time in russia
feel free to follow along
should be a blast [or not, i have no idea]

kernel panic

i never realized there was a mac version of the blue screen of death
i know that there is now, because i experienced it
and it wasn't something i enjoyed

basically, upon trying to restart my computer
my laptop said the drivers were missing to start os x
there's a whole litany of technical things to follow
but basically,
file permissions and ownership got screwed up
and my system file no longer possessed the system folder
which means? no working operating system
after trying to repair it in disk utility
then doing an archive install
i wiped my hard drive and started afresh
but, i was able to save virtually all my files
'virtually all' because i forgot a couple of them
like my sticky notes, my adium chat logs, things like that
also, because i needed to be punished for screwing up
my itunes library didn't save right

on the plus side of all this,
i have 29 gigs of free space now, instead of five
my computer is running faster than it was before
and any inconsequential, memory–hogging files are long gone

the downside is that i had to do this in the first place
but i accept the blame for it, because it was my fucking fault
as such
i'm not counting this as a crash
because it wasn't unwarranted, and it wasn't a third party app that did it
regardless of all that
in almost six years, this was the first problem i've had with the software
anyone else who can say that about their computer,
please, make yourselves known to me
because i don't believe anyone else has had that experience
i'm just that awesome, i guess

lojalność

i need to stop compulsively downloading music
i'm running out space to put it
that and, most of the time,
it turns out to be shit i don't like
so it's probly better if i scale back on that


i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine
it wasn't really enlightening, it was just...
well, realistic, for lack of a better word
it was about friendship, and the ones i have
i really started to realize that i'm taking the wrong tack on it
i've been making a lot of new friends at msu
most of whom are passing acquaintances at best
i have about 250 msu people on facebook
and i really only know about twenty of them

what bothers me is that i've been doing it a lot
so much so that my old friendships have been waning
that's not to say i didn't expect that
i've told a lot of people to enjoy friendship in the now
because it won't last two years after this
but i've had quite a few that have endured
people who have stuck by me through a lot
for no other reason than because they really liked me
and i've been brushing that aside, like it doesn't matter
well, it does, it really does
basically, i've been substituting people for each other
making friends here who remind me of my old friends
which is completely stupid; there's no reason for it
i've basically been punishing my friends by ignoring them
and that's a real jackass move on my part
like most of mine are

i need to start scaling back on the new people
most of the 'friendships' i've had in the past two years have lacked substance
pretty much all of them are acquaintances of convenience
like a lot of people turn out to be, at least in my case
substituting them for people i actually know and like is stupid
that's not to say i'll drop all friendships i've made here
but most of them i will
most of them aren't worth my time, or their's
and i don't feel like wasting that time

long and boring, i know
but i needed to say it
and there it is

нарицаљка

when i am laid, am laid in earth
may my wrongs create
no trouble, no trouble in thy breast
remember me, remember me, but ah
forget my fate

gözler

where has that old friend gone
lost in a february song
tell him it won't be long
'til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
where is that simple day
before the colors broke into shades
and how did i ever fade
into this life, into this life

morning is waking up
sometimes it's more than just enough
and all that you need to love
is in front of your eyes
it's in front of your eyes

sometimes it's hard to find my ground
cuz i keep on falling as i try
to get away from this crazy world

and i never want to let you down
forgive me if i slip away
when all that i've know is lost and found
i promise you, i'll come back to you
one day...

where has that old friend gone
lost in a february song
tell him it won't be long
till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes

kanādos

i feel nothing i say could sum up my emotional state
i think i've cycled through most of my normal emotions today
all compressed into about six hours
all except sadness, haven't had that one at all
the reason behind that eludes me
i've been hitting the same couple since about lunchtime
anger, resignation, confusion, disillusionment, depravity,
determination, and an odd optimism
i don't know why, i really don't
and i wish i could explain it, but i can't
oh well

after running out of adjectives to dance around the subject
i feel there's only one way to describe 'oppenheimer':
unmotivated
no one has the drive to do well
no one wants to stand out as an actor
they all seemed to just stop caring about a week ago
which is fine, it happens to the best actors
[they, as a group, obviously aren't]
i just wish i could've known they'd be like that sooner
i don't want to have to sit through more of this mediocre crap
i have better things to waste my time with

a subject has resurfaced that i don't particularly care for
people have started commenting about 'if i was straight...' again
i've gotten it at least five times this month
'you know, if you were straight, you'd get so much action'
'man, if you were straight, she'd totally be all over you in a second'
what possibly makes people think that's true?
i am, after all, a bisexual, and people know that
if i wanted to bang someone, i/we would
it's as simple as that
the plain truth is that i just don't want to, i seriously don't
i do flirt with a lot of people; it just seems to [somehow] be my nature
but i rarely feel like going beyond it
i could have a ridiculous amount of sex, but i don't
i just choose not to

and, for the record, people
i don't lead people on to no end, only to disappoint in the end
anyone who's around me a decent amount of time should get that
if i wanted to fuck someone, i make it plainly obvious
such as 'hey, i really want to have sex with you; you want to?'
and if i don't do that, then i don't want to fuck that person
it's a very unambiguous system, and it works
so please, before telling me something like that [yet again]
please, just stop, think, and then let the desire pass
because i'm tired of hearing about it

kreisau

lær meg å kjenne dine veie
og gå dem trøstig skritt for skritt
jeg vet at hva jeg fikk i eie
er borget gods og alt er ditt
men vil din sterke hånd meg lede
jeg aldri feil på målet ser
og for hvert håp som dør here nede
får jeg et håp i himlen mer

lær meg å kjenne dine tanker
og øves i å tenke dem
og når i angst mitt hjerte banker
da må du kalle motet frem
når jeg har tenkt meg trett til døden
så si hva du har tenkt, o gud
da kan jeg se at mordenrøden
bak tvil og vånde veller ut

men lær meg fremfor alt å kjenne
din grenseløse kjærlighet
den som kan tusen stjerner tenne
når lykkens sol for meg går ned
den tørrer tåren som den skapte
og leger såret som den slo
dens vei går gjennom det vi tapte
den gir oss mere enn den tok

storstad

in accordance with today's dinosaur comic
i've decided to adopt a new [slightly altered] mantra
instead of 'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with beef'
i will now use
'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with slurpee'
it fits, what can i say

my sleep cycle's been odd this week
i've been getting my normal amount in halves
like, i'll get half during the night
then take a nap and get the other half
or i'll take one or two naps during the day
i don't really mind, so long as productivity doesn't suffer

i have so much shit to do for 373
i only have 20 days left
also, somehow, in the next two weeks
i'm supposed to get through three more novels
i knew this month would blow