viscount

WHY I HATE RAINSTORMS
a rant and rage in four acts

movement 1 — people
people are invariably the most irritating part about rainstorms
they always act like it's the end of their existence
because getting wet is SUCH the tragedy
god forbid your hair get frizzy,
or your dress shirt get wrinkled
also, they automatically start bitching about the weather,
and it's always really loud and whiny
like i give a shit about how much you don't like precipitation
if you were smart and paid attention to the forecasts
OR LOOKED OUT YOUR FUCKING WINDOWS
you'd know that clouds are a–comin' and a storm's a–brewin'
and, generally while being whining like pissy kindergartner,
they start run–walking [or actually running] out of the rain
that's actually funny to me, not annoying
watching white people run is always funny
especially when they're ill–suited to do so
portly men in badly–proportioned suits are normally funny
but in a dead sprint, they're fucking comedy gold
but that's only if they don't have their protection with them
which leads to...

entr'acte — umbrellas
there is no crueler invention for city life than umbrellas
granted, they are a moderately–convenient invention
especially when keeping your upper half pristine is important
but they are more than just an irritation for the rest of us
they can be downright life–threatening
consider the following example:
it's starting to drizzle a little bit, not really that hard
a small woman walking towards you pulls out a massive umbrella,
an umbrella that could fit four people under it,
and opens it, holding it about a foot over her head
she's not watching where she's going
[or she's in too much of a rush to care]
it's a small sidewalk, and somewhat crowded
and as this woman passes,
you get hit square in the face [sometimes the eye] with her umbrella
ever happen to you?
cuz it happens to me all the fucking time
and i'm goddamn sick of it

movement 2 — resulting humidity
there's nothing like a rainstorm to help change up the weather
it's like nature's 'reset' button
in the summertime, they're a godsend
they take all the heat and stickiness out of the air
and for a glorious while, you get a respite from the oppressive temps
but then, about fifteen minutes after it's done,
you start to breathe in, and you can taste the moisture
then it gets worse
then it starts getting really bad,
to the point where you feel like you're in the everglades
the humidity comes back with a fucking vengeance
as if in defiance of the rain that just left
saying 'you can't make me leave,
and for trying, you get extra punishment
AHAHAHAHA'
what the hell is that?
if the rain was truly beneficial and kind to us
it'd kick humidity in the balls and make it evaporate
but no
rain is the picador to the humidity's bull
all it's doing is giving it more resolve to make us miserable

rondo — duration
rain is a fickle* beast, and it does whatever it damn well pleases
and normally want it wants is not what you want
especially in terms of how long it'll rain
when you want it to, it's never long enough
but when you do,
that's shit over quicker than an honest politician's career
it always goes on forever when you need it to stop
when you've got an armful of books or important documents
or maybe you're carrying something electronic
it rains like it'll never get the chance to again
but when you're bored and have the free time,
maybe decide to go out, get soaked, and splash in the puddles,
then the rain quits after about five minutes
and that MOTHERFISTFUCKING HUMIDITY comes back
it feel like you took a swan dive into a turkish bath
and just feel all sticky and slightly damp
why can't that ever be reversed?
why can't rain let us appreciate it when we want to?
and piss off when it's really, REALLY problematic?
is that so goddamn hard?


i love rain, i really do
thunderstorms are my favorite natural phenomenon
and rain in general is something that'll brighten my day
but goddamned if it doesn't piss me off in the process
it's like a really cool person you've known for a long time
and you love hanging out with them, especially just the two of you
but they always have to bring their fucking friends
and they're ALWAYS complete pricks,
and it just ruins it for you
i guess i'll have to get used to it,
cuz that's not gonna change anytime soon




*when i was writing the last part,
i initially wrote 'fuckle' instead of fickle,
and i immediately started to wonder how that would work
i imagined some unholy combo of suckling and fucking
and then imagined is as the logical follow up to cuddling
i bet some cutesy motherfucker is gonna start using that
'hey baby, i just wanna cuddle with you,
and then maybe, if things start to get hot,
we can fuckle a little bit, then maybe cuddle again'
don't think it won't happen