œcanthus fultoni

this is going to be really long, and likely offensive
but i don't give a damn
this was one of the funniest aim convos i've had in a while
hopefully you'll enjoy it as much as i did
[names changed to protect the guilty]

12`51`17 AM them: do you like Thin Mint girl scout cookies?

12`51`22 AM me: yes

12`51`26 AM them: i hate mint cookies

12`51`44 AM them: good. i'll bring them with me tomorrow

12`51`51 AM me: why do you have them, then?

12`52`13 AM them: my mom gave me an entire bag of girl scout cookie boxes and forgot to give the Thin Mints to my dad

12`52`30 AM them: so now i'm stuck with a cookie i hate, which makes me very uncomfortable

12`54`06 AM me:  because you are a crazy woman

12`57`09 AM me: you would be uncomfortable with cookies you hate

12`57`09 AM them: not crazy

12`57`15 AM me: yes, you are

12`57`21 AM me: why don't you mail the cookies to your dad?

12`57`43 AM them: mail them?

12`57`47 AM them: why would i do that?

12`57`52 AM me: or drive them, whatever

12`58`00 AM them: there are perfectly good people here to eat them

12`58`03 AM me: don't argue semantics, crazy woman

12`58`15 AM them: it's not the semantics

12`58`22 AM me: if they're for your dad, why don't you give them to him?

12`58`23 AM them: i just don't understand why others can't eat them

12`58`45 AM them: they're not expressly for my father

12`58`49 AM them: she just bought a bunch

12`58`52 AM me: ah

12`58`54 AM them: i think he has some of his own

12`58`56 AM me: i thought she bought them for him

12`59`00 AM them: no

12`59`14 AM them: at least, i don't think so

12`59`21 AM me: have you asked?

12`59`23 AM them: no

12`59`27 AM me: of course you didn't

12`59`53 AM them: dude, he can just go and BUY some if he's craving them so much

1`00`07 AM me: why would he BUY some

1`00`13 AM me: when he already has the ones you absconded

1`00`30 AM them: for the money it takes to ship them/the gas money it takes to drive there, he could buy two boxes

1`00`37 AM them: i did NOT abscond with them

1`00`40 AM them: they were given to me

1`00`44 AM them: this is not my fault

1`00`59 AM them: do not fault me for things i have little control over

1`01`04 AM them: i'm innocent in this situation

1`01`11 AM them: i could just throw them away

1`01`14 AM them: but NO

1`01`17 AM them: i asked if you wanted them

1`01`26 AM them: i'm not trying to poison you, for fuck's sake

1`01`31 AM them: just take the cookies and be happy

1`01`33 AM them: ...christ

1`03`13 AM them: i'm already up in arms over MY favorite girl scout cookie and it's lack of FUCKING SUBSTANCE

1`03`16 AM them: they changed my cookie

1`03`31 AM them: it's like an anorexic version of the old cookie

1`03`32 AM me: what kind is that

1`03`35 AM them: i'm crushed

1`03`41 AM them: the Peanut Butter Patties

1`03`59 AM them: or sometimes called Tagalongs

1`05`28 AM me: WHAT THE FUCK

1`05`35 AM them: i KNOW

1`05`48 AM me: why the fuck would they kill that delicious little slice of jesus?

1`05`49 AM me: WHY

1`05`52 AM me: ANSWER ME

1`06`01 AM them: I DON'T KNOW

1`06`05 AM them: i wish i knew

1`06`09 AM me: WHY

1`06`19 AM them: POR QUE???

1`06`30 AM me: WHY THE FUCK, WOMAN!

1`06`52 AM them: IT'S NOT MY FAULT

1`06`57 AM them: I'M JUST AS CRUSHED AS YOU ARE

1`07`02 AM me: you're a goddamn liar

1`07`08 AM me: no one is ever as crushed as i am

1`07`16 AM them: ...

1`07`19 AM them: that's a bit melodramatic

1`07`32 AM me: your goddamn cunt hair is melodramatic

1`07`34 AM me: THIS IS SERIOUS

1`08`14 AM them: perhaps a strongly worded letter to the girl scouts

1`08`48 AM me: that won't do shit

1`08`57 AM them: then what do you suggest?

1`09`03 AM them: murder?

1`09`13 AM me: of course not, don't be fucking ridiculous

1`09`23 AM me: pain, torture, pillaging, and publicity

1`09`27 AM me: and rape

1`09`40 AM them: i REFUSE to rape a girl scout

1`09`46 AM them: i can do the ret

1`09`48 AM them: *rest

1`09`51 AM them: but no raping

1`09`56 AM me: what the hell kind of sick fucking monster are you?

1`09`59 AM them: they would bleed too much

1`10`01 AM me: you think i'd rape a girl scout?

1`10`04 AM me: jesus christ

1`10`09 AM me: i'm not a goddamn animal

1`10`45 AM them: hey hey hye

1`10`49 AM them: you're the one that said rape

1`11`00 AM me: yeah

1`11`12 AM me: the fucking women who make up the recipes and make decisions about the cookie production

1`11`14 AM them: what? you gonna bumfuck their moms?

1`11`28 AM me: not the fucking girl scouts you barbarous fuck face

1`11`39 AM them: sorry

1`11`46 AM them: jumped to conclusions

1`12`06 AM me: christ on a goddamn crutch in december holding a duck

1`12`12 AM me: your assumptions make me sick

1`12`34 AM them: oh gimme a break

1`12`42 AM them: you cannot pretend to be offended

1`12`50 AM me: untrue

1`12`50 AM them: i don't buy it

1`12`57 AM me: affrontation = capitals

1`12`58 AM me: ergo

1`13`29 AM me: YOU SICKEN ME YOU COCK GROPPING CHILD'S HERSHEY HIGHWAY HITCHHIKER

1`13`51 AM them: look, i think we're all a little worked up due to the loss of a good cookie and years of tradition

1`14`01 AM them: let's just take a nice, deep, soothing breath in

1`14`03 AM them: and out

1`14`17 AM them: wait

1`14`21 AM them: what did you just call me?

1`14`37 AM me: sorry, misprint

1`14`40 AM me: i meant GROPING

1`14`46 AM them: how did the Hershey company get dragged into this

1`14`48 AM them: ?

1`15`18 AM me: you've never heard the term 'hershey highway hitchhiker'?

1`15`22 AM me: think it through

1`15`28 AM them: ....

1`15`30 AM them: ewwww

1`17`02 AM them: poor cookie

1`20`51 AM me: the FUCK did you do to that cookie you sick sitophiliac?

1`21`10 AM them: hey now!

1`21`57 AM them: i don't make the cookie decisions around here

1`22`03 AM them: i just eat 'em

1`22`09 AM them: just like you

1`22`12 AM them: eat them

1`22`12 AM me: that's even worse

1`22`19 AM me: you're passively allowing this to occur

1`22`29 AM them: I HAD NO IDEA UNTIL I OPENED THE BOX

1`22`37 AM them: how else was i supposed to proceed?

1`22`44 AM them: they already have their money

1`22`55 AM them: i'm not going to boycott and good cookie, even if it has lost weight

1`23`08 AM them: i can mourn, but it's not the cookie's fault either

1`23`09 AM me: by not proceeding and leaving your fucking disgusting paraphilias out of the consumption of delicious treats

1`24`37 AM them: you know

1`24`44 AM them: we've skipped some levels

1`24`46 AM them: ....

1`24`59 AM them: and i'm not quite sure how this became MY FUCKING FAULT

1`26`32 AM me: i've discovered your horrifying paraphilia for cookies and anal child rape

1`26`49 AM them: HEY

1`26`59 AM them: i said i WOULDN'T rape a girl scout

1`27`12 AM me: girl scouts aren't the only children

1`27`16 AM them: it's not up to me to tell you what YOU can and cannot do

1`27`43 AM them: if you want to rape children, i cannot stop you from doing it

1`27`49 AM them: that's all i was saying

1`27`52 AM me: it is when it's outside the confines of LEGALITY and MORALITY

1`28`14 AM them: ...not when anyone knows about it

1`29`15 AM me: oh my god

1`29`22 AM me: did you really just say that?

1`29`36 AM me: jesus christ

1`29`40 AM me: i knew it, i fucking knew it

1`30`40 AM them: i admitted to nothing

1`30`45 AM them: you don't know anything, got me?

1`30`49 AM them: not

1`30`50 AM them: a

1`30`51 AM them: thing

1`31`02 AM me: i know more than you think i do

1`31`36 AM them: oh, i know what you know. and now you know that i know what you know

1`31`40 AM them: and you know jack shit

1`31`43 AM them: GOT ME?

1`32`08 AM me: i guess ignorance is well suited to you

1`32`16 AM me: fine, i'll play along

1`32`22 AM me: i know nothing, jack shit, squat

1`32`30 AM them: that's right

1`32`44 AM me: but

1`33`00 AM me: you'll find out how much i "don't know" when the feds come a–knockin'

1`33`34 AM them: they'll never come

1`33`45 AM them: i cover my tracks good

1`33`45 AM me: how do you figure?

1`33`52 AM them: ....not that there are any tracks to cover

1`33`55 AM me: but they're the feds

1`33`59 AM them: because i'm clean as a new whistle

1`34`00 AM me: they're watching all of us all the time

1`34`06 AM me: bullshit you are

1`34`19 AM them: lets just say i've got 'em in my back *ahem* pocket

1`34`27 AM them: i'm free as a bird

1`34`33 AM me: yeah right

1`34`51 AM them: i do

1`34`53 AM me: you know how to pay off feds like the guys from office space know how to launder money

1`35`16 AM them: well, secrets haven't spilled until now, have they?

1`35`55 AM me: paying off the feds and lying to your acquaintances are two different things

1`36`30 AM them: i can take care of myself

1`36`36 AM me: no you can't

1`36`42 AM them: i can, too

1`36`43 AM them: !

1`36`44 AM me: if you could you wouldn't have a wife that you cheat on

1`36`52 AM them: O_o

1`36`57 AM them: i don't cheat on my wife

1`37`05 AM me: you're in bed with the feds

1`37`10 AM me: by your own fucking admission

1`37`12 AM them: i never said that

1`37`15 AM me: i got you on this one

1`37`16 AM them: i never never said that

1`37`17 AM me: oh come on

1`37`23 AM me: you said you got the feds in your back pocket

1`37`23 AM them: i said back pocket

1`37`27 AM them: yeah

1`37`28 AM them: like

1`37`35 AM me: that is the euphemism for fucking the feds in exchange for money/info

1`37`37 AM them: maybe i pay them off in baklava

1`37`42 AM them: you have NOTHING on me

1`38`40 AM me: ergo, you are fucking the feds

1`38`43 AM me: cheating on your wife

1`38`47 AM me: a dirty sitophiliac

1`38`56 AM them: not cheating on the wife

1`38`56 AM me: conspirator to take down the girl scouts of america

1`39`03 AM me: and an altogether unsavory person

1`39`04 AM them: maybe she's the fed that i'm supposedly fucking

1`39`07 AM them: did you ever think of that?

1`39`15 AM me: i did, she couldn't pull it off i don't think

1`39`16 AM me: think

1`39`22 AM them: I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING TO THE GIRL SCOUTS

1`39`28 AM them: they're the ones that offended me

1`39`33 AM them: by changing their cookies

1`39`39 AM them: YOU'RE the one that wanted to take them down

1`40`07 AM me: and unleashing the unholy demon that is your predilections to anal child rape and cock groping

1`40`08 AM them: and my wife is FULL of federal power

1`40`14 AM me: i doubt it

1`42`47 AM them: i should never have offered my cookies

1`42`57 AM them: it was supposed to be a nice gesture

1`42`59 AM me: no, you probly shouldn't have

1`43`05 AM me: and look what you unleashed

1`43`06 AM them: but you turn everything you touch into GARBAGE

1`43`14 AM me: to be fair

1`43`17 AM me: you expect this from me

1`43`24 AM them: i didn't unleash it

1`43`26 AM them: YOU did

1`43`36 AM them: you evil evil....evil thing

1`43`37 AM me: i didn't say anything about unleashing anything

1`43`47 AM me: i merely said it's the kind of thing i'd do

1`43`50 AM me: and i did

1`44`23 AM me: and that's what you get for trying to be nice

1`44`29 AM them: yes

1`44`33 AM them: yes, it certainly is

1`44`41 AM them: ...i'll bring you the cookies anyway

1`44`44 AM them: i don't want them

1`44`53 AM me: i don't like mint cookies

1`45`02 AM them: oh, you fucking liar

1`45`16 AM me: i'm not a fan of them

1`45`28 AM them: ....i think you're making fun of me

1`45`32 AM them: but i'm not sure

1`45`36 AM me: no

1`45`42 AM me: if i was, it'd go something like

1`45`58 AM me: 'i have cookies i don't like here, and their presence makes me extremely uncomfortable and neurotic'

1`46`26 AM them: you told me earlier that you liked thin mints

1`46`34 AM me: i lie

1`46`37 AM them: so either you were lying then or you're lying now

1`46`46 AM them: SOMEBODY HAS TO TAKE THEM

1`46`53 AM them: THEY CANNOT STAY HERE

1`46`53 AM me: that's the $64,000 question

1`46`55 AM me: why?

1`47`00 AM me: they're just cookies

1`47`06 AM them: BECAUSE THEY MAKE ME UNCOMFORTABLE

1`47`13 AM them: yes, but it's such a waste if they stay here

1`47`15 AM them: not eaten

1`47`15 AM me: what the fuck?

1`47`24 AM me: why do thin mints make you uncomfortable?

1`47`40 AM them: i don't want to talk about it

1`47`44 AM me: but i do

1`47`50 AM them: you've abused me enough for one night

1`48`08 AM me: i'm not going to abuse you about it

1`48`13 AM them: LIES

1`48`13 AM me: i just want to know about it

1`48`17 AM them: no

1`48`21 AM them: you know too much

1`48`24 AM them: FAR too much

1`48`28 AM me: i'm not sure i could abuse an irrational uncomfortability

1`48`37 AM me: and yet you didn't see this whole convo coming, did you?

1`48`43 AM them: oh, you could

1`48`49 AM me: but i won't

1`48`52 AM them: you could abuse anything if you tried hard enough

1`49`08 AM me: nothing i say will be as cruel/unusual as your reasons for being uncomfortable around a cookie

1`51`02 AM them: my reasons aren't cruel

1`51`08 AM them: they're quite the opposite

1`51`17 AM them: though, they might be unusual

1`51`20 AM them: but they don't matter

1`51`34 AM them: you don't have to know

1`51`38 AM them: you never have to know

2`01`24 AM them: i'd bring other cookies with them, but at the mere mention of the Peanut Butter Patties, you freaked

2`01`31 AM them: i'm not sure i can handle that

2`01`46 AM me: of course you can't

2`02`02 AM them: you might hurt me

2`02`12 AM them: go berserk

2`02`20 AM me: why the hell would i hurt you

2`02`27 AM them: psychotic rage?

2`02`34 AM me: i'm not mad at you

2`02`43 AM me: repulsed maybe, but not mad

2`02`58 AM them: not all psychotics kill the people they're mad at

2`03`08 AM them: just the ones that are there at the time of their psychotic break

2`03`19 AM them: and i don't know if cookies will push you over the edge or not

2`03`23 AM them: i cannot take that chanc

2`03`26 AM them: *chance

2`05`08 AM me: ah

2`05`10 AM them: ...do you really want them?

2`05`16 AM them: the Thin Mints, i mean

2`05`36 AM them: the person who has agreed to take them is not doing so out of love

2`05`39 AM them: but obligation to me

2`05`46 AM them: and they deserve better than that

2`06`02 AM me: i wouldn't take them out of love either

2`06`04 AM me: they're just cookies

2`06`10 AM me: i'd take them out of desire to eat them

2`06`13 AM them: yes, but you would want them

2`06`19 AM me: but i'm not getting them

2`06`23 AM me: so what's the point of this?

2`06`30 AM them: you could, though

2`06`36 AM them: just...say the word

2`06`41 AM them: and i'll bring them to you

2`06`52 AM them: as long as we don't have to talk about them

2`06`56 AM them: i'll bring them

2`07`30 AM me: sure

2`07`35 AM me: 'the word'

2`07`47 AM them: all right

2`07`50 AM them: it's settled

2`07`53 AM them: finally

2`08`10 AM me: didn't i accept them earlier?

2`08`23 AM them: but then you LIED and told me you didn't want them

2`08`39 AM me: i never said i didn't want them

2`08`39 AM them: and in between, a conversation that might just have to be saved

2`08`45 AM me: i lied and said i didn't like them

2`09`52 AM them: oh, quit arguing details

2`09`58 AM them: the point is that you lied to me

2`10`04 AM them: and got me all confused

2`17`54 AM them: i think i ate too many cookies

2`17`56 AM them: ugh

2`18`18 AM me: s'what you get for angrily eating peanut butter things

2`18`27 AM them: yes. it is