nástroj

i know the pieces fit
cuz i watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering
fundamental differing
pure intention juxtaposed
will set two lovers' souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes
testing our communication
the light that fueled our fire then
has burned a hole between us so
we cannot see to reach an end
crippling our communication

i know the pieces fit
cuz i watched them tumble down
no fault, none to blame
it doesn't mean i don't desire
to point the finger, blame the other
watch the temple topple over
to bring the pieces back together
rediscover communication
the poetry that comes
from the squaring off between
and the circling is worth it
finding beauty in the dissonance

there was a time that the pieces fit
but i watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering
strangled by our coveting
i've done the math enough to know
the dangers of our second guessing
doomed to crumble unless we grow
and strengthen our communication
cold silence has a tendency to
atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed brothers
between supposed lovers

i know the pieces fit

nëna shqipëri

my eyes are excruciatingly bloodshot
i understand why the left one is, since i got something in it
but i dunno why the right one's red
it's just irritating

the list for this weekend keeps getting longer
more shit i need to take care of
doesn't help that i'm now having scheduling problems
i'm probly gonna come back monday having accomplished none of it
which would screw me over horribly

i guarantee
if i went to bed right now
i probly wouldn't fall asleep for another hour
such fucking bullshit
i need to sleep
but, no, too much homework
and too much reading and writing

i think my profs are beginning to dislike me
i know zarema does, and i know dr thomas does a little bit
but i feel like my other ones might be as well
and i don't really know why
i'm trying my hardest
i don't really know what else there is i can do

and now, a rhetorical question
one i have yet to answer satisfactorily:
at what point does an unconscious desire become a conscious action?
the gray area in between is where i spend most of my time
yet i can never tell when one become the other

bolondok

of all the stupid things i was expecting to see today
i enjoyed this one the most

i hope against all things probable
that my meeting with my prof goes well tomorrow
i hope that honors option is possible
cuz i'm running out of options
and i need something to show for myself really soon
and along that same vein
i still need to make a schedule for next year
shit

i'm going to start ritually sacrificing animals
starting small, and eventually progressing in size
i can hope some secondary deity will discover me
i don't want help from them, per se
i just hope my inability to balance my deadlines amuses them
and thus, they keep me alive to continue to entertain
that's really all i ask
sure as hell beats the alternatives

i mentioned to someone tonight how i haven't written anything lately
the last thing i wrote to completion was back in august
the last good thing i wrote was over a year ago
most i've been able to manage lately is the beginnings of things
once or twice i might have gotten about halfway done
but nothing's come to fruition in almost 9 months
dry spells are irritating, but i think this is something more...
i think i'm losing my ability to write fiction
i truly am
every piece i try to start seems to be worse than the last one
i've deleted a lot of story ideas off my computer
i know, it goes against the whole creative process thing to do that
but i don't care, all they do is frustrate me
i think it might be time to call it quits on that
probly not forever, but for the foreseeable future

so, here's to you, creative writing part of my brain
you were helpful when you still worked

boerderij

it was a beautiful day today
i was probly one of the only people to think so
but it was
and i just let it be, didn't enjoy it at all
probly last one for a while too
fuck

i honestly don't know if i'm looking forward to russia anymore
i still want to go
very badly in fact
and i really want to experience life somewhere else
but i dunno if it's really a goal anymore
it's beginning to feel like just another thing i have to do
one more hurdle before i finally get to be done
which is something i was afraid would happen
fuck

i really missed denny today for some reason
i have absolutely no idea why
nothing really triggered a memory of him, like it normally happens
must've just been what happened
just makes me think about what he would be like now
i know he would've at least been happy i went to state
would've told me it was about time i switched allegiance
and i never got to tell him i was accepted here
never got to tell him how right he was about this place
never got to apologize for lying to him the last time i saw him
goddamn it, i need to stop doing this
fuck

i wish i could just sleep and sleep, and not do anything else
i would love to just sleep this weekend
but i have too much fucking homework
and too many things to get ready for
and too little time to care about any of it
fuck

on the upside to all that
i'm not failing any classes
i'm also not doing phenomenally in any of them
i've become a mediocre student
someone please just smack some caring into me
fuck

žēlsirdība

recitar! mentre preso dal delirio
non so più quel che dico
e quel che faccio!
eppur è d'uopo, sforzati
bah! sei tu forse un uom?
tu se' pagliaccio!

vesti la giubba
e la faccia infarina
la gente paga, e rider vuole qua
e se arlecchin t'invola colombina
ridi, pagliaccio, e ognun applaudirà!
tramuta in lazzi lo spasmo ed it pianto
in una smorfia in singhiozzo e 'l dolor, ah!

ridi, pagliaccio,
sul tuo amore infranto!
ridi del duol, che t'avvelena il cor!

——————

o mio babbino caro
mi piace è bello, bello
vo' andare in porta rossa
a comperar l'anello!

sì, sì, ci voglio andare!
e se l'amassi indarno
andrei sul ponte vecchio
ma per buttarmi in arno!

mi struggo e mi tormento!
o dio, vorrei morir!
babbo, pietà, pietà!
babbo, pietà, pietà!

engjëlli

i'm surprised today didn't turn out terribly
must've been the zombies with nick and carter
i truly think it's not possible for me to be depressed around them
they're too...real, i guess is the word
they enjoy their lives, they have fun
and we all just get along
i should probly do that more often, i feel like i'm abandoning them

speaking of abandonment
i'm giving up hope of getting any honors options done this semester
i just have too much shit to do another project
i mean, christ, i have more time than this to kill myself academically
why not wait till i'm further along
also, i'd really like to stay in the honors college
here's hoping my grades don't suck this semester

i wish i knew why i've been constantly hungry this week
my stomach's been growling even after i've eaten
perhaps my body is physiologically shutting itself down
or maybe i'm just fucked up, who knows

i would love to have this weekend off from everything
but no, 'responsibilities' i have beg otherwise
bullshit nonsense
next weekend will be appreciated
though i don't know whether i'll like it or not

ħadd

we get some rules to follow
that and this, these and those
no one knows

we get these pills to swallow
how they stick in your throat
tastes like gold

a gift that you give to me
no one knows

i journey through the desert
of the mind, with no hope
i follow

i drift along the ocean
dead lifeboats in the sun
i come undone

pleasantly caving in
i come undone

and i realize you're mine
indeed, a fool am i
and i realize you're mine
indeed, a fool am i

heaven smiles above me
with a gift there below
but no one knows

a gift that you give to me
no one knows

ありがとう

á lífi
kominn heim
sæglópur, á lífi
kominn heim
það kemur kafari

brûlure

today's on fire
the sky is bleeding above me, and i am blistered
i walk these lines of blasphemy every day, and still

i feel diseased
is there no sympathy from the sun?
the sky's still fire
but i am safe in here, from the world outside

so tell me
what's the price to pay for glory?

like a bad star, i'm falling faster down to her
she's the only one who knows, what it is to burn

today is fire, and she burns

barzhoniezh

слава тебе, безысходная боль!
умер вчера сероглазый король.

вечер осенний был душен и ал
муж мой, вернушись, спокойно сказал:

"знаешь, с охоты его принесли,
тело у старого дуба нашли.

жаль королеву. такой молодой!
за ночь одну она стала седой."

трубку свою на камине нашёл
и на работу ночную ушёл.

дочку мою я сейчас разбужу,
в серые глазки её погляжу.

а за окном шелестят тополя:
"нет на земле твоего короля..."

víťazstvo

first of all
i'd like to extend a broad 'fuck you' to non–steeler fans
we're just that goddamn good
get used to it

god that game was a glorious thing
s'why football is good for me
it's something i actually have a vested interest in

and speaking of football
what the fuck is up with all the staff changes going on?
i understand a some of them, but seriously
11 teams have gotten new head coaches
11? how many of them really needed that
obviously the lions needed to get rid of marinelli
and nolan wasn't doing san fran any favors
but seriously?
some of these coaches had winning records
oh well
i'll be damned if i can understand what those people think
all i know is this:
mike tomlin's gonna be around a long fucking time

that is all

frymðu

above all else, the time has come for us to renew our faith in ourselves and in america.

in recent years, that faith has been challenged.

our children have been taught to be ashamed of their country, ashamed of their parents, ashamed of america's record at home and of its role in the world.

at ever turn, we have been beset by those who find everything wrong with america and little that is right. but i am confident that this will not be the judgment of history on these remarkable times in which we are privileged to live.

america's record in this century has been unparalleled in the world's history for its responsibility, for its generosity, for its creativity, and for its progress.

let us be proud that our system has produced and provided more freedom and more abundance, more widely shared, than any other system in the history of the world.

let us be proud that in each of the four wars we have been engaged in this century, including the one we are now bringing to an end, we have fought not for our selfish advantage, but to help others resist aggression.

let us be proud that by our bold, new initiatives, and by our steadfastness for peace with honor, we have made a break-through toward creating in the world what the world has not known before – a structure of peace that can last, not merely for our time, but generations to come.

we are embarking today on an era that presents challenges great as those any nation, or any generation, has ever faced.

we shall answer to god, to history, and to our conscience for the way in which we use these years.

as i stand in this place, so hallowed by history, i think of others who have stood here before me. i think of the dreams they had for america, and i think of how each recognized that he need help far beyond himself in order to make those dreams come true.

today, i ask your prayers that in the years ahead i may have god's help in making decisions that are right for america, and i pray for your help so that together we may be worthy of our challenge.


–richard milhous nixon, 37th president of the united states
second inaugural address, january 20, 1973

ürümqi

i figure i haven't done one of these in awhile
so, now i will

—i was a stunning 1–6 for bowl game predictions this season, a new personal worst; apparently only uconn felt the need to fucking win. big ten, you're killing me, so hard

—i didn't do anything interesting over break, so don't bother asking me; i spent about five days sawing and splitting wood, that's about as good as it gets

—my neighbors on the right side moved out...now there are two douche-bags living there. awesome

—i read three books over break; most i read all year, sadly

—speaking of books, i bought a whopping 21 this semester for my classes [though my total was still less than $300, cuz the interwubs is awesome like that]; if you can break that record, please let me know...if you want to offer empathy, i'd appreciate it

—i really need a fucking job, and nobody's hiring; god. damn. it.

—my dad got me a new computer chair for my dorm, and its fucking SWEET; god i love it, it causes much envy

—i'm directing a short play this spring for roial, so here's hoping i don't fuck it up, huh?

—i have really good ideas for a few short stories, but i really, really doubt they'll work out

—my russian prof called our class 'vagabonds and gypsies' today; it was pretty damn classic

—speaking of that, less than four months until i поеду в россии [i think that's right, i don't even know anymore]

and that's all i have to say about that

pasāža

i died in a car crash two days ago
was unrecognizable when they pulled me from the gears
no one's fault, no one's bottle
no one's teenage pride or throttle
our innocence is all the worse for fears
the other walked away alive
arms wrapped now around his wife

my lover sits, the silent eye
in a hurricane of warmth and word
my mother trembles with the sobs
whose absence seems absurd
my sister shouts to let her see
through the cloud of crowd surrounding me
my colleagues call for silence in my name

i died in a car crash three months ago
they burned me 'til i glowed and crumbled to a fine, gray sand
now i am nothing, everywhere
several breaths of strangers' air
and all thoughts ever written in my hand
they plant my tree out in the yard
it grows but takes the winter hard

my lover puts a knife to wrist
says tomorrow comes, hold on a while
my mother tosses in the sheets
and dreams me holding my own child
my sister plays our homemade tapes
laughs as tears stream down her face
my office door now bears a different name

i died in a car crash four years ago
my tree drinks melted snow, just eight feet tall a pale and fragile thing
bee stings, beaches, bright vacations
sunburnt high-school graduations
a sparrow healing from a broken wing
this year a glimpse of second chances
tiny apples on my tree's branches

my lover hears the open wind
and crawls blinking into the sun
my mother leafs through photographs
and thinks 'yes, she was a lovely one'
my sister can't decide her truth
asks aloud what i might do
in a conference hall my brief efforts engraved

i died in a car crash a lifetime ago, it seems
been a decade or two or three
they just released a new design
bars and bags front and behind
my fate now an impossibility
safely packaged hurtling down
the highway hardly make a sound

my lover very much alive
arms wrapped now around his wife

рождество

i heard there is no christmas in the silly middle east
no trees, no snow, no santa claus, they have different religious beliefs
they believe in muhammad and not in our holiday
and so every december i go to the middle east and say...

hey there mr muslim, merry fucking christmas
put down that book, the koran, and hear some holiday wishes
in case you haven't noticed, it's jesus's birthday
so get off your heathen muslim ass and fucking celebrate

there is no holiday season in india, i've heard
they don't hang up their stockings, and that is just absurd
they've never read a christmas story, they don't know what rudolph is about
and that's why in december i'll go to india and shout...

hey there mr hinduist, merry fucking christmas
drink eggnog and eat some beef, and pass it to the missus
in case you haven't noticed it's jesus's birthday
so get off your heathen hindu ass and fucking celebrate

now i heard that in japan everyone just lives in sin
they pray to several gods and put needles in their skin
on december twenty fifth all they do is eat a cake
and that is why i'll go to japan and walk around and say...

hey there mr shintoist, merry fucking christmas
god is gonna kick your ass, you infidelic pagan scum
in case you haven't noticed, there's festive things to do
so lets all rejoice for jesus, and merry fucking christmas to you

on christmas day i travel round the world and say
taoists, krishnas, buddhists, and all you atheists too
merry fucking christmas to you

——————

well i'll tell you what,
maybe we should have ourselves a little christmas, right here
c'mon everybody, gather round!

string up the lights and light up the tree, we're gonna make some revelry
spirits are high, so i can tell, it's christmas time in hell!
demons are nicer as you pass them by, there's lots of demon toys to buy
the snow is falling and all is well, it's christmas time in hell!

there goes jeffrey dahmer with a festive christmas ham
after he has sex with it, he'll eat up all he can
and there goes john f kennedy caroling with his son
reunited for the holidays, god bless us, everyone!
everybody has a happy glow, let's dance in blood and pretend it's snow!
even mao tse tung is under the spell, it's christmas time in hell!

[satan] adolf, here's a present for you!
[hitler] oh? ein tannenbaum?!
[satan] yes, ein tannenbaum!

god cast me down from heaven's door to rule in hell forevermore
but now i'm kinda glad that i fell, cuz it's christmas time in hell!
here's a rack to have the stockings on, we still have to shop for genghis khan
michael landon's hair looks swell, it's christmas time in hell!

there's princess diana holding burning mistletoe
over poor gene siskel's head, just watch his weenie grow!
for one day we all stop burning, and the flames are not so thick
all the screaming and the torture stops as we wait for old saint nick!

so string up the lights and light up the trees, we're damned for all eternity
but for just one day, all is well, it's christmas time in hell!
get a toast together and make it quick, we gotta make room for andy dick
wake his mother and ring the bell
it's christmas time...
christmas time...
it's christmas time in hell!