guess what time it is?
if you guessed "...fuck, not more football",
put on the crown, today you're the king
the college football regular season is almost officially over,
so what better way to celebrate than hardcore raging?
it is, after all, what you've come to expect from me
so why deny you all that you've come to love and cherish

first up, fired coaches
you've gotta hand it to athletic directors these days
they've got to be some of the most efficient people on the face of the earth
three coaches were confirmed fired before noon on sunday, NOON
that's some pretty quick decision making
really, ads? couldn't even get through the weekend before making announcements?
what happened to announcing that shit on monday morning?
christ, at least give the coach you're firing a day to clear out his desk
btdubs, for those that are wondering,
the three coaches are ron zook [illinois], turner gill [kansas], and larry porter [memphis]
at the moment, those are the only three that are confirmed
and OH BOY, are there a shit ton more on their way
if following college football has taught me anything,
it's to expect double digit coach firings in the two weeks after the season ends
and we've started the carousel srong this year with a nice trifecta
who's next, i wonder?

i'm not one to normally speculate on the future of coaches
mostly because i find it pedantic and usually pretty mean–spirited
[these are, after all, people, and regardless of how you feel about them,
they deserve a modicum of respect and dignity, even in being fired]
but man oh man, this year's projected slate is MASSIVE
from all i've been able to garner from at least quasi–credible sources,
[and yes, espn, that absolutely includes you]
here's the 'possibly fired/hotseat' coaches list:
4 from the big 12, 2 from the big east, 3 from the b1g
4 from conference usa, 3 from mac, 2 from mountain west, 4 from pac12,
3 from sec, 2 from sun belt, and 2 from wac
that, ladies and gents, is a full 29 coaches
29 men with the massive media spotlight shining right in their eyes
surely that many people don't deserve to be fired
so how about we just collectively chill the hell out, hmm?
i'm sure the school will fill us in very soon
[since they are loathe to wait so long]

and since everyone else is blowing up the interwubs with it,
this is my two cents on urban meyer:
urban, you're being an ass
if you think florida was stressful and detrimental to your health,
then you ain't seen nothin' yet
how could ohio state possibly be any less stressful than that?
also, i hope your girls and wife enjoyed the past 11 months with you,
cuz they'll probly never see you again
so much for being a family man and spending more quality time with them, eh?
please, do me and the rest of the big ten a favor:
actually spend some time with your family, look after yourself,
and fuck's sake, stay the hell out of my conference

in other football news,
my b1g champsionship prediction is half wrong, much to our collective chagrin
[thanks a lot, penn state, for proving me SUPER WRONG
maybe it was your succesful wildcat plays last week at ohio state,
but i believed you could kick ass on the road
guess last year wasn't an offensive fluke after all]
i gotta say, i'm not nearly as excited as everyone else about this rematch
first off, i'm not a fan of post–season rematchs of regular–season games
they just aren't as enjoyable as the first time around,
and they tend to get WAY over–hyped [case in point, '97 sugar bowl]
plus, who wants to see the same game twice in one season?
college football's season is already short enough,
why cheapen it with rematches?
secondly, i wanted a match up with penn state SO BAD
that would've a great goddamn game
the big ten's two best defenses going head to head on a neutral field?
i'd watch that so hard ALL DAY LONG
and what self–respecting team could pass up the chance to play penn state?
seryusly, i'd take them over wisconsin any day

secondly, and this is related,
am i really going to have to put up with this 'msu's inferior' bullshit AGAIN?
how fucking stupid and/or blind are you people?
beyond the fact that msu has TWICE derailed wisconsin's perfect season dreams,
they've played better on the road than wisconsin has
msu has beaten ohio state, iowa, and northwestern on the road
wisconsin has beaten illinois and minnesota on the road
msu has the league's top–ranked defense, wisconsin the top–ranked offense
there is no plausible way you can say that either team is superior
they're virtually even as far as talent and on–field performance
yes it'll be a hard–fought game, and yes msu might lose
but to count msu out before it begins is foolish to the point of idiocy
might i remind all of you that msu was counted out of the 10/22 game?
might i remind you that msu wasn't predicted to win the legends division?
and might i remind i remind you that both of those were proven wrong?
so please, give credit where credit is due
and admit that wisconsin will meet its match in indianapolis
because it will, and i'm gonna watch every second of it

finally, a message to michigan football:
thank you, thank you, thank you
thanks for finally giving me a michigan team i can root for
thank you for FINALLY ending that ridiculous streak against ohio state
and thanks for helping the state of michigan to its most successful b1g season ever
it was about fucking time you guys played like a michigan team,
and not some pansy half–southern whining spread–offense–running sons o' bitches
remember how i said that michigan playing well makes msu better too?
well, i'm glad you took it to heart
you guys actually played like you wanted to win, and then did it
[i bet a few of you had forgotten what that felt like]
too bad you hadn't thought to get brady hoke four years ago, eh?
at any rate, congrats on a stellar season, and good luck in your bowl game
[p.s.—if/when msu wins the b1g championship on saturday,
i hope you guys get the bcs at–large bid,
that way the b1g's bcs contingent is pure michigan
i could totally live with that]



inside the labyrinth walls there lies a tiny child who sleeps alone
and as the daylight falls the wind becomes so wild across the stone
for i have made her prison be her every step away from me
and this child i would destroy if you tried to set her free

so come to me, my love, i'll tap into your strength and drain it dry
can never have enough, for you i'd burn the length and breadth of sky
for it's my thoughts that bind me here, it's this love that i most fear
and this child i would destroy, for i hold her pain most dear

no haven for this heart, no shelter for this child in mazes lost
heaven keep us apart, a curse for every mile of ocean crossed
for i must die for what i've done, a twist of fate, a desert sun
for i see what i destroy, sweet reflection knife into me
for i see what i destroy, i can see what i've begun



i did something last night that i thought i never would:
i actually made myself a twitter
this may strike some of you as a surprise
[given my vocal opponence to posting statuses online
see: my moratorium on facebook statuses]
but i may yet find it convenient and useful
that or it'll rot away like so many unused websites of yesteryear
[i'm lookin' at you, myspace and aol]
so let's collectively begin the grand experiment that is me on the twitterverse,
and begin with the obligatory webspeak:

now that i got that out of the way,
here's the actual link:
[in case, for some reason, you're averse to clicking the one at right]
you'll notice that the name is the same as both this blog AND my facebook
[or, as mr michael calls it, teh fezbuk]
yes, i am that unoriginal,
but it also makes it easier to find my collective online presence,
which really only facilitates a ridiculous, unachievable pipe dream i have,
namely that someday i'll be like stephen fry
a boy can dream, right?

we begin today with a romp around the interwubs,
cuz it's little more than my virtual playground
so let's take a romp through the psychotic sandbox, shall we?

first up: FUHBAL, because i fucking can
after enduring a hilariously awful plummet into the depths of football hell,
the arizona wildcats fired their coach, mike stoops, partway through the season
despite my unrestrainable apathy towards them and their football team
i suddenly find myself vaguely interested in their future,
because as a replacement, they hired rich rodriguez
which is possibly the only act that could make the entire michigan fanbase gag at once
what surprises me, though, is not that they got him
it's that they got him considering what his strength[s] are
richrod is by and large an offensive guy
say what you will about his michigan squads [and believe me, i could say a lot],
he honed that offense into quite the machine
that surprises me because from what i've seen, arizona's offense was fine
they've got a good quarterback in nick foles, their receiving corps is explosive,
but their defense was what was getting them into trouble
so why you'd get an offensive–minded coach is beyond me
though maybe his choice in defensive coordinator will be better this go–around
at any rate, i'll be interested to see how his tenure goes
he'll be on a shorter leash, given his issues at michigan
but his time at west virginia, as we've collectively forgotten, was very succesful
maybe arizona will provide him the clemency he needs

in other news,
politically minded folk are up in arms at maine and wisconsin republicans
[...not that this is out of the norm, mind you]
but this time, it's for a reason i'm kinda in favor of
many of you are aware that we have both federal– and state–level child labor laws
what you may not know is that we have them for a goddamn reason
children shouldn't be made to do dangerous work when they are still developing,
they should be compelled to work instead of going to school,
and they shouldn't spend as much time at work as they do at school
gilded and progressive era activists and politicians were able to recognize that,
and passed legislation to limit its scope
in the currently–popular trend of reducing the federal gov't to a drooling husk,
certain states politicians are trying to scale back the scope of child labor laws,
in maine, for example, some are trying to make the following changes in maine:
—eliminating maximum # of working hours for 16+ y/0 students during school days
—establishes a 'training wage' $2/hr lower than minimum wage for the first 180 days for everyone under 20
—removes certain exemptions from disallowed labor for minors

speaking of trying to reduce child labor laws,
wisconsin is trying to do something similar
the downside of federal child labor laws is that they're kind of antiquated
they haven't been kept as up–to–date as the state laws over the past few decades
as such, they're not particularly stringent or comprehensive
because of that reality,
states have passed their own child labor laws that are more restrictive and specific
apparently, though, the state of wisconsin's ruling party no longer cares for them
the wisconsin grocers association proposed scaling back their child labor laws,
essentially taking away all specifics to make it identical to the federal law
and it was added to the state's budget proposal

i'm not sure about the rest of you,
but i'm not a fan of this particular trend
if we as a society have decided that, with childhood, education is more important than work,
[which, by the way, we have, what with our public school system and all]
then we have to stick by it
you can throw out arguments about how teens aren't children,
or that teens will need the work experience and/or the money,
or that they need to be 'graced' into the world of work,
but it basically comes down to this:
as a child/teen, your singular legal priority is to attend and graduate from school
and your parents are legally obligated to care for you until you do
if you want to start working when you're 16, fine
but it needs to not consume your life to the point of being detrimental to school
when you reduce the restrictions on the kind of work you can do as a minor,
you're basically incentivizing working over getting an education
not to mention you're glutting the labor market with cheap labor
[which really does wonders for unemployment, let me tell you]
and to mention the fact that if you work for pay when under 18,
you're being taxed without representation by being under the voting age
ultimately, there are too many potential negatives with scaling back these laws
and if nothing else, we need to remember this:
if we did it once, we'll do it again
if kids once worked in canneries and factories, they will again
and it will benefit no one

in other news,
i'm FINALLY all caught up on the big bang theory
the last episode i remembered watching was the season 4 pilot,
and while everyone else i knew kept up on it,
i let it fall by the wayside like the slacker i am
but, with fluke free time thanks to a crippling bought of writer's block,
i decided to catch up, and spent 8 hours on sunday watching season 4,
and a decent amount of yesterday watching season 5
i now know what in fuck's name is going on in geekland once more
and i am the better for it
hozallah and praise be

to bring this post full circle,
it's time to return to football, because i fucking can
sweet and holy jesus was the bcs beat up this weekend
christ on a bike
4 top ten teams lost [one of them by an embarrassing margin],
a number of teams won when they weren't supposed to,
and somehow texas and auburn are still listed in the top 25
[to which i say: ...are you fucking kidding me?
both have four losses and in the bottom half of their respective conferences
unbiased rankings my hairy ass]
and as a result of all that nonsense,
the sec west has the top 3 bcs spots [lsu, alabama, and arkansas]
again... are you fucking kidding me?
if that happened to any other conference or division,
the football world would collectively cry foul and boycott the bcs
i don't even have words for how much this irritates the bejeezus out of me
because this means that the sec is basically shoed in to the national championship
both spots, not just one
i would bet tons of money that if arkansas beats lsu on saturday,
all that happens is that they switch spots, maybe bump alabama down
and we'd still have an all–sec national championship
i dunno about you, but i'm tired of this shit

i say it here and now, for all to see
if the sec gets both spots in the national championship,
i'm boycotting the bcs [with the exception of the rose bowl if msu or psu play]
and i'd ask you to as well
there's no reason for them to keep taking advantage of us
i want quality teams from all over that are deserving to play in the championship,
not just whoever wins the goddamn sec championship
i might make a concession to lsu, because they did have a tough schedule this year,
but i refuse to believe alabama or arkansas are on par
stanford, ok state, and oregon have played just as well, if not better
[okay, maybe oregon's a stretch at this point]
even so, if we're gonna have a one loss team in the national title game,
[cuz god forbid undefeated houston play in it]
i would much rather see stanford/lsu, lsu/ok state, or even stanford/ok state
c'mon people, there are tons of great teams out there
give me a title game i'll actually want to watch,
not whatever sec team tickles your balls this week

slightly related to this topic:
the big ten
msu's holding steady in the mid–teens, which is fine with me
the only good game they've played since nebraska was iowa
[though this weekend at northwestern is a guaranteed good time]
michigan, wisconsin, penn state, and nebraska round out the top 25's B1G contingent
and ya know what, i don't give a shit about all that's gone down this month
i stand by my earlier prediction for the championship in indy
msu and penn state all the way, and msu to the rose bowl
and it will be so sweet
[also, make sure you watch big ten football this week:
michigan/ohio state, iowa/nebraska, msu/northwestern, penn state/wisconsin
tell me THAT isn't a slate worth spending a weekend on the couch for
sec, you can take arkansas/lsu and shove it
i'll take the heroes game, penn state, msu/northwestern, or the game any day



we live in michigan
most of you are from michigan
many more have spent a significant amount of time in michigan [e.g. me]
as such, i am utterly baffled by your anger at the weather
it is ALWAYS this cold in mid–november
it ALWAYS snows way before thanksgiving
and there's ALWAYS a few times when it snows randomly in the middle of the day
so why the FUCK are you constantly so angry about it?
you are more than powerless when it comes to the weather,
so what good is bitching gonna do?
seriously, this happens EVERY FUCKING YEAR
why is it always a fresh bout of hell every fall?
so please, at the risk of sounding like an angry and intolerant man,
shut the hell up and quit your bitching
it's michigan, this is it how it goes, get over it

now that i got that out of the way,
[sweet and holy jesus, girl sitting in front of me
shut the fuck up right now
no one cares how cold you are]
today is going to be a random mashup
because why the fuck not?
i'm not gonna throw any links up today, though
because i don't really want the random spamming to continue
but, rest assured that my reporting is accurate

today i found out that there is a mountain range completely under an ice sheet
it's called the gamburtsev range [stress on the first syllable],
and it's roughly the size of the alps
they're roughly 4 kilometers below the antarctic ice sheet,
and scientists believe they are over a billion [!] years old
based on the studies they've undertaken the past seven years,
said scientists believe they were originally created from 'rodinia',
the supercontinental precursor to pangæa
[rodinia comes from the words 'rodina' (mother) and 'rodit' (to give birth)]
then, as the supercontinent changed over the millenia,
stresses and erosion cut down the mountain range's size,
which was then rejuvenated with continental separation and warming trends
as glaciers began to retreat, and the continents continued to shift,
the gamburtsevs got buried under a 2.5 mile thick layer of ice,
where it currently resides today
cool, no?
also, they've found lakes down there too
the closest one to the gamburtsevs is called 'lake vostok'
[i love how much russian is involved with these mountains]

random segue #1
direct quote from classmates regarding two kirk cousins articles in the state news:
girl: "i liked him a lot more before he got all religious and stuff"
guy: "yeah, i know, he went all tebow on us. he tebowed us!"
[for the record,
kirk cousins has been a deeply religious guy his entire time at msu
just cuz you didn't pay attention to it doesn't mean it randomly sprouted up
plus, from post game comments and conferences i've seen him in,
he's more likely to give credit for sports success to dantonio and his teammates, not god
he doesn't view msu as 'god's team' or that the football team is for proselytizing,
he just has a deep faith and is vocal about its impact on his life
and believe you me, he isn't going tebow
i haven't seen any chapters/verses written on kirk's eye black
can't say the same for ol' timmy boy]

back to sports
two years ago, msu's women's basketball team recruited a girl named madison williams
a 6'7" center from detroit county day,
she's was michigan's 2010 gatorade player of the year,
and made usa today's second–team all–america team
thus, she was a huge recruit for them to get
then, at the beginning of last season, she tore her right acl
she ended up sitting out the season and redshirting
cut to this season:
having recovered from her injury and surgery, and wearing a brace on her right knee,
she gets the starting center job
then, only three games into the season, she goes down and tears her left acl
and is again done for the season and will again need surgery
talk about a terrible bout of luck
i hope she can stay injury free next year
our team will really need her

speaking of basketball,
apparently the nba lockout continues unabated
i'll be the first to admit that i'm not following it,
and also that i don't give even a hundredth of a shit about it
i've never liked professional basketball, so i'm not missing out on anything
also, it feels like everyone involved is just trying to show up the nfl
after football's months–long lockout that had everyone on pins and needles,
i guess the nba was feeling left out and wanted to get some attention
news flash, pro basketball:
college basketball is better, and way more people watch it
believe me when i say that you won't be missed if you forgo this season
personally i'd prefer if you did, but that's just me

also, i just read an article correlating intelligence and heavy drinking
from what i've been able to glean from the actual articles
[which were surprisingly difficult to find]
cognitive function can be a latent factor in how often you drink
this finding is the result two decades–long studies, one in the uk and one in the us
they controlled for a huge number of demographic variables [even life satisfaction],
and found that intelligent children are more likely to develop a propensity to drink heavily
in the british study,
they found that 'dull' children are much less likely to develop that same propensity
children considered 'very dull' were .5 below standard deviation for frequent drinking,
while children considered very bright were .4 above s/d
and that result was found in both studies for all ages groups
seriously, an almost 1 pt difference between dumb and brilliant kids
when they came back to those same british kids decades later,
they found that differential had stayed virtually the same
the american results basically mirror that finding,
the only difference being that 'very bright' children were only about .25 above s/d
beyond all the pop–psychology bullshit nonsense this will foster,
there are some very interesting implications that can come out of these findings
i can't wait to see the follow up studies

a texan invented deep fried beer
deep. fried. beer.
apparently it's a bit of guinness in middle of a pretzel dough ball,
which is then dunked in 375º oil for about 20 seconds,
as repugnant as this sounds, i want to try it
anyone up for a texas road trip?

here's a fun fact:
in the last five days,
call of duty's latest iteration has grossed almost $800 MILLION dollars
...are you fucking kidding me?
it's a first person shooter that [to me] doesn't look that different from the other two
and not only is it the third modern warfare game,
it's the eighth call of duty game
sweet jesus, how many war fps can we possibly need?
call me a snob [or an idiot or what have you],
but need more than just some contrite, semi–futuristic plot to satisfy my needs as a gamer
i mean, come on, it's only set four years from now,
and it's set during world war III [...really? you're that unoriginal, activision?]
if you're gonna get an fps, get one that brings something unique to gamplay
like left4dead, half–life, portal, bioshock, fallout, SOMETHING ELSE
don't just settle for yet another call of duty game

i'm sure there's more i could cover,
but class is over and i'm hungry

apparently i was wrong
theory #2 wasn't confirmed,
considering this post went through the roof too
i'm not sure what the hell is going on, but i don't like it


¿por qué?

okay, i'm not really sure what's going on,
but this blog has been BLOWING UP on the interwubs the past two days,
and three non–sites are the reason for all the traffic
i'm not really sure what's going on,
but i have a theory [well, two actually]:
one, i accidentally got myself listed on some ad–spamming site, or
two, some ad–spamming site is leeching off the links i've been posting

i dunno why this is happening now all of a sudden,
but i'm trying to figure that out
this post is actually serving a dual purpose
not only am i giving voice to my confusion,
but i'm also experimenting with theory #2 [note the lack of links]

theory #2 is confirmed


there is a tiny voice and it says "i love you"
on an old cassette tape, you know it
we're always older now and we still love each other,
but now we share our hearts with others

if i could tell you just one thing, it's that you're beautiful
and there's no need for changing,
like that old cassette playing over and over
until it finally sets in

and it doesn't really matter that much to me
cuz what you want for yourself isn't what i want for me
so it doesn't really matter that much to me
except when i think about your broken heart



i realize that on halloween i promised a rundown of ceremonials
[the new florence + the machine cd]
as much as i'd love to do so,
ultimately whatever words i use wouldn't do it justice
so instead, let me say this:
give this song a good listen,
and then make up your own mind about whether to get it
if your mind is like mine,
then you'll have the download queued up before the song ends

in addition to the florence post,
i've had a few other ideas floating around in my head
i've been tempted to do another music post,
offer a take on some current events
maybe even do a post on my life at the moment
[on reflection, i realized i haven't done one of those in a while]
but i think i'm gonna revert to what i harangue about best: football

also, as much as i'm temped to do so,
i won't be doing a post about the ever–worsening situation at penn state
partially because i don't feel like i have anything to add
the indictment was barely handed down before the media exploded with the story
cut to a week [A FUCKING WEEK] later,
and the amount of damage has grown exponentially
too many people are talking about it to make anything new have an effect,
and i doubt what i have to say would go over too well
so let's you and me make a deal:
you wait until some sort of case proceeding actually begins,
and i'll do my best to give you an honest appraisal of the whole thing

so, what is there to talk about in the realm of msu sports?
just a little bit about breaking streaks,
something about win records,
and oh yeah, a game on a FUCKING AIRCRAFT CARRIER
i dunno about you, but i'm a fan of all the attention
always nice when our teams get some well–deserved notoriety

as i noted first,
the game at iowa was a streak breaker for msu football
they hadn't won there since 1989, a time when i couldn't even say the word 'football'
[which, in retrospect, is a depressing thought]
iowa had been their own particular 'house of horrors' within the big ten
[note to self: post on that?]
having lost seven straight games there,
some by embarrassingly large margins [see last year]
but now, like their losing streak at ohio state, it has come to an end
now all they've got to do is keep winning there
...if only it was that easy

also, for the second consecutive year,
msu's senior class leaves as the winningest class in football
last year it they achieved 33 wins, this year with 34
[with the possibility of four more]
i don't know about the rest of you, but i think that's pretty fucking impressive
beyond the impressive task of getting a class to that plateau
dantonio did it twice, in back–to–back years
if ever there was something to prove how much he changed the team's dynamic,
it would be this
regardless of what some will say about msu,
you can't deny that he's turned a perennial underachiever into a winner
they aren't elite, and they aren't national championship contenders
but they are upper echelon, and they are conference contenders
and that's good enough for me, for now

as a non–football aside,
if any of you didn't get to see the carrier classic game on veterans day,
man did you miss a good one
i'm really glad it lived up to its billing
yeah, they did lose, but that's how it goes when you play the #1 team
even so, they really played the shit out of that game
all in camo–patterned uniforms
even non–college basketball fans i know thought it was awesome
i'm just glad we got to be a part of it
that being said, i also hope they don't make this a thing
let it be an awesome one–time deal
just like the basketbowl, and just like the cold war
don't try to cheapen it by making it a yearly event [like everything fucking else]
just let it live on in its own right

another thing has happened lately that has been kind of surprising:
i've started rooting for michigan again
[not against msu, of course, i know where my loyalties lie]
it's not that i wasn't expecting to ever again,
it's that i wasn't expecting to do so so soon
and there's a perfectly legitimate reason to do so:
michigan playing well reflects better on msu

when it comes to sports, teams thrive on rivalries
it's impossible to find a sport that doesn't have them
everything from rugby to cricket [which i'm convinced isn't actually a thing] and beyond
it's what makes some teams get through the season
everything in texas is a warmup to the oklahoma game
in pittsburgh, the focus is always on west virginia,
and nothing boils the blood in washington quite like playing oregon
but beyond the inherent competitive and endorphine rush,
the competition makes the teams better all–around
consider the following:
michigan is the winningest football program in division I [both wins and win %]
ohio state is #6 in total wins and #3 in overall win %
the fact that both teams are so good is what makes the rivalry intense and watchable
would the same be true if both teams were god awful?
forget the fact that they've played each other over 100 times
would we care at all if these teams were perennial bottom feeders?
no, we wouldn't, and rightly so
the same holds true with the paul bunyan trophy

the problem for msu is relatively straightforward:
historically, they just weren't as good as michigan
[let the flaming commence]
they had an incredible period of dominance in the 1950s and '60s,
and saw a pretty decent resurgence in the late '80s and late '90s,
but the in between periods tend to languish in mediocrity,
while over the same periods michigan was consistently good
while msu did win during their down periods [like 1978 and 1990],
michigan had much more recurring success
then came the divergent year of 2007

in 2007, both teams hired new coaches
msu fired a terrible coach before the end of the season,
michigan replaced an incredibly successful coach ready to retire
and man they could not have had more difference in their impacts
mark dantonio has enjoyed success not seen since george perles in the '90s
and rich rodriguez had the most stunningly disastrous career of any michigan coach
that utter lack of success was exactly the void msu needed to further its success
if michigan hadn't floundered, i don't think msu would be as successful as it is
it offered msu better opportunities for recruiting, for serious competition,
and most of all for signature wins
[whether michigan is down and out or not,
winning in ann arbor is always a signature win]

the problem with those wins is that many see them as conditional
eloquently summed up as:
"harglblargh you guyz aren't that great pssht you suck
michigan gon' kick yer ass when they get better just you wait littel brother!!!1!1!1!!!!111
[note: i may or may not have exagerrated that statement slightly]
and despite who usually spouts that particular wisdom,
[namely people i don't like and/or i think are stupid]
there is some truth to it
msu absolutely took advantage of michigan being the indiana kind of terrible
[seriously, michigan, the cleveland browns were better than you
it took until 2010 for you to win more games in a season than them]
but that's also to msu's credit
it would've been very much in character for msu to continue missing opportunities,
but they stepped up and actually positioned themselves to be the best team in the state
and they've done so for the past three years to great success,
culminating in last year's big ten championship
and now it's time for them to take the next step
and for them to do that, michigan needs to step up as well

with brady hoke at the helm,
michigan is finally in a position to be good again someda
[they aren't there yet, what with it being his first year and all]
and i hope that day comes sooner rather than later
i've been yearning for real, equal competition in this rivalry for a while
and i can't wait until both teams start coming into the game ranked every year
both have the past two years [overrated michigan squads aside],
and it absolutely needs to continue
that's the only real way msu erases all doubts about its legitimacy
[cuz sadly, beating notre dame is no longer good enough to do that]
and yes, playing a good michigan will invariably include us losing
but i would gladly lose to a good michigan squad if they play competitively
[and, of course, we win plenty of other games to offset the loss]
i want this interstate rivalry to smack of the iron bowl and the civil war,
not the bedlam series or notre dame–navy

so, michigan, this is your official call–to–arms
get your shit together [which you've been doing decently at thusfar],
put more quality games in your win column,
and bring it the fuck on
give us heartbreaking losses and empowering wins,
and remember that you're michigan, not the richrod academy of football shame
and give msu a team to be proud of beating [or losing to]
for all of our sakes



after spending the better part of a month and a half doing regular posts,
not putting anything up for a week feels really odd,
though i suppose it was inevitable
i just wasn't meant for long–term regular posting,
as evidenced by my relatively low numbers from the past four years
at any rate, here i be, ready to placate what audience i have

i had a couple different ideas about what to write for today,
but after a number of different things struck my irritation,
[including but not limited to: my inability to fucking type]
i decided that today is 'open letter day'
so please, read my ramblings
but if any of you are people this is applicable to,
i'm going to biotic kick you in the teeth

with that in mind,
let's start this off the right way:
dear bioware and creators of mass effect:
stop making such addicting games
i'm already facing the prospect of not being able to play mass effect 3
if i find out that it puts the previous to games to shame,
garrus–envy–rage boner is going to rage fuck you TO. DEATH.
so please, keep doin' what chu doin'
but for the sake of my sanity, don't keep talking about it,

dear people everywhere:
if we're in a narrow stairway and you people are walking two–abreast,
it means i can't fucking get around you
thus, when i glare at you for being in my way,
don't get pissy, just move out and let me by
it's pretty simple, especially with that 'keep to the right' mantra
in fact, you should be doing it all the time
if for some reason that strikes you as bizarre and alien,
i refer you to the following training video: sidewalking, by michael jordan
[the cool one, not the basketball player]
the beginning is especially succinct at getting my point across
kthnxbai fuck you

dear american citizens,
today is election day,
that means it's time to enact one of those constitutional liberties
as much as i believe in doing some measurable amount of civic duty,
just remember this little tidbit:
if you vote for something/someone, and it turns out to be shit
that burden is on YOU
and you don't get to bitch about it, because you facilitated its existence
so please, make good decisions today in the voting booth
cuz god knows no one else is gonna

speaking of voting,
dear citizens of ohio:
please make sure you repeal sb5 by voting 'no' on issue 2
under most prevailing circumstances i would keep my politics to myself
but come on
i don't really care what your opinion of unions and organized labor is,
any time you restrict workers ability to voice themselves is a serious transgression
if you aren't allowed to strike and aren't allowed to bargain collectively in good faith,
you lose the ability to speak out if your employer is transgressing you
again, regardless of your opinions on labor, that's what those are meant to do
allow you to speak out against things you believe to unfair at work
and doing this to public employees is a SERIOUS limitation of rights
if the government is your employer, and you aren't allowed to protest its treatment of you,
it gives off a vibe that's dangerously close to limiting freedom of speech
and if that wasn't enough,
certain public employees are being pinged to contribute more to their health benefits,
namely public employees that are currrently unionized:
police/fire/emergency, health care workers, teachers, municipal employees, &c
again, regardless of your opinion on organized labor,
i think we can all agree that those are people who often fall are subject to:
understaffing/overworking, being underpaid, and having sometimes hazardous work conditions
i don't know about the rest of you,
but if ANYONE on this earth shouldn't have to pay for health care benefits [at all],
it would be people like that
if you save people from fires, take down criminals, administer health care,
teach/deal with kids, and keep our government running day–to–day,
your employer [said government] should at the very least pay for your healthcare
so, long rant short, you many want to repeal this law
[unless of course all that strikes you as hunky–dory,
in which case don't, but again, i don't want to hear about it if you don't like it]

[also, for disclosure purposes,
i linked to that site because the bill only comes in pdf form
you can download it from the ohio legislature's website if you so desire]

now that i got that off my chest,
let's get back to it, shall we?

dear professors who lecture quietly:
if i can't hear you, i can't learn
simple as that
and if i can't hear you, and i ask for you to speak louder,
i don't appreciate snide responses and looks
it's your goddamn job to be audible so i can figure out what the hell you're talking about
especially if it's something i know nothing about
so please, do me a goddamn favor and project,
don't make me give you a lesson in diaphragmatic control

dear professors who make interesting things boring:
i will slay you if you do it again

dear sports media:
i hate to interrupt whatever sec deep–throating you're doing at the moment,
but i gotta tell ya, the lsu–alabama game hardly lived up to the hype
yes, it was an incredible defensive display
but it was offensively woeful
seriously, neither team got more than 300 total offensive yards?
they combined for 8/24 3rd down conversions?
they both threw two interceptions?
alabama was 2/6 on field goal attempts [are you fucking kidding me]?
lsu's two quarterbacks were 9/17 for 91 yards?
call me a snob but that sounds like a mediocre–encroaching–on–bad game
so much for a titanic duel of the nation's two best teams
i dunno about the rest of you, but this game fails to live up to the 1 v. 2 standard
i'd rather see the 2006 michigan–ohio state game again
the 1996 florida–florida state game
the 1971 nebraska–oklahoma game
the 1945 army–navy game
or the 1966 michigan state–notre dame game
so shut the hell up about it already

back to a serious note,
dear penn state alumni/fans [myself included]:
i understand that this has been the week from hell for you,
and i am in no way diminishing the severity of what's been alleged,
but you've got to take a breath and step back
there's no way to say to say this diplomatically, so here goes:
don't take your anger out on the wrong people, namely joe paterno
yes he has given you plenty of reasons to hold him to a higher standard,
namely decades of the most successful student–athletes in the ncaa,
but you also have to consider his relationship with the accused
this was a man he's known for almost 40 years,
someone he trusted with the care and training of his football team
and someone who apparently has some rather disturbing sexual predilictions
which are now suddenly being paraded for public outrage
do more than put yourself in his position for a minute
what if this scenario happened to you?
what if someone you trusted dearly and were decades–long friends with did this?
despite all your revulsion and shock and anger and sadness,
could you throw them out on their ass like our penal system requires?
i don't blame him for not wanting to make that decision himself
i don't know that i could do that were i in his situation
i'm not absolving him of his culpability, because he is culpable
but that is not for me or you to decide
if it's ultimately found that paterno was involved in the coverup,
and/or that he was responsible for shielding the guy to some extent,
then paterno will step down, whether he wants to or not
because it will be required of him
but you've got to let the process play itself out
because that's what it's there for
it will be hard, and you will probly endure lots of disgust and shame before it's done
but you cannot indict him before/in lieu of the courts
so please, for your own sake as well as my own,
be penn state proud, and let this process proceed to its inevitable conclusion
we will all be the better for it



[today's post is brought to you by: awkwardrealizations.com™]
i found out walking to class that my mustache is longer than i thought
parts of it can actually touch my chin without being pulled
now that i no longer have to grow my beard out to be opie
it's time to kick off no–shave november right:
with a goddamn trim

for the record, i don't participate in no–shave november
partially because i haven't shaved since 2006
so fuck all of you and your worthless 'months'
if you were real men you'd just grow a beard and be done with it,
and not do it under some idiot pretense
especially since your equating yourselves with people who shouldn't grow facial hair
namely guys who have splotchy stubble, guys with porn staches,
and this bag of douche
so just remember ladies and gentlemen
those worthy of beard shall be endowed with its grace
and those who are not shall be resigned to shaving forevermore
so for fuck's sake, enough with no–shave november

moving right along,
if i ever, EVER find out who designed earbuds to be like this
i'm going to retroactively stab them in the eardrum
how in the name of auditory happyness is it supposed to stay in my ear?
seriously, seriously, what's the trick?
i got a pair of earbuds with that design about a month ago
apparently ignorant of my upcoming strife
and have been battling with them every since
i've tried all three different silicone attachments,
but they all just fall out of my ear after about five second of half–assed attempts
i refuse to accept their halfassery,
but i know not how to rectify this situation
does anyone have some sort of epiphanic solution?
or is this the fate i've been consigned to?
because i fucking REFUSE to be bested by a piece of plastic shit
you won this round skullcandy, but you shan't win the war

[here's a question for those of you who've read my writing for a long time:
is my writing style really confusing?
after reading that last paragraph, i'm inclined to think it is
i'll use increasingly abstruse words like epiphanic and shan't (and abstruse)
with increasingly awkward syntactical structure
and then just start swearing for a while before i move on
believe me when i say it's an accurate representation of the way i normally speak,
but i feel like it loses its subtle beauty when i put it in type
any comments from the blogasaurs would be welcome
(apparently that's a thing now)]

in other news,
espn has spent the ENTIRE. FUCKING. DAY. covering lsu's football team
the entire. fucking. day.
as in, 24 hours of highlighting a singular football team
and boy have they been thorough:
they've dedicated time to lsu's dual–qb system [one they lambasted],
their ability to overcome their myriad off–the–field issues,
[and, btudbs, their myriad off–the–field issues]
an appraisal of the entire lsu tigers program
and even les miles's ridiculous habit of chewing on grass
beyond the obvious unfairness to alabama preceding their matchup,
is this really fucking warranted?
i understand that every sports media personality gives lip service sec teams,
[and by that i mean they suck sec cock so deep it wears their appendices as hats]
but this is going WAY overboard
this isn't even the end of their goddamn season
it's only week fucking 9 for them
apparently they've already decided that lsu's our national champ
at least they saved us the stress of having to watch them play
how thoughtful of them
hey espn, can you do something for me?
exhale that long stripy tiger cock from your esophagus,
and report on actual sports news, would ya please?
i know this is your normal m/o,
but i appreciate it when you at least give it a slight veil of legitimacy

speaking of espn,
this was a story they had on their front page around noon
i enjoyed the story less than i enjoyed the top comment:
"bad comparison. the mafia has more consistency in carrying out its discipline."
sad, harsh, and very true

as a parting wish,
i want all of you to go get a copy of the new florence + the machine cd RIGHT NOW
it's fantastic and something you won't regret in the slightest
in fact, it's so very much something you won't regret,
i'm gonna spend my entire next post telling you why you won't
so there
well? go fucking do it