where do we go from here,
now that all other children are growing up?
and how do we spend our lives,
if there's no one to lend us a hand?

where do we go from here,
now that all other children have grown up?
and how do we spend our time,
knowing nobody gives us a damn?

i don't wanna live here no more,
i don't wanna stay;
ain't gonna spend the rest of my life,
quietly fading away.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,
things that they say, honor bright;
if i promise you the moon and the stars, would you believe it?
games people play in the middle of the night.

games people play, you take it or you leave it,
things that they say, just don't make it right;
if i'm telling you the truth right now, do you believe it?
games people play in the middle of the night.



i am sore as shit today
apparently, stabbing the fuck out of someone really tenses the muscles
i'll have to remember to stretch first next time
but in that regard, the movie's finished [at least my part]
so we'll see how it turns out
also, it was cool to hang out with mr mike again
i hadn't seen him since before he left for his internship
i think he's the only '04 senior i still talk to
that's ridiculous, i can't believe i've known him for six years

on that vein, i can't believe i've lived in michigan for six years
it hasn't seemed like i've spent a third of my life here
and yet, i have
we completed the move to mt morris six years ago this week
i spent pretty much until 2005 pining for 'back home'
and since then, i've tried to take what good i can from here
which, around flint, is barely anything,
though there have been a few scant things i'll take with me
but when i do finally leave here, i won't feel the same about it
i won't miss it nearly as much as missed my home town
i suppose i can be thankful for the that fact,
that moving that far won't bother me as much as that first time
i don't think i'll ever ingrain myself that much in one place again
most of me really wants the ability to leave a place quickly
no real ties to cut, no drawn out departures
i don't usually settle down in one place for long, anyway
so we'll see what that brings me
or rather, i will

speaking of six year old things,
my trusty [and incredibly battered] laptop is up for replacement
it's served me well, much better than i ever would've expected
through the many scrapes, slaps, falls, knocks, bangs,
the swearing, the beatings, incessant tapings,
the binder clips on the monitor,
the broken cd–drive housing,
the forever–loose bottom metal covering
and that FUCKING HEADPHONE JACK stuck in my audio jack,
it's stood strong and resilient, ever dependable
and soon, i'll bid it a fond, though not untimely farewell
so long, little buddy,
my first mac and my first laptop
i'll miss you, and hope you enjoy retirement

school is nigh,
and though i'm looking forward to living on my own,
i'm not looking forward to a lack of a/c
also not looking forward to commitments i've made,
but there's really nothing i can do about those
beyond ignoring them, which is tempting
also not looking forward to my school sleep schedule
it's never easy to get back into it after summer
[the ONLY reliably good thing about summer,
besides a ridiculous amount of slurpees,
is my ability to sleep in every day]
but every year it gets harder and harder to revert back
sleep is my version of a long distance relationship:
i only get it when i go back home,
and i'm gone so long i forget what it's like to get it on a regular basis

i can't wait until i turn 21
then, instead of writing things like this,
i can just drink 'till i pass out
who says unhealthy behavior isn't preferable?
i'll take an alcoholic stupor to dealing with my thoughts any day



the movie project seems to progressing along steadily
we'll wrap up on saturday [hopefully]
then i can return to my last two weeks of nothing
which i will savor by doing... nothing

despite how much i like east lansing,
i don't like being here in the summer
something about it doesn't seem right to me
i just feel like i need to be somewhere else,
doing something completely removed from school
plus, i feel being here all year around erodes the novelty;
i've always felt that e/l is a novel place, for me at least
and that novelty is just being here for eight months a year
or, maybe i'm just being stupid

i'm looking forward to finally putting windows on my computer
all my games from 5–10 years ago are again within my reach
and i'm gonna play the shit out of them all over again, goddamn it
because those were the good ol' days of gaming
and i miss them



considering my unending need for money
and the fact that i don't have a job [still]
i've decided to take a different approach
i'm going to follow in the footsteps of the us government
[that fine and exemplary institution]
my plan is as follows:

–i'll announce my plan to accomplish a ridiculous feat [in this instance, i'll use hiking to venezuela], while explaining how it will benefit everyone in the long run [my experiences traveling there will give me a new world view, one which is much more accurate and capable of tackling today's tough social dilemmas]

–following that, i'll layout how much i estimate that i'll need [i'm gonna ballpark it around $100,000, just because]. since i only have ~$200 on me, i'll amend that by saying i'll pay all costs accrued at a later date when i do have it

–to pay for my trip, i'll pick about 1000 adults at random and send them the bills for everything i rack up, with a decent explanation of what i was doing. given the variety, most will not support my activities, and angrily declare that they aren't going to pay for it. i might get lucky and have ten pitch in considerable sums because "it's important to support everyone's hopes, dreams, and goals in this uncertain time"

–in response to the adults who don't pay my way, i'll publicly lambast them for being unfeeling to the more financially destitute, and label them as misers who don't care about the country as a whole. following that, i'll contact wealthier people i do know and complain how certain people aren't allowing me to live up to the potential good i can do for myself and others. i'll play to their sympathies, and likely end up with somewhere around $300,000

–i'll proceed to blow the money on junk food, various electronics, and other useless things that don't help me or anybody else, wait for the money to be wrung dry, then whine that a lack of support has left me unmotivated to accomplish my dreams. public outcry from a small but vocal group of supporters will then push me to repeat the process, this time with a loftier, more ridiculous goal, and needing even more money.


i think i need to look into internships for next summer
i've spent too many summers at home
i think just being here unmotivates me to do anything productive
i have plenty of food, shelter, security,
and if i run out of cash i can bum some from my parents
perhaps working for a summer away from here will do the trick
that or it i'll just get lazy, forget to do it, then come back here anyway

the semester is approaching quickly,
which i honestly could care less about
after the nonstop fervor of last semester
i really haven't been thinking much of school
i think my schedule's gonna quickly ease itself into a nice routine
one right on the cusp of 'just enough work to do'
hopefully, with a job of some sort,
and the steadiness of classes,
i'll just settle into a nice, relaxing daily routine
i think i deserve it by this point

and, of course, the eternal question remains:
will living alone turn me into a complete recluse?
or will i just be slightly more reclusive than i am now?
only time [and people who come to bother me] will tell