kernel panic

i never realized there was a mac version of the blue screen of death
i know that there is now, because i experienced it
and it wasn't something i enjoyed

basically, upon trying to restart my computer
my laptop said the drivers were missing to start os x
there's a whole litany of technical things to follow
but basically,
file permissions and ownership got screwed up
and my system file no longer possessed the system folder
which means? no working operating system
after trying to repair it in disk utility
then doing an archive install
i wiped my hard drive and started afresh
but, i was able to save virtually all my files
'virtually all' because i forgot a couple of them
like my sticky notes, my adium chat logs, things like that
also, because i needed to be punished for screwing up
my itunes library didn't save right

on the plus side of all this,
i have 29 gigs of free space now, instead of five
my computer is running faster than it was before
and any inconsequential, memory–hogging files are long gone

the downside is that i had to do this in the first place
but i accept the blame for it, because it was my fucking fault
as such
i'm not counting this as a crash
because it wasn't unwarranted, and it wasn't a third party app that did it
regardless of all that
in almost six years, this was the first problem i've had with the software
anyone else who can say that about their computer,
please, make yourselves known to me
because i don't believe anyone else has had that experience
i'm just that awesome, i guess



i need to stop compulsively downloading music
i'm running out space to put it
that and, most of the time,
it turns out to be shit i don't like
so it's probly better if i scale back on that

i had an interesting conversation with a friend of mine
it wasn't really enlightening, it was just...
well, realistic, for lack of a better word
it was about friendship, and the ones i have
i really started to realize that i'm taking the wrong tack on it
i've been making a lot of new friends at msu
most of whom are passing acquaintances at best
i have about 250 msu people on facebook
and i really only know about twenty of them

what bothers me is that i've been doing it a lot
so much so that my old friendships have been waning
that's not to say i didn't expect that
i've told a lot of people to enjoy friendship in the now
because it won't last two years after this
but i've had quite a few that have endured
people who have stuck by me through a lot
for no other reason than because they really liked me
and i've been brushing that aside, like it doesn't matter
well, it does, it really does
basically, i've been substituting people for each other
making friends here who remind me of my old friends
which is completely stupid; there's no reason for it
i've basically been punishing my friends by ignoring them
and that's a real jackass move on my part
like most of mine are

i need to start scaling back on the new people
most of the 'friendships' i've had in the past two years have lacked substance
pretty much all of them are acquaintances of convenience
like a lot of people turn out to be, at least in my case
substituting them for people i actually know and like is stupid
that's not to say i'll drop all friendships i've made here
but most of them i will
most of them aren't worth my time, or their's
and i don't feel like wasting that time

long and boring, i know
but i needed to say it
and there it is



when i am laid, am laid in earth
may my wrongs create
no trouble, no trouble in thy breast
remember me, remember me, but ah
forget my fate



where has that old friend gone
lost in a february song
tell him it won't be long
'til he opens his eyes, opens his eyes
where is that simple day
before the colors broke into shades
and how did i ever fade
into this life, into this life

morning is waking up
sometimes it's more than just enough
and all that you need to love
is in front of your eyes
it's in front of your eyes

sometimes it's hard to find my ground
cuz i keep on falling as i try
to get away from this crazy world

and i never want to let you down
forgive me if i slip away
when all that i've know is lost and found
i promise you, i'll come back to you
one day...

where has that old friend gone
lost in a february song
tell him it won't be long
till he opens his eyes, opens his eyes



i feel nothing i say could sum up my emotional state
i think i've cycled through most of my normal emotions today
all compressed into about six hours
all except sadness, haven't had that one at all
the reason behind that eludes me
i've been hitting the same couple since about lunchtime
anger, resignation, confusion, disillusionment, depravity,
determination, and an odd optimism
i don't know why, i really don't
and i wish i could explain it, but i can't
oh well

after running out of adjectives to dance around the subject
i feel there's only one way to describe 'oppenheimer':
no one has the drive to do well
no one wants to stand out as an actor
they all seemed to just stop caring about a week ago
which is fine, it happens to the best actors
[they, as a group, obviously aren't]
i just wish i could've known they'd be like that sooner
i don't want to have to sit through more of this mediocre crap
i have better things to waste my time with

a subject has resurfaced that i don't particularly care for
people have started commenting about 'if i was straight...' again
i've gotten it at least five times this month
'you know, if you were straight, you'd get so much action'
'man, if you were straight, she'd totally be all over you in a second'
what possibly makes people think that's true?
i am, after all, a bisexual, and people know that
if i wanted to bang someone, i/we would
it's as simple as that
the plain truth is that i just don't want to, i seriously don't
i do flirt with a lot of people; it just seems to [somehow] be my nature
but i rarely feel like going beyond it
i could have a ridiculous amount of sex, but i don't
i just choose not to

and, for the record, people
i don't lead people on to no end, only to disappoint in the end
anyone who's around me a decent amount of time should get that
if i wanted to fuck someone, i make it plainly obvious
such as 'hey, i really want to have sex with you; you want to?'
and if i don't do that, then i don't want to fuck that person
it's a very unambiguous system, and it works
so please, before telling me something like that [yet again]
please, just stop, think, and then let the desire pass
because i'm tired of hearing about it



lær meg å kjenne dine veie
og gå dem trøstig skritt for skritt
jeg vet at hva jeg fikk i eie
er borget gods og alt er ditt
men vil din sterke hånd meg lede
jeg aldri feil på målet ser
og for hvert håp som dør here nede
får jeg et håp i himlen mer

lær meg å kjenne dine tanker
og øves i å tenke dem
og når i angst mitt hjerte banker
da må du kalle motet frem
når jeg har tenkt meg trett til døden
så si hva du har tenkt, o gud
da kan jeg se at mordenrøden
bak tvil og vånde veller ut

men lær meg fremfor alt å kjenne
din grenseløse kjærlighet
den som kan tusen stjerner tenne
når lykkens sol for meg går ned
den tørrer tåren som den skapte
og leger såret som den slo
dens vei går gjennom det vi tapte
den gir oss mere enn den tok



in accordance with today's dinosaur comic
i've decided to adopt a new [slightly altered] mantra
instead of 'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with beef'
i will now use
'as bad as today gets, soon my stomach will be brimming with slurpee'
it fits, what can i say

my sleep cycle's been odd this week
i've been getting my normal amount in halves
like, i'll get half during the night
then take a nap and get the other half
or i'll take one or two naps during the day
i don't really mind, so long as productivity doesn't suffer

i have so much shit to do for 373
i only have 20 days left
also, somehow, in the next two weeks
i'm supposed to get through three more novels
i knew this month would blow



eg veit i himmerik ei borg
ho skin som soli klåre
der er kje synder eller sorg
der er kje gråd og tåre

der inne bur guds eigen son
i herlegdom og æra
han er min trøyst og trygge von
hjå honom eg skal vera

men visst eg veit ein morgon renn
då dødens natt skal enda
min lekam opp or gravi stend
og evig fryd får kjenna

me takker deg til evig tid
gud fader alle saman
for du er oss så mild og blig
i jesus kristus amen


not really sure why i've been writing in here so much lately
must be because i can't write anything else
or maybe i just have nothing else to do

i have the most bizarre relationship with opera
i can't listen to any all the way through, i just can't
though, when i discover an aria of sorts i like
i make myself listen to the whole thing
just so i can get a feel for it
and i hate doing that, but i always do
that, and, searching for someone good to sing is ridiculous
i really don't like the operatic voice
it's too unrefined
too reliant on vibrato, and never given color or support
so i have to search long and hard to find someone i like
it's been happening more lately, not really sure why

i've officially lost track of all sense of time
i can't keep days, weeks, or even months straight
this is the fifth day in a row i've seen 5 am
and i there's no reason for it, any of it
i'm just not keeping myself together anymore
this doesn't bode well for the coming month


în această săptămână

what kind of week it has been:

4 shootings here in the u.s.:
carthage, nc; 8 dead after robert stewart stormed a nursing home
binghampton, ny; 14 dead when jiverly voong sieged an immigration center
pittsburgh, pa; 3 policemen killed by richard poplawski after placing a fake 911 call
graham, wa; 6 dead when james harrison killed his five children and himself, after his wife threatened to leave him

2 earthquakes:
–4.3 magnitude struck san francisco
–6.3 magnitude struck l'aquila [near rome] in italy

a couple other disasters:
–a siege of the lahore police academy leaves 8 insurgents, 5 police, 2 teachers, and a civilian dead
–boats smuggling people across the mediterranean capsize off libya, killing over 300
–flash floods in southern australia trap over 2700 people
–a helicopter crash off the coast of scotland kills 16
–at least 20 are dead following a gold mine collapse in tanzania

–the g20 met in london
nato held it's annual summit in strasbourg and kehl
–a mother in uniontown, pa drugged her daughter, so her boyfriend could get her pregnant
north korea launches its kwangmyŏngsŏng–2 rocket successfully
–mt. redoubt in southern alaska begins to erupt

i'm not sure about the rest of you
but that warrants being called a pretty fucked up week
makes me wonder what the rest of the month's gonna be like

bring it on april, give it your best shot
i want to see what king of shit you'll pull this year, you fuck



i know the pieces fit
cuz i watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering
fundamental differing
pure intention juxtaposed
will set two lovers' souls in motion
disintegrating as it goes
testing our communication
the light that fueled our fire then
has burned a hole between us so
we cannot see to reach an end
crippling our communication

i know the pieces fit
cuz i watched them tumble down
no fault, none to blame
it doesn't mean i don't desire
to point the finger, blame the other
watch the temple topple over
to bring the pieces back together
rediscover communication
the poetry that comes
from the squaring off between
and the circling is worth it
finding beauty in the dissonance

there was a time that the pieces fit
but i watched them fall away
mildewed and smoldering
strangled by our coveting
i've done the math enough to know
the dangers of our second guessing
doomed to crumble unless we grow
and strengthen our communication
cold silence has a tendency to
atrophy any sense of compassion
between supposed brothers
between supposed lovers

i know the pieces fit


nëna shqipëri

my eyes are excruciatingly bloodshot
i understand why the left one is, since i got something in it
but i dunno why the right one's red
it's just irritating

the list for this weekend keeps getting longer
more shit i need to take care of
doesn't help that i'm now having scheduling problems
i'm probly gonna come back monday having accomplished none of it
which would screw me over horribly

i guarantee
if i went to bed right now
i probly wouldn't fall asleep for another hour
such fucking bullshit
i need to sleep
but, no, too much homework
and too much reading and writing

i think my profs are beginning to dislike me
i know zarema does, and i know dr thomas does a little bit
but i feel like my other ones might be as well
and i don't really know why
i'm trying my hardest
i don't really know what else there is i can do

and now, a rhetorical question
one i have yet to answer satisfactorily:
at what point does an unconscious desire become a conscious action?
the gray area in between is where i spend most of my time
yet i can never tell when one become the other



of all the stupid things i was expecting to see today
i enjoyed this one the most

i hope against all things probable
that my meeting with my prof goes well tomorrow
i hope that honors option is possible
cuz i'm running out of options
and i need something to show for myself really soon
and along that same vein
i still need to make a schedule for next year

i'm going to start ritually sacrificing animals
starting small, and eventually progressing in size
i can hope some secondary deity will discover me
i don't want help from them, per se
i just hope my inability to balance my deadlines amuses them
and thus, they keep me alive to continue to entertain
that's really all i ask
sure as hell beats the alternatives

i mentioned to someone tonight how i haven't written anything lately
the last thing i wrote to completion was back in august
the last good thing i wrote was over a year ago
most i've been able to manage lately is the beginnings of things
once or twice i might have gotten about halfway done
but nothing's come to fruition in almost 9 months
dry spells are irritating, but i think this is something more...
i think i'm losing my ability to write fiction
i truly am
every piece i try to start seems to be worse than the last one
i've deleted a lot of story ideas off my computer
i know, it goes against the whole creative process thing to do that
but i don't care, all they do is frustrate me
i think it might be time to call it quits on that
probly not forever, but for the foreseeable future

so, here's to you, creative writing part of my brain
you were helpful when you still worked



it was a beautiful day today
i was probly one of the only people to think so
but it was
and i just let it be, didn't enjoy it at all
probly last one for a while too

i honestly don't know if i'm looking forward to russia anymore
i still want to go
very badly in fact
and i really want to experience life somewhere else
but i dunno if it's really a goal anymore
it's beginning to feel like just another thing i have to do
one more hurdle before i finally get to be done
which is something i was afraid would happen

i really missed denny today for some reason
i have absolutely no idea why
nothing really triggered a memory of him, like it normally happens
must've just been what happened
just makes me think about what he would be like now
i know he would've at least been happy i went to state
would've told me it was about time i switched allegiance
and i never got to tell him i was accepted here
never got to tell him how right he was about this place
never got to apologize for lying to him the last time i saw him
goddamn it, i need to stop doing this

i wish i could just sleep and sleep, and not do anything else
i would love to just sleep this weekend
but i have too much fucking homework
and too many things to get ready for
and too little time to care about any of it

on the upside to all that
i'm not failing any classes
i'm also not doing phenomenally in any of them
i've become a mediocre student
someone please just smack some caring into me