khassar de templari

i actually did have something to say
but i completely blanked on it
my memory has been going lately
and its getting on my nerves
because i dont need memory problems
and i definitely just remembered what i was going to say
it was that my memory has been going lately

something i've not understood
and probly never will
is wearing a suit jacket
not with a suit, just with jeans and a tshirt
i think it looks kinda stupid
maybe its just a way to be scene
or some such ridiculous thing
god only knows

everyone [minus myself, allison and mike]
went home to back to mt morris for homecoming
i guess that isnt everyone, just emily/nick/carter
dont really get why they went, either
none of them really like homecoming
probly was just an excuse to go home [again]

i really want to use my ipod
what with it being new and all
and the fact that i'm getting tired of listening to the same fourteen cds
over and over and over again
soon enough, soon enough


after spending two nights at allison's/emily's
i'm actually going to sleep in my own bed tonight
which i'll appreciate
because i wont be waking up them taking photos of me
those i guess i cant complain
i suppose there's more devious things they could do

i hate getting headaches
they fuckin suck
and i have to stay up until it dissipates
cuz if i go to sleep with a migraine
i'll wake up with it
happens every time

i've actually started writing again
which is good
i went over a year without writing a single thing
i need the creative outlet
since i dont have a piano readily available
and i'm sure my roommate doesnt want to hear me sing
though i'm strapped for creative ideas

speaking of creativity
i really want to take up photography
i dont know why/how i got this urge
but i've always appreciated photos
i love taking them
though most of mine are god awful
and [most] everyone knows photos of me turn out hideous
maybe i just need to have a decent camera
and, you know, learn how to spot things
any thing worth taking a shot of, anyway



how do you spell the dream i had last night
fucking bizarre
jesus christ

apparently i was with two people from middle school
i never really knew them very well [brittany and saryn]
yet we were all swimming in a lake [looking] place
and we took a break
and climb up on this weird rock outcropping
and kept cutting my toe in the same place
everytime i tried to get down then back up
which i did about ten times, for some unknown reason
but we were talking about pretty much everything
people, places, things we had done
the random occurences at the lake
like the random low flying planes
and everyone that happened since i had left
then i dreamed i WOKE UP
and had missed calls from four people
all people i went to middle school with

think my subconscious is trying to tell me something?


apparently, i can't write
or, more specifically
i can't write well
about the book i had to read
i dunno if it goes back to the fact that i suck at life
or the fact that book was HORRID
i'm gonna go with the the book on this one [for once]
because, jesus christ
jane addams wrote a god awful book
fuck child labor

apparently, safari is being a little bitch
and locking up on me
every time i tried to shift-tab up here from the 'labels' thing
itd fucking not respond
methinks its itme to lay panther to rest
before i have to take it out behind a barn and shoot it

theres a long, brown hair thats stuck in one of my notebooks
and i know who it belongs to
or how it got there

if these fucking weather people
keep raising the fucking temperature forecast
severe fucking pain is going to be wrought upon them
with a fucking hammer
i hate hot weather, and the current spell
where's the fucking fall weather?

the stench in the dishroom
its usually unpleasant at its minimum
or, like it was today
pushing unbearable
when i got back to my room
i smelled like i'd been rolling in cadavers
stuffed with rotting/rotted food

i'm waiting for the day
when i actually write something in this
that isnt in the middle of the night
that day isnt today, thats for damn sure


dewey, cheatem, and howe

i wonder how many people know what thats from
feel free to wager a guess

you would think
that a concise, clear statement
intentionally said in a way to erase all ambiguity
such as, 'fuck off, and never, under any circumstance, talk to me again'
would be easy enough to understand
apparently not
because, apparently
some people are too damn stupid to register the meaning
or believe that when i said it, i fucking meant it

i'm tired of the damn hot weather
i want it to be fall again
what with it, you know, being fall now

and, because its worth mentioning
today is dmitri shostakovich's birthday
he'd be 101, if he hadnt been dead since '75

its going to be a long damn week


freud, breuer, and jung

hey, if you feel like reading something
i just wrote something
its probly crap, but you should read it anyway
its called 'doa'

apparently, i'm still wearing my work shirt
i don't know why
i'm also still awake
i don't know why
i didn't do nearly the amount of homework i should've
i don't know why
man, i just suck

and just so i can make this clear
i do actually have insomnia
yes, it is an actual medical condition
so i'm not using it as an excuse to stay up late
and i'm not using it as an excuse to sleep in
plus, when its coupled with my depression
it plays wonderful games with my head
where i stay up ungodly late
feeling like shit
and think about things i've [un]successfully repressed
like i am know
so if i say i feel like like i've been hit by a bus
because i was up half the night
i'm not lying

i have the very unpleasant feeling
that this coming week is really gonna suck
and i hate that
here's hoping i'm wrong, like normal
by the way, did i mention i'm self-deprecating?
because i am

i'm done with this


hey, mike jordan

update your damn blog

i. hate. calculus.
dont care, i hate it
i know people who are good at math
many, actually
and i used to be one of them
apparently, though
i just suck at life [in general]
and calculus [specifically]

after playing tennis two days in a row
i'm kinda sore
not surprising, but i was expecting more pain
mostly because i'm incredibly lazy
and the fact that i can still play tennis?
to put it simply, amazing

went to the study abroad fair on tuesday
and looked through some really interesting programs
and, as it turns out
most of them are about the same price as a normal semester tuition
which would be comforting, if
so, until i very randomly and conveniently become rich
there's no hope for me to go anywhere

i am so ungodly bored right now
i'm watching xplay on g4
which is about as pathetic as it gets
so i'm going to attempt sleep
which will probly fail
good thing i dont have anything before 2 tomorrow



it is fucking HOT again today
fuck a damn cow
what happened to the nice 60º weather of yon weekend past?
damn it
i hate summer
why cant it just die gracefully?

everyone's had the experience of
when someone they know says something
and it immediately triggers a memory, yeah?
well, it happened today in psych
and it was incredibly random
dr karon was talking about shakespeare
and how even he knew something of psychology
when i suddenly remembered:
when i used to do shakespeare during the summers,
one year we did a play [can't remember which one]
where one of the actors had to jump off the back of the stage
and "land" in a lake
well, the stage we used happened to be in front of a lake
so every time he'd jump off the back wall of the stage
he'd land on a big mat
someone would throw a big ass rock into the pond
and someone else would heave a big bucket of water into the air
and i thought it was the greatest thing ever
mustve been about ten years ago
but still, it was bitchin'

ive had 'exultate justi' stuck in my damn head
and it makes me want to die
cuz everytime i hear it in my head
i hear that one spot
where every fucking time the tenors sang it
they would be flat and scoop those fucking sixteenth notes
joe and i would laugh about it every time it happened
but now it's in my head
and it won't fucking go away

speaking of joe
even though he doesn't read this [i don't think]
"smiles! bright eyes! happyness!
assless chaps and bowler hats!"



so, after a month away from home
i appreciate my moms cooking more
cuz, damn
she makes some good fucking food

for history, i have to write a paper
detailing the book we read
we got the assignment last tuesday
i planned to have it done by friday
so i could print it while i was home
did i?
no, because i
am a fucking procrastinator
shall it ever be cured?
since i'm posting this
instead of actually writing it

i realized i haven't had a 'potatoe' in a while
so, denizens of ether, i bring you another:
my friend akemi has a friend named jordan
who just happens to be a diabetic
so, over the weekend
he proceeding to drink himself stupid
then, the next day at meijer
decided to binge on candy and sweets
he was hospitalized earlier today
with a blood sugar level of over 600
which is way too fuckin high
since its not supposed to be over 110
so, jordan, while you try to regain normal body function
and proceed to miss the tests you have tomorrow
enjoy your status as today's 'potatoe'
you deserve it



for honors college, we have 'fireside chats'
which is basically the chance to sit and talk with h/c professors
at their homes, about issues/subjects they teach/specialize in
so i got a good one this weekend
and i cant go
...because i'm not going to be here

you know whats really sad?
truly, incredibly, sad?
when a person, not born in this country
in her fifties, living here for only 15 years
knows more about grammar, sentence structure, and english in general
than her students do
my russian teacher, зарема [zarema], was teaching grammar today
and identifying things like predicate, direct/indirect objects
subjects, nominitive and prepositional cases
and she was getting blank stares from half the class
hows that possible?

there are so many interesting programs/clubs/orgs here
and i keep getting information for them
and every single damn time
i cant go to them
they always have meetings when i fucking work
iro? can't
msumun? can't
hams journal? can't



here i am
2`36 in the morning
on my computer
–i took a nap from 6`30 to 8`30, so this is my body's way of punishing me
–my roommate is snoring like a motherfucker [like he does every night]
–because i'm just naturally an insomniac

i have my music class today
in about 13 1/2 hours
thank god for that class
it keeps me sane
god knows how well i'll hold up next semester
it'll be my first semester without a music class in...
10 years

i dont have to work today
which means i don't have to call in today
which means i won't get docked [again]
which means i better get some fucking sleep
or i'm gonna shoot a puppy
which isn't an option
because i don't have a puppy



so, no fire alarms since friday
apparently, the jackass decided to stop

i haven't been this exhausted in...
christ, not since my period of enlightened euphoria
which wouldve been early to mid '06
closing brimstone sucks
closing brimstone BY YOURSELF sucks worse
closing brimstone by yourself TWICE IN ONE WEEKEND?
fuckin priceless
my hands havent ever been that/this cut up
fucking steel wool i had to scrape the grates with

i dunno what's been up with sleeping in this room
last night i went to bed at 10`45
i figured i'd get about 10-12 hours of sleep
since i didnt have to get up till 10`30
did i? of course not
kept waking up all night sweating my ass off
dunno how, since it was 50º outside, and the window was open
i, apparently, am in need of a nap
and i don't think i'm going to work today
i doubt i'll last half an hour in that dishroom

i miss reading
actual reading, the kind you do because you want to
the kind where you sit/lay down and just read for about 5 hours
devouring a really good novel like a roast chicken
as opposed to reading a bunch of b/s about child labor
some righteousness, reforming, progressive bitch
complaining about the state of children in the 1900s and 1910s
i could do without that
never, in the history of my life
have i ever not looked forward to a history class
and yet now, i do

i remember going into mr cusson's class
and preparing myself for a long, arduous period
and hearing eli levine talk about how the twin towers were gone
and we had a...'philosophical' discussion about it
and how, when i got home
all i did was watch tv for the three hours before my dad got home
but most of all
how, when i crossed the goldstar bridge
i could see that cloud above the horizon
it makes such a difference having lived out there
people in michigan
or anywhere not near the northeast
just don't quite grasp its enormity
because they simply weren't there

i have to go down and tell my boss i'm not coming in
i don't have the energy to work 4 hours in the dishroom
i don't have the energy for class, either
but my prof will get pissed if i don't go
so i don't really have a choice



so i dunno what the fuck is up with the fire alarm going off
but its getting really fucking annoying
it went off twice today

9`45 in the fucking goddamn morning
half our hall was still asleep
every guy out there was in tshirts, shorts, and flipflops
we went back in about 15 minutes later
that just wasnt right

bout 22`15 tonight
had to evacuate the entire gallery
staff and all
we were out there for fuckin half an hour
find out later the alarm tripped was in first floor snyder north
which means, some jackass pulled the alarm
we had to throw out all the food we had
cuz it just sat there and got cold
i can't imagine the fire dep't is too happy right now
i'm certainly not

i'm closing at brimstone tomorrow night
and i swear to your god
i am not staying past midnight
under any circumstances

today was just incredibly gray
it rained about 4 different times
and the humidity never went away
just had a half depressed mood all day
i did get to talk to my psych professor though
he's a really interesting guy
got his ph.d in 1957, so he's been at it a long time
he's published bout 150 papers
and his main expertises are psychoanalysis and schizophrenia
anyway, we had an interesting conversation
about psychiatrists/psychologists/behavorial therapists
and their...preference towards immediately medicating
which is definitely not anywhere near the proper treatment
i would know
10 minutes in my psychiatrists office got me two meds
together, they blinded me and made me pass out
not pleasant



apparently, one of the people on my floor has a piano
an electric one, not an upright
and he plays it all the time, it seems
i'd be fine with this normally
but i'm not
dont mind a good song
but every time i hear him play
its the same chord progression
and the same quarter notes in the left hand
learn a new song, jackass
and stop trying to sing

remember what i said a couple days ago
about not thinking people were going to do well in russian?
definitely gonna stand by that belief

it was really gray today
and humid, and hot
it needs to rain
no, fuck that
it needs to SNOW

so, today's 'potatoe' is not so much a person
as it is a thing:
i was working at brimstone today
[the burger place]
and while i was cooking some burgers
i noticed smoke around the ceiling over the salad bar
which was odd, since theres no cooking equipment over there
so the smoke reaches the detectors
and the fire alarm goes off
the reason?
a toaster caught its crumbs on fire, apparently
and some jackass yakking on his phone
who apparently runs our complex
was bitching at the brimstone cook to shut down the charbroiler
fast forward 8 hours
walking back to phillips from south complex with stacy killian
get past fairchild theater
and i see a large group of people outside the dorm
apparently the fire alarm went off again
and everyone evacuated
we were even passed by a fire truck when we were on shaw lane
just as we got back, they let everyone back in
the official cause? still under investigation
so, today's 'potatoe' is our fire alarm



in the list of the worst days i've ever had
this one probly rates in the low twenties

couldnt sleep last night cuz it was so fucking hot in here
yet it was 60º outside
woke up early to do my laundry
and couldnt cuz the fucking machine wouldnt work
finished my history homework
then realized i forgot to do part of it
went to work [in the dishroom again]
apparently my left eye is bloodshot
i walked into the office to clock in
and hilary asked if i had pinkeye

you know
of all the personality traits to have
and all of the ones that i personally loathe
few get under my skin more than being patronizing
a girl in my history class
seems to have a need to get the last word in edgewise
she does make some valid points
her tone of voice usually drips with passive aggressiveness
so, not only does she condescend
she does it will a smile on her face
like 'oh, isn't that just such an INTERESTING point of view...
its too bad that i have to disagree completely'
should be a fun thirteen more classes with her

i have a distinct, foreboding feeling
that most of the people in my russian class
are not going to pass
and if they do, it'll be by the skin of their teeth
maybe its just me



not mine, goddamn it
why, you ask?
because after yelling at the top of my voice
for three and a half hours in the dishroom
i am sans voice
i should be fine by tomorrow
if not, i'll get over it eventually
nothing could be as bad as the TWO MONTHS i fucking had laryngitis
god that sucked
[by the way, 'голоса' means voices
just in case youdont speak russian/can't infer meanings]

you know, this may be a ridiculous notion
maybe even a laughable
but i am of the opinion
and stop me if this is impractical
of people not leaving important shit on their trays
school ids, keys, wallets, shit like that
you'd think it was a given
is it?
which leads me to...

so, i was working in the dish room, yeah yeah
tray comes down with a key on it
a master key, belonging to our head chef
caught it, and gave it to the snyder 'host' [person at the check-in]
bout 20 minutes later
a tray comes down with some guy's id on it
caught it, gave it to the snyder 'host'
the best one though, and today's potatoe
was the girl who left:
her ID, KEYS, and WALLET on the tray
she wouldve been completely fucked
if us dishroom people werent in possession of cat-like reflexes

thinking back to this past weeked
i can positively say i did four things
ate, slept, worked, and bathed
man, i'm a lazy bastard


bomb the blogosphere

i hate my subconscious
apparently, now
one nightmare a night just doesnt cut it
so last night i had two

on a happier note..wait
nothing happy is gonna be in this post

apparently, i've come under scrutiny
as always, apparently
because some people think i'm trying/have tried to steal their girlfriends
to which i, very politely, am replying with
are you listening to yourself when you talk?!
get over it, and quite being so damn paranoid
its not getting you anywhere

god, closing in the dish room SUCKS
never gonna do that again

i need something for my head
preferably a screwdriver
but some excedrin will do in lieu of one



i need to change the name of my award
since 'murphy's champion' only covers those who have things go wrong on them
i need something else,
that encompasses that and complete acts of stupidity
and other moments lacking in brain function
actually, now that i think about it
i'm going to make it in honor of an illustrious man
a man who ispired us to adhere to the written word
a man who proved improvisation isnt always best
a true beacon of caustic wit, intelligence, and poor spelling
james danforth quayle
they'll be known as 'quayle's potatoes'

today's 'potatoe' was, yet again, someone in the gallery
a girl came up to the pizza area
and asked when the cheese pizza was going to be done
my coworker with said 'they'll be up in a couple minutes'
the girl said 'ok, i'll wait, cuz i'm a vegetarian, and i wont eat pepperoni'
my coworker said '...you could just pick the pepperonis off the pizza'
to which the girl replied, glaring fiercely 'THERE'D STILL BE PEPPERONIS ON THERE...I'LL JUST WAIT!'
the girl leaves, does god knows what, then comes back
she asks a different coworker when the cheese pizza will be up
my coworker said it'll be up in a little bit, it just has to be cut
which my first coworker was in the process of doing
the girl asked 'well, how long is that going to take?'
my coworker replied 'it'll just be a couple seconds'
to which the girl says 'welll...how many seconds? 4? 5?'
the same girl came up about half an hour later
looked at the pizzas we had out on the warmer
which were cheese and pepperoni
looked up at us and asked, 'what kind of pizzas are these?'

i went back up to sbs today to return a mathlab cd thing
apparently i ended up with two
since i didnt realize my calc book came with one
and i bought one separate
so i sold it back to them
$67 goddamn dollars
which means i have money now
which i can spend frivolous shit

speaking of the gallery
it seems that this weekend, they are woefully understaffed
so woefully understaffed, it seems
that they're paying people an extra $1/hour
i was supposed to work this weekend anyway
but now i'm getting an extra dollar every hour
which means i'll make an extra $15
which will probly go into the 'slurpee/coffee' fund